steaming from the depths.
so im going to be incredibly emo right now because i can, and thats what journals are for damn it.
the absolute bane of my existence are couples. after that statement one outsider might think that i am jealous, impish, bitter...but little do they know. i have recently been exposed to a few new relationships in my life where my friends have ditched me for significant others. is that a sacrifice worth making? not that im holding myself to some level of worthiness by any means..but seriously, is it worth it to ditch your friendships with people for a boyfriend or girlfriend? i guess that sacrifice might be worth it if you married them...? but thats just justification maybe. being ditched and pushed aside hurts, especially if its coming from your best friends..friends that you invest time, feelings, heart and soul into. friendships are like skyscrapers. you spend extended amounts of time..months sometimes years.. planning and building them...and the product ends up being its own beautiful, magnificent being. when my friends, at the same...and i have a few in mind...ditch me for their boyfriends and girlfriends...it becomes routine and normal for me not to exist in their lives and they're fine and dandy as i remain miserable and abandoned. so these skyscrapers were built and we're going to pretend that they're not there and that they never existed at all? ok that sounds reasonable. not. not at all.
i dont believe it has to be one way or the other. i think we've been trained to think that it either has to be one way or the other..but i dont feel that way at all. i dont think that either we can A) be friends or B)not be friends. those arent the options. i do believe that it is possible to have a healthy relationship with your friends and their significant others. it is possible..i have witnessed it. so why do my so-called friends that i love and cherish hurt me so badly? if you liked/loved your other enough you would try to get to know their friends as well. you know that a relationship is good and healthy when people want to be around them...together and separately. witnessing how miserable my own friends make me feel when they're in relationships makes me never want to be in a relationship with any one..ever. i know ill eat my words later..sure..but this is the way im feeling and thats ok. someone's been here before...tons of people have been here...im just deciding to be blatantly honest about the whole damn thing.
so after the ditching..and the not talking...and there is a breakup involved...your friends come crawling back. trying to make up for lost time...trying to get over their boyfriends/girlfriends by hanging out with their "friends" that they have abandoned so you can get over your ties and emotions. a scene waaaay too familiar and something that friends really shouldnt have to deal with. so then you ask me..."so did you think i didnt care about you when i was with my boyfriend?"....well i say..yes indeedy i think you didnt care about me. how could i not? you fucking abandoned me for someone else that was worth "more your time." then you think im the crazy one for actually standing up for myself for once and saying that the way you treated me was not ok?
im tired of the justifications now. im drained. i dont want to feel like this during the christmas holidays. i guess it serves me right for valuing my friends. i guess our values toward the other arent balanced. i put value in my friends because i learn so much from my relationships. eventhough i love and cherish my parents...i dont feel like i can comfortably talk about all the things i want to talk about with them. instead of having the awkward growing up talks with my parents...i had them with my friends...my friends are my other set of parents in a way. but of course not everyone works this way...and a lot of people my age feel completely comfortable being the same person with their parents and friends. i am confined, trapped. crying at a waffle house doesnt make it any better...especially when the buck toothed waitress tries to comfort you with a story of how her 15 year old son demanded that she stop stressing out. stop stressing out trying to work hours to try and make money so she can pay for them to have an enjoyable christmas...how could she not be stressed? hell i would be. that waffle house will never be the same to me.
the absolute bane of my existence are couples. after that statement one outsider might think that i am jealous, impish, bitter...but little do they know. i have recently been exposed to a few new relationships in my life where my friends have ditched me for significant others. is that a sacrifice worth making? not that im holding myself to some level of worthiness by any means..but seriously, is it worth it to ditch your friendships with people for a boyfriend or girlfriend? i guess that sacrifice might be worth it if you married them...? but thats just justification maybe. being ditched and pushed aside hurts, especially if its coming from your best friends..friends that you invest time, feelings, heart and soul into. friendships are like skyscrapers. you spend extended amounts of time..months sometimes years.. planning and building them...and the product ends up being its own beautiful, magnificent being. when my friends, at the same...and i have a few in mind...ditch me for their boyfriends and girlfriends...it becomes routine and normal for me not to exist in their lives and they're fine and dandy as i remain miserable and abandoned. so these skyscrapers were built and we're going to pretend that they're not there and that they never existed at all? ok that sounds reasonable. not. not at all.
i dont believe it has to be one way or the other. i think we've been trained to think that it either has to be one way or the other..but i dont feel that way at all. i dont think that either we can A) be friends or B)not be friends. those arent the options. i do believe that it is possible to have a healthy relationship with your friends and their significant others. it is possible..i have witnessed it. so why do my so-called friends that i love and cherish hurt me so badly? if you liked/loved your other enough you would try to get to know their friends as well. you know that a relationship is good and healthy when people want to be around them...together and separately. witnessing how miserable my own friends make me feel when they're in relationships makes me never want to be in a relationship with any one..ever. i know ill eat my words later..sure..but this is the way im feeling and thats ok. someone's been here before...tons of people have been here...im just deciding to be blatantly honest about the whole damn thing.
so after the ditching..and the not talking...and there is a breakup involved...your friends come crawling back. trying to make up for lost time...trying to get over their boyfriends/girlfriends by hanging out with their "friends" that they have abandoned so you can get over your ties and emotions. a scene waaaay too familiar and something that friends really shouldnt have to deal with. so then you ask me..."so did you think i didnt care about you when i was with my boyfriend?"....well i say..yes indeedy i think you didnt care about me. how could i not? you fucking abandoned me for someone else that was worth "more your time." then you think im the crazy one for actually standing up for myself for once and saying that the way you treated me was not ok?
im tired of the justifications now. im drained. i dont want to feel like this during the christmas holidays. i guess it serves me right for valuing my friends. i guess our values toward the other arent balanced. i put value in my friends because i learn so much from my relationships. eventhough i love and cherish my parents...i dont feel like i can comfortably talk about all the things i want to talk about with them. instead of having the awkward growing up talks with my parents...i had them with my friends...my friends are my other set of parents in a way. but of course not everyone works this way...and a lot of people my age feel completely comfortable being the same person with their parents and friends. i am confined, trapped. crying at a waffle house doesnt make it any better...especially when the buck toothed waitress tries to comfort you with a story of how her 15 year old son demanded that she stop stressing out. stop stressing out trying to work hours to try and make money so she can pay for them to have an enjoyable christmas...how could she not be stressed? hell i would be. that waffle house will never be the same to me.