Growing Pains
I remember back when i was younger and everytime i would have a growth spurr my body would ache or i would be mad. I thought that was the worst of it. I thought that when you are all done growing as a child then all the pain stops. What i didn't realize is that gorwing pains never end, and the worst are the gorwing pains that happen inside of you. The feelings and friends and places you grow out of. Not because it is no longer fun or cool. Or because you hate the things you used to do, but because the point you are at in your life no longer allows you to react as you did before.
The last few months of my life have made me upset, with myself, my friends, my family and the world. I didnt know why, but now i see its because i'm not the same person anymore. I never thought anything would change in my life. I always thought i would be the same lost little girl who lived on the same street for her entire life. But recently i have noticed a new me has developed. One more focused on a goal which never seemed obtainable but now seems closer than ever. I see my future more clearly now in a way i never thought i would. I kills me still that i have lost so much to get to this place, but i'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I miss my friends and the things we used to do, but i can't help but wonder what else is out there for me. I have never been more ready to start a new chapter in my life, and for awhile i told myself that i would close the door on my first 18 years of life and never reveal them to anyone in my future, but now i see that that isn't possible. Where would i be now if i didn't have my past?
I don't feel quite comfortable in my new skin yet. I'm testing out my wings and finding it difficult to adapt to a world that is new and uncharted. But i have come to terms with the fact that i cannot shut out those who helped me get here. Even if maybe they don't have the same feelings towards me right now i know i they can look back one day and feel the same. Shari, even though we have grown apart i still love you! I can't help but remember all the dumb things we have done (and oh boy are there a lot!) I hope everything goes well for you, i don't see why it wouldnt you are a smart and fun loving girl. I can only hope that in the future we will be able to share with each other the places that are lives have taken us. I know there are others that i should thank but i really can't name everyone because this would end up being longer than i intended it to be. I just hope they know i am sorry for all the wrong that i have committed and see the error in my ways.
The other night on my way home from work i had a horrible sinking feelings that somewhere in my "love life" i had done something to make me lose what i thought was perfect. And after some backtracking and an attempted phone call to fix things i realized that i wasn't ready for love than, and i'm not ready to be serious now. Though it does get seriously lonely sometimes, i see that maybe its for the better. I'm sure God has his plans for my future and my love. I can only hope he hooks me up with someone pretty dreamy.
i'm nervous about what years to come hold for me after high school. Stetson is a major decision that i'm glad i made before i could change my mind. I'm sure it can only hold good things, and probably a lot of bad, but what's life without the ups and downs? I sure as hell can't say i haven't lived a pretty fufilled life so far. But now i have come to terms with myself, and realize that the future, as predictable as it seems can holds a look of good for me if only i play my cards right.
My family has become a bigger rock for me than i ever expected. I never thought i would be needing them so much as i do now. Just thinking about them and all theis craziness makes me want to cry. They keep me grounded and have given me all i will ever need in life to succeed. I used to think that i would never ne able to gain their trust and be able to act "grown up" enough for them. But without pushing it i have. I did it on my own, without even trying. I have all their trust and they see me as a successful young adult now. That makes me happier than worlds could describe.
I have had a lot of time to think, and many lonely music filled nights to ponder why awful things happen to me. Finally i came to the conclusion that maybe the things that happen to me aren't so awful. Maybe i have finally "hit the wall" that everyone hits at some point in their life. Now i think of these last few months as a "clensing" experience in order to ready myself for grander things that await me. God only knows.
i probably shouldn't say that i will write all the time, and i'm probably sure that almost no one reads this, but its not like i could ask them too. All i know is that it was time to my feelings and emotions on the line so that i could finally breathe and live easier. I'm thrilled that i could finally say everything that has been on my mind for what seems like forever. There is only just one more thing, actually one more person i wish i could contact to set things straight, or maybe not even that, maybe just to help, but my gut tells me that they are in a worse situation than me. But with time i think our paths will cross.
i think i'm done now, there isn't anything more that i can say, but i've exhausted myself totally. I have to go get ready for humanities. At least now i'll be a little more at ease... that is until a few more months or years go by and i have the next growing pain.
The last few months of my life have made me upset, with myself, my friends, my family and the world. I didnt know why, but now i see its because i'm not the same person anymore. I never thought anything would change in my life. I always thought i would be the same lost little girl who lived on the same street for her entire life. But recently i have noticed a new me has developed. One more focused on a goal which never seemed obtainable but now seems closer than ever. I see my future more clearly now in a way i never thought i would. I kills me still that i have lost so much to get to this place, but i'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I miss my friends and the things we used to do, but i can't help but wonder what else is out there for me. I have never been more ready to start a new chapter in my life, and for awhile i told myself that i would close the door on my first 18 years of life and never reveal them to anyone in my future, but now i see that that isn't possible. Where would i be now if i didn't have my past?
I don't feel quite comfortable in my new skin yet. I'm testing out my wings and finding it difficult to adapt to a world that is new and uncharted. But i have come to terms with the fact that i cannot shut out those who helped me get here. Even if maybe they don't have the same feelings towards me right now i know i they can look back one day and feel the same. Shari, even though we have grown apart i still love you! I can't help but remember all the dumb things we have done (and oh boy are there a lot!) I hope everything goes well for you, i don't see why it wouldnt you are a smart and fun loving girl. I can only hope that in the future we will be able to share with each other the places that are lives have taken us. I know there are others that i should thank but i really can't name everyone because this would end up being longer than i intended it to be. I just hope they know i am sorry for all the wrong that i have committed and see the error in my ways.
The other night on my way home from work i had a horrible sinking feelings that somewhere in my "love life" i had done something to make me lose what i thought was perfect. And after some backtracking and an attempted phone call to fix things i realized that i wasn't ready for love than, and i'm not ready to be serious now. Though it does get seriously lonely sometimes, i see that maybe its for the better. I'm sure God has his plans for my future and my love. I can only hope he hooks me up with someone pretty dreamy.
i'm nervous about what years to come hold for me after high school. Stetson is a major decision that i'm glad i made before i could change my mind. I'm sure it can only hold good things, and probably a lot of bad, but what's life without the ups and downs? I sure as hell can't say i haven't lived a pretty fufilled life so far. But now i have come to terms with myself, and realize that the future, as predictable as it seems can holds a look of good for me if only i play my cards right.
My family has become a bigger rock for me than i ever expected. I never thought i would be needing them so much as i do now. Just thinking about them and all theis craziness makes me want to cry. They keep me grounded and have given me all i will ever need in life to succeed. I used to think that i would never ne able to gain their trust and be able to act "grown up" enough for them. But without pushing it i have. I did it on my own, without even trying. I have all their trust and they see me as a successful young adult now. That makes me happier than worlds could describe.
I have had a lot of time to think, and many lonely music filled nights to ponder why awful things happen to me. Finally i came to the conclusion that maybe the things that happen to me aren't so awful. Maybe i have finally "hit the wall" that everyone hits at some point in their life. Now i think of these last few months as a "clensing" experience in order to ready myself for grander things that await me. God only knows.
i probably shouldn't say that i will write all the time, and i'm probably sure that almost no one reads this, but its not like i could ask them too. All i know is that it was time to my feelings and emotions on the line so that i could finally breathe and live easier. I'm thrilled that i could finally say everything that has been on my mind for what seems like forever. There is only just one more thing, actually one more person i wish i could contact to set things straight, or maybe not even that, maybe just to help, but my gut tells me that they are in a worse situation than me. But with time i think our paths will cross.
i think i'm done now, there isn't anything more that i can say, but i've exhausted myself totally. I have to go get ready for humanities. At least now i'll be a little more at ease... that is until a few more months or years go by and i have the next growing pain.