Just as far away as I once was
There's this odd feeling I've been having lately. A feeling I started to feel about a little over a year ago.
Chris said he thought I would write something about this. A one year anniversary since I left. However, this isn't one of those entries.
Actually, it's more about right now, right here.
I feel like I haven't seen much of you lately. Friends, Chris, Family, even though I never felt close to them in the first place. I can't tell you all how busy I really am. Makes me feel like I never knew what busy meant until now. I once thought that two jobs and 16 hours of medium-difficult classes was time consuming, but this semester...
I'm taking 12 credit hours. Sounds like a piece of cake, but that's hardly the case. My ENG 360 (Gay and Lesbian Lit.) class already has 12 books to read. The class is fun and interesting, but a lot of work, and we haven't even gotten to the hairy part.
The intro to linguistic anthropology is interesting, but the professor isn't all that enthusiastic, which, like Dr. Love's French classes, makes the subject seem not as interesting as it could be. So it's hard to stay motivated. It's less reading, but it requires more concentration. It's almost like math.
My German class is going to be arguably the hardest course in German I've had this far. Yeah, my courses in Austria were tough just because they were completely in a dialect of German with no pity on the few international students, but they didn't require as many assignments. To others it would seem like this course is a piece of cake if it were in another subject in their native tongue. It would be that way for me at least. But writing a research paper of at least 8 pages about a post WWII novel in a foreign language is not cake. Not even at my language abilities. And not only that, I have other things for the class to read, even though one "book" is in English (the language in this particular book is even difficult). This is one reason why I'm offended when I hear people say about my major that it's only learning the language. It's oh so much much more.
And lastly, my Second Language Acquisition course. I might have thought this course wouldn't have required so much text, but I just found out an hour ago that I was wrong. We're going to have to read article after article and report about them OUTSIDE of class. The class only meets once a week, but we're required to do assignments due on certain dates before next class. It's as if I'm taking a regular AND web course at the same time. On top of that, I have three different research papers in my native language and two in the target language due by the end of the semester. What makes matters worse is that I have to use APA. NEVER in my life have I had to use or practise using this style. So I'll have to learn about that on the side.
I really could go on, but I'm sure I've about lost you at this point.
What I'm trying to get out of all of this is that I've not seen many of you for reasons stated above, and I don't feel like it's going to get much better. I don't want anyone to feel neglect, because I'm not intentionally neglecting. Simply put, I'm busy, and I'm not trying to say I'm busier than anyone else, but I'm certainly more focused this semester than I've been for any other. This is my opportunity to feel what it feels like during Grad school.
HOWEVER
I have set some time on the weekends to still see people. Chris will come down most weekends, and that will give me the opportunity to try and hit two birds with one stone. I'm sure there will be other times to see each other during the week, but they'll be limited, unfortunately.
At this point in my life, I'm disappointed with myself. I thought I once knew what I was going to do when I grew up, but now when it matters the most, I'm not 100% sure. It was always easy to say that I actually had a plan to teach German after I was finished with my studies. But now... it's harder than it seems.
Learning languages, especially German, was once a passion for me. After my professor told me that if you can't keep your passion for your discipline, than maybe it'd be a good idea to start thinking twice with what you want to do. Problem is, my passion got lost somewhere. I believe it's still there, it's just been sadly set to the bottom of my priority lists due to the importance of other things and/or people.
I want my passion back.
The feeling I now have is that I'll have to sacrifice the relationships I've built upon in order to get it back. I just wish there were a way to have both for the same amount of time, but I have a hard time believing that will come true.
I love and miss you all... already.
Chris said he thought I would write something about this. A one year anniversary since I left. However, this isn't one of those entries.
Actually, it's more about right now, right here.
I feel like I haven't seen much of you lately. Friends, Chris, Family, even though I never felt close to them in the first place. I can't tell you all how busy I really am. Makes me feel like I never knew what busy meant until now. I once thought that two jobs and 16 hours of medium-difficult classes was time consuming, but this semester...
I'm taking 12 credit hours. Sounds like a piece of cake, but that's hardly the case. My ENG 360 (Gay and Lesbian Lit.) class already has 12 books to read. The class is fun and interesting, but a lot of work, and we haven't even gotten to the hairy part.
The intro to linguistic anthropology is interesting, but the professor isn't all that enthusiastic, which, like Dr. Love's French classes, makes the subject seem not as interesting as it could be. So it's hard to stay motivated. It's less reading, but it requires more concentration. It's almost like math.
My German class is going to be arguably the hardest course in German I've had this far. Yeah, my courses in Austria were tough just because they were completely in a dialect of German with no pity on the few international students, but they didn't require as many assignments. To others it would seem like this course is a piece of cake if it were in another subject in their native tongue. It would be that way for me at least. But writing a research paper of at least 8 pages about a post WWII novel in a foreign language is not cake. Not even at my language abilities. And not only that, I have other things for the class to read, even though one "book" is in English (the language in this particular book is even difficult). This is one reason why I'm offended when I hear people say about my major that it's only learning the language. It's oh so much much more.
And lastly, my Second Language Acquisition course. I might have thought this course wouldn't have required so much text, but I just found out an hour ago that I was wrong. We're going to have to read article after article and report about them OUTSIDE of class. The class only meets once a week, but we're required to do assignments due on certain dates before next class. It's as if I'm taking a regular AND web course at the same time. On top of that, I have three different research papers in my native language and two in the target language due by the end of the semester. What makes matters worse is that I have to use APA. NEVER in my life have I had to use or practise using this style. So I'll have to learn about that on the side.
I really could go on, but I'm sure I've about lost you at this point.
What I'm trying to get out of all of this is that I've not seen many of you for reasons stated above, and I don't feel like it's going to get much better. I don't want anyone to feel neglect, because I'm not intentionally neglecting. Simply put, I'm busy, and I'm not trying to say I'm busier than anyone else, but I'm certainly more focused this semester than I've been for any other. This is my opportunity to feel what it feels like during Grad school.
HOWEVER
I have set some time on the weekends to still see people. Chris will come down most weekends, and that will give me the opportunity to try and hit two birds with one stone. I'm sure there will be other times to see each other during the week, but they'll be limited, unfortunately.
At this point in my life, I'm disappointed with myself. I thought I once knew what I was going to do when I grew up, but now when it matters the most, I'm not 100% sure. It was always easy to say that I actually had a plan to teach German after I was finished with my studies. But now... it's harder than it seems.
Learning languages, especially German, was once a passion for me. After my professor told me that if you can't keep your passion for your discipline, than maybe it'd be a good idea to start thinking twice with what you want to do. Problem is, my passion got lost somewhere. I believe it's still there, it's just been sadly set to the bottom of my priority lists due to the importance of other things and/or people.
I want my passion back.
The feeling I now have is that I'll have to sacrifice the relationships I've built upon in order to get it back. I just wish there were a way to have both for the same amount of time, but I have a hard time believing that will come true.
I love and miss you all... already.