Jessie I’ll never forget you, this is for you… Happy Halloween…..
It’s not everyday I feel this way; I’ve never felt this way… I know I like to experience new things and new feelings but I never wanted to feel anything like this. I never wanted to feel this, Why didn’t I call her that day to come see a movie with me? Why was I being stubborn over something stupid from the night before? I would have done anything to save her; I would have given anything to take her pain away… I know it’s not my fault, and I know that she didn’t want to be saved, but the thought is always there. Why didn’t I pick up the phone? Why couldn’t I tell her I loved her? Why did I let her walk out the door? Why couldn’t I stop her and just have her in my arms and stare into her eyes one more time? I would give anything to see her smile, to stare into her eyes, to hear her sarcastic laugh one more time.
I’ve woken up the past few nights since October 26th, 2007 the same way; always with a dream of Jessica Jordan Langley walking through the doors of the local arcade I work at. She smiles as she sees my face in shock and rushes to the bar and asks me if I have a lighter, and before I can even jump over the bar and wrap her in my arms I wake up in a cold sweat, with a tear exiting my eye; that tear making me realize that it was just a dream, and she is really gone.
Every morning before I go to my main job I sit at my computer and stare at her myspace, reading all the nice things people have been posting. I don’t think she truly knew how many people cared about her; it’s a shame that a person has to find this out in the afterlife. When I exit her page I normally open up Microsoft word and try to write something, normally I would take my pain and place it into a story and place a character I created in somewhat of the same situation as myself, but I’ll I do is stare at it, stare at the blank page.
I’ll get up after and try to get ready for work, which only leads to me picking up the phone and telling them I can’t make it to work. I haven’t been to my main job in the past 3 days, I’ll have to go back tomorrow which I’m figuring will be the hardest day because it will be 1 day after the Funeral, 1 day after my denial ends, and I truly realize she is gone.
Today, Wednesday, October 31, 2007, at 3:00pm, the funeral will take place close to her parent’s house in Apopka Florida. I don’t know how I made it through my 2nd job last night knowing that today I face reality. God how I would kill for this to be a sick joke, I just want her back.
Maybe I’m taking this so hard because this is the first person I’ve cared about that has past on, or maybe its just because of how my last memory of her was her walking out the door angry at me because I changed the TV from a movie she liked, to a collage football game. Or maybe it was because after she told me she was going to see her ex-boyfriend I got a little angry, and how she was so set on going even after I asked her not to, and how it would be a bad idea. Had I known what would happen, I wouldn’t have been a total dick after, or, I would have bashed her one in the head and tied her up.
Nobody knows what was said between them other then the both of them, and one of them is dead now. Even after he cheated on her twice, she still cared so much about him. She wanted to move on so badly but for some reason she kept getting drawn back to him. Whatever happened is what led to her taking her life.
5 and a half hours from now I will accompany friends and her family to her funeral, there I will say goodbye to her. Its fitting that it falls on the 31st, on Halloween. She loved this holiday so much, because of that her parents & close friends have told everyone that they can ware a costume to the funeral, almost like a Halloween party in her honor.
A friend of mine called me this morning to make sure I was going, and then asked me if I would be in costume. I told her no and she sighed, said Jessie would want me to be in costume. I told her that’s why I wasn’t going to ware one. Jessie would know that even if she wanted me to, I wouldn’t, just out of spite, in which case she would smile, hit me, and give me some sarcastic comment. My friend thought about it for a second and told me I was right, and that I would be letting her down if I DID show up in costume. I laughed for the first time in the past few days.
Jessie your sarcasm matched mine in everyway, your personality at times clashed with mine. You were so strong, and so caring. You had so much freedom because you didn’t care what other people thought of you, “Fuck them”, right? I don’t know why every time you told me that I would laugh. I’ll always remember you kicking the crap out of Victa in the Rocky’s Replay parking lot, or making Miguel fill awkward by staring at him. Or when you stopped by just to make JD check your ID because you were 18 and could smoke inside Rocky’s. I’ll never forget how I could just make you lose track of time while you were sitting up on your rooftop. Or the time when you came up to see me just so you can show me that you had a newer, nicer, car them me, that smile, I’ll never forget it. I knew that when I met you, that you were special. I’m sorry you never did get to beat me in air hockey; I guess we will never know who was better will we?
Jessie I’ll never forget you, this is for you… Happy Halloween…..
I’ve woken up the past few nights since October 26th, 2007 the same way; always with a dream of Jessica Jordan Langley walking through the doors of the local arcade I work at. She smiles as she sees my face in shock and rushes to the bar and asks me if I have a lighter, and before I can even jump over the bar and wrap her in my arms I wake up in a cold sweat, with a tear exiting my eye; that tear making me realize that it was just a dream, and she is really gone.
Every morning before I go to my main job I sit at my computer and stare at her myspace, reading all the nice things people have been posting. I don’t think she truly knew how many people cared about her; it’s a shame that a person has to find this out in the afterlife. When I exit her page I normally open up Microsoft word and try to write something, normally I would take my pain and place it into a story and place a character I created in somewhat of the same situation as myself, but I’ll I do is stare at it, stare at the blank page.
I’ll get up after and try to get ready for work, which only leads to me picking up the phone and telling them I can’t make it to work. I haven’t been to my main job in the past 3 days, I’ll have to go back tomorrow which I’m figuring will be the hardest day because it will be 1 day after the Funeral, 1 day after my denial ends, and I truly realize she is gone.
Today, Wednesday, October 31, 2007, at 3:00pm, the funeral will take place close to her parent’s house in Apopka Florida. I don’t know how I made it through my 2nd job last night knowing that today I face reality. God how I would kill for this to be a sick joke, I just want her back.
Maybe I’m taking this so hard because this is the first person I’ve cared about that has past on, or maybe its just because of how my last memory of her was her walking out the door angry at me because I changed the TV from a movie she liked, to a collage football game. Or maybe it was because after she told me she was going to see her ex-boyfriend I got a little angry, and how she was so set on going even after I asked her not to, and how it would be a bad idea. Had I known what would happen, I wouldn’t have been a total dick after, or, I would have bashed her one in the head and tied her up.
Nobody knows what was said between them other then the both of them, and one of them is dead now. Even after he cheated on her twice, she still cared so much about him. She wanted to move on so badly but for some reason she kept getting drawn back to him. Whatever happened is what led to her taking her life.
5 and a half hours from now I will accompany friends and her family to her funeral, there I will say goodbye to her. Its fitting that it falls on the 31st, on Halloween. She loved this holiday so much, because of that her parents & close friends have told everyone that they can ware a costume to the funeral, almost like a Halloween party in her honor.
A friend of mine called me this morning to make sure I was going, and then asked me if I would be in costume. I told her no and she sighed, said Jessie would want me to be in costume. I told her that’s why I wasn’t going to ware one. Jessie would know that even if she wanted me to, I wouldn’t, just out of spite, in which case she would smile, hit me, and give me some sarcastic comment. My friend thought about it for a second and told me I was right, and that I would be letting her down if I DID show up in costume. I laughed for the first time in the past few days.
Jessie your sarcasm matched mine in everyway, your personality at times clashed with mine. You were so strong, and so caring. You had so much freedom because you didn’t care what other people thought of you, “Fuck them”, right? I don’t know why every time you told me that I would laugh. I’ll always remember you kicking the crap out of Victa in the Rocky’s Replay parking lot, or making Miguel fill awkward by staring at him. Or when you stopped by just to make JD check your ID because you were 18 and could smoke inside Rocky’s. I’ll never forget how I could just make you lose track of time while you were sitting up on your rooftop. Or the time when you came up to see me just so you can show me that you had a newer, nicer, car them me, that smile, I’ll never forget it. I knew that when I met you, that you were special. I’m sorry you never did get to beat me in air hockey; I guess we will never know who was better will we?
Jessie I’ll never forget you, this is for you… Happy Halloween…..