A novel of thoughts
March 4, 2006
Well, I'm chilling here watching Jack for Gayle and Trudy and I'm pretty bored. I had brought that Robots movie and he loved it. It was so funny watching him watch it. He must have understood the humor in the movie because he laughed at the funny parts. He is so smart for a 2 year old. I hope my kid is that smart. If I ever have kids. I wonder if I will. It's a little early to tell in my life right now. I'm still young I guess, in terms of years. Sometimes I don't feel it. I guess I was born in the wrong era. That's what Les says.
This computer is so pimp! I wish I had bought it before. I hate not having money. I guess I figured I should have enough money to support myself, at least in my head. I hate asking my parents for money. I know they can barely afford to finance their own family at their house, why on earth should they have to worry about me too? Hopefully someday I'll have enough money that I won't have to worry about it. The only thing is, I don't want that reason to be what dictates the way I live my life. I want to HELP people not just make money. The large amount of money from being a doctor is just like a MAJOR added bonus. I love helping people and I love anatomy so it makes sense to be a doctor. I pray to God everyday that he helps me make it through medical school and become a doctor. I don't really want to discover a new treatment, I just want to spend the rest of my life making people feel better and helping them live better lives when they can't help themselves.
Originally, I just wanted to be an EMT. I could still do the medical idea and not have to be on call or go to school FOREVER! That seems more my style because I truly can't be held in a building all day long. Although, I'd like to make my mom seem like she's accomplished something in her life so being financially fit would mean being a doctor. Lol - wouldn't it be awesome if I met some doctor on the train, and showed him/her my mad skills in the medical area and he/she decided to quicken my time by letting me be his/her intern while earning my doctorette. That way I could become a doctor without going to school for a gazillion years. LMFAO!!!! A girl can dream can't she? Back to reality, I plan on going to Rush med school or Loyola or I might try UIC. Loyola and UIC aren't as hard to get into as Rush but they're like my backups because they are still in the Chicago area. Rush is REALLY hard because you have to get lke all 10's in every category on you MCAT's except for the writing..but that's for obvious reasons - lol.
Regardless of how long school is going to take, I'm still stoked apartment in Chicago with Leslie after we graduate from NIU. She will get her experience in the field while I get my doctorette and she'll be able to see what city living is like. She says it's at least worth a try and she can get a lot of on hand PT experience since they are in high demand in the city. There's always a first for everything. i'm glad she's willing to try. I remember when she said she'd never live in the city because it was WAY too fast for her liking. But I think it's growing on her. (LOL) Oh man, I've been reading those Iris Johansen books mom gave me and now I'm HOOKED! As scary as it seems, I find myself dreaming that I get taken or caught up in some big scheme and I have to be in custody of one of those mercenaries (preferably Galen - I'll call him McSteamy). And of course, my experience with my mercenary happens to unravel just like the ones in her books. That would be the ultimate dream for me. And I definitely would have to have the tough woman image all the ladies in the books have. That's just a natural want I have. I wish I were one of the tough girls. I hate being weak. I wish I could be tough and that I could get through anything that comes my way. I wish I could say that when all that crap happened to me as a child I was able to be tough but in all honesty, I was scared to death. I admit there were times I wish I could have just ended my life and ended the pain. I was completely terrified. Somehow I made it out and I guess I'm okay. I admit that sometimes the pain wins and I start to feel like a loser and I just want to give in. But then someone says something that reminds that I can get over it. it makes me believe that I can be that tough girl. That I can kick the shit out of whatever obstacle is in front of me. I just want to be tough. I want to be able to kickass and take care of myself. I'm sure there would be times when I'd need somebody but not in terms of massive protection. More for that respectable love thing.
That's the kicker about me. I'm not really looking for love but rather a high respect. I've denounced any sort of real love but the respect idea is a possible thing for me. I really don't care if people like me, that's like an added bonus as well. I want to be respected. I've tried to do everything that comes to me and I do it the best I can but I never get the response I wish for. And I think, now people just expect me to be on target and for sure all the time. I'm tired of being there for people if they aren't willing to acknowledge it. It's like, if I'm going to do everything you need me too at least treat me with respect. Don't treat me like a child and then give me responsibilities meant for an adult. And please remember that I'm human as well and I make mistakes and I sometimes need time for myself. Don't assume either! You can't read my mind so don't think that every thought you have is the same exact thing I think. I respect the things you went through to be where you are now, please do the same for me. It wasn't the easiest for me to grow up and I understand the world the way it is. All I want out of life is to make a difference in someone's life and for them to appreciate it. I'm definitely not saying I want to be someone's idol, but I want them to truly think about the way they do things in life.
I just want people to respect what I have to do and not think of me as the come-whenever-you-call person. I have a life of my own and I need to move on and do it. I'm not saying I won't help at all but be realistic and if I have to focus on school, let me do it. I don't know, everything is just up in the air for me. I mean, I know I have this whole med-school thing planned out and its a nice plan and all, but without the emotional support behind it, it's never going to work. It takes a lot to get through 8 years or more of school after 12 years of it and it doesn't get any easier, that's for sure. I'm going to be 80 by the time I actually get to even think about starting my life, lol. But does that really matter? I don't really want a family. Sure I'd like to get married and maybe have a dog and some horses out in the coutryside...or Hawaii. But I doubt I'll ever have kids. I'd hate to mess up and create a childhood like mine for my kids to remember. They'd hate where they'd grow up and then they'd feel just like me. And no one wants to do that. So i honestly don't think I'll have kids. Sorry mom and dad, no kids to spoil from me. (I'm sure they'll be plenty from the other children - lol). I'm definitely into the family scene. After going to Leslie's and seeing how everyone (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc) interacts and puts aside differences for one day so they can relax an enjoy life as they all continue to grow up. It was nice on Les' b-day when everyone was there and chit-chattin about everything and anything and joking around. It was nice. I doubt as a doctor that I could make that kind of family time for my kids. My family doesn't do that. We don't get everyone together without arguements for random sundays and eat a big lunch and joke and reminisce. That's the kind of life I'd want for my kids but I know it wouldn't be that way. That's ok. Being a doctor doesn't really give you the chance for big family time. Being on call all the time makes it pretty hard to make plans and follow through. Kind of how my life is right now - funny.
Anyway, I can't wait till I get my Zen back! It's been uber crazy not having it. I actually have to buy batteries for my cd player! And they've become expensive! Plus, if I had it back wouldn't have to carry multiple cds with me to have a musical selection with me. It sucks when you have to take your whole cd case to the library so you have enough music with you to make it through the whole time you're there. I'm usually there for about 4 or 5 hours a night during the week when I'm not working. Amazing I know. lol. But it truly is a drag carrying all those cds with you when you have so many books on you already.
There's Gayle and Trudy so I'm out of here.
Peace out! ;)
Well, I'm chilling here watching Jack for Gayle and Trudy and I'm pretty bored. I had brought that Robots movie and he loved it. It was so funny watching him watch it. He must have understood the humor in the movie because he laughed at the funny parts. He is so smart for a 2 year old. I hope my kid is that smart. If I ever have kids. I wonder if I will. It's a little early to tell in my life right now. I'm still young I guess, in terms of years. Sometimes I don't feel it. I guess I was born in the wrong era. That's what Les says.
This computer is so pimp! I wish I had bought it before. I hate not having money. I guess I figured I should have enough money to support myself, at least in my head. I hate asking my parents for money. I know they can barely afford to finance their own family at their house, why on earth should they have to worry about me too? Hopefully someday I'll have enough money that I won't have to worry about it. The only thing is, I don't want that reason to be what dictates the way I live my life. I want to HELP people not just make money. The large amount of money from being a doctor is just like a MAJOR added bonus. I love helping people and I love anatomy so it makes sense to be a doctor. I pray to God everyday that he helps me make it through medical school and become a doctor. I don't really want to discover a new treatment, I just want to spend the rest of my life making people feel better and helping them live better lives when they can't help themselves.
Originally, I just wanted to be an EMT. I could still do the medical idea and not have to be on call or go to school FOREVER! That seems more my style because I truly can't be held in a building all day long. Although, I'd like to make my mom seem like she's accomplished something in her life so being financially fit would mean being a doctor. Lol - wouldn't it be awesome if I met some doctor on the train, and showed him/her my mad skills in the medical area and he/she decided to quicken my time by letting me be his/her intern while earning my doctorette. That way I could become a doctor without going to school for a gazillion years. LMFAO!!!! A girl can dream can't she? Back to reality, I plan on going to Rush med school or Loyola or I might try UIC. Loyola and UIC aren't as hard to get into as Rush but they're like my backups because they are still in the Chicago area. Rush is REALLY hard because you have to get lke all 10's in every category on you MCAT's except for the writing..but that's for obvious reasons - lol.
Regardless of how long school is going to take, I'm still stoked apartment in Chicago with Leslie after we graduate from NIU. She will get her experience in the field while I get my doctorette and she'll be able to see what city living is like. She says it's at least worth a try and she can get a lot of on hand PT experience since they are in high demand in the city. There's always a first for everything. i'm glad she's willing to try. I remember when she said she'd never live in the city because it was WAY too fast for her liking. But I think it's growing on her. (LOL) Oh man, I've been reading those Iris Johansen books mom gave me and now I'm HOOKED! As scary as it seems, I find myself dreaming that I get taken or caught up in some big scheme and I have to be in custody of one of those mercenaries (preferably Galen - I'll call him McSteamy). And of course, my experience with my mercenary happens to unravel just like the ones in her books. That would be the ultimate dream for me. And I definitely would have to have the tough woman image all the ladies in the books have. That's just a natural want I have. I wish I were one of the tough girls. I hate being weak. I wish I could be tough and that I could get through anything that comes my way. I wish I could say that when all that crap happened to me as a child I was able to be tough but in all honesty, I was scared to death. I admit there were times I wish I could have just ended my life and ended the pain. I was completely terrified. Somehow I made it out and I guess I'm okay. I admit that sometimes the pain wins and I start to feel like a loser and I just want to give in. But then someone says something that reminds that I can get over it. it makes me believe that I can be that tough girl. That I can kick the shit out of whatever obstacle is in front of me. I just want to be tough. I want to be able to kickass and take care of myself. I'm sure there would be times when I'd need somebody but not in terms of massive protection. More for that respectable love thing.
That's the kicker about me. I'm not really looking for love but rather a high respect. I've denounced any sort of real love but the respect idea is a possible thing for me. I really don't care if people like me, that's like an added bonus as well. I want to be respected. I've tried to do everything that comes to me and I do it the best I can but I never get the response I wish for. And I think, now people just expect me to be on target and for sure all the time. I'm tired of being there for people if they aren't willing to acknowledge it. It's like, if I'm going to do everything you need me too at least treat me with respect. Don't treat me like a child and then give me responsibilities meant for an adult. And please remember that I'm human as well and I make mistakes and I sometimes need time for myself. Don't assume either! You can't read my mind so don't think that every thought you have is the same exact thing I think. I respect the things you went through to be where you are now, please do the same for me. It wasn't the easiest for me to grow up and I understand the world the way it is. All I want out of life is to make a difference in someone's life and for them to appreciate it. I'm definitely not saying I want to be someone's idol, but I want them to truly think about the way they do things in life.
I just want people to respect what I have to do and not think of me as the come-whenever-you-call person. I have a life of my own and I need to move on and do it. I'm not saying I won't help at all but be realistic and if I have to focus on school, let me do it. I don't know, everything is just up in the air for me. I mean, I know I have this whole med-school thing planned out and its a nice plan and all, but without the emotional support behind it, it's never going to work. It takes a lot to get through 8 years or more of school after 12 years of it and it doesn't get any easier, that's for sure. I'm going to be 80 by the time I actually get to even think about starting my life, lol. But does that really matter? I don't really want a family. Sure I'd like to get married and maybe have a dog and some horses out in the coutryside...or Hawaii. But I doubt I'll ever have kids. I'd hate to mess up and create a childhood like mine for my kids to remember. They'd hate where they'd grow up and then they'd feel just like me. And no one wants to do that. So i honestly don't think I'll have kids. Sorry mom and dad, no kids to spoil from me. (I'm sure they'll be plenty from the other children - lol). I'm definitely into the family scene. After going to Leslie's and seeing how everyone (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc) interacts and puts aside differences for one day so they can relax an enjoy life as they all continue to grow up. It was nice on Les' b-day when everyone was there and chit-chattin about everything and anything and joking around. It was nice. I doubt as a doctor that I could make that kind of family time for my kids. My family doesn't do that. We don't get everyone together without arguements for random sundays and eat a big lunch and joke and reminisce. That's the kind of life I'd want for my kids but I know it wouldn't be that way. That's ok. Being a doctor doesn't really give you the chance for big family time. Being on call all the time makes it pretty hard to make plans and follow through. Kind of how my life is right now - funny.
Anyway, I can't wait till I get my Zen back! It's been uber crazy not having it. I actually have to buy batteries for my cd player! And they've become expensive! Plus, if I had it back wouldn't have to carry multiple cds with me to have a musical selection with me. It sucks when you have to take your whole cd case to the library so you have enough music with you to make it through the whole time you're there. I'm usually there for about 4 or 5 hours a night during the week when I'm not working. Amazing I know. lol. But it truly is a drag carrying all those cds with you when you have so many books on you already.
There's Gayle and Trudy so I'm out of here.
Peace out! ;)