A Letter to You…
Dear Baby,
I always thought having a baby is a natural thing. Just watch your diet properly, rest sufficiently, live and cope with an ever expanding bump and before you know it, the baby’s there out for you. But some times, things do not go the way you want it to be…
I do not wish to stain your brother’s blog with all my unhappiness and I do not know where else to voice my feelings out, so it’s back to my old journal again.
Nobody can understand how bad I feel now, even when everything had already reached an end. To the whole world out there and even your daddy, you are not real because a gestational sac was not even detected. But definitely you are real, the home pregnancy test kits all showed positive signs of you, though faint. The blood tests detected pregnancy hormones, but just that instead of going up, it went down. Somehow, you had decided not to stay with me after being with me only for the first 4 - 6 weeks of your fragile life.
It’s what they called a "chemical pregnancy” - the earliest form of miscarriage. I know that it’s no body’s fault. Usually it’s the case of chromosomal defect that resulted in this. But why us?
I am angry with your daddy. Why did he say such hurtful words the first time I showed him the super faint positive sign of you from the test kit? Why did he remain so indifferent towards your short termed life in my body as compared to our brother? Was it because of his actions or inactions that caused you to decide that this is not a happy family to be in and decides not to be born into our family?
I am thankful for you as well as disappointed with you. Thankful for the fact that you helped me end my sufferings fast and quick. Not another 2 weeks later, when I am not able to detect your heartbeat. Not at 11weeks during the Oscars or Triple Tests. Not at 20weeks during the detailed scan. And luckily not after birth. I could not imagine the mental strain if I know at any other later stage. Thank you so much for ending everything once you know you are not healthy. But I am disappointed as well, disappointed that you are not even trying. Things might turn out fine afterall. Disappointed that you chose to leave me even though you know how excited I was over you and how much I had bond with you.
I would like to imagine the next time I have a baby, it is you coming back to me. I don’t know when will that be. Because I am scared you will choose to leave me again.
Luv,
Your Mummy
I always thought having a baby is a natural thing. Just watch your diet properly, rest sufficiently, live and cope with an ever expanding bump and before you know it, the baby’s there out for you. But some times, things do not go the way you want it to be…
I do not wish to stain your brother’s blog with all my unhappiness and I do not know where else to voice my feelings out, so it’s back to my old journal again.
Nobody can understand how bad I feel now, even when everything had already reached an end. To the whole world out there and even your daddy, you are not real because a gestational sac was not even detected. But definitely you are real, the home pregnancy test kits all showed positive signs of you, though faint. The blood tests detected pregnancy hormones, but just that instead of going up, it went down. Somehow, you had decided not to stay with me after being with me only for the first 4 - 6 weeks of your fragile life.
It’s what they called a "chemical pregnancy” - the earliest form of miscarriage. I know that it’s no body’s fault. Usually it’s the case of chromosomal defect that resulted in this. But why us?
I am angry with your daddy. Why did he say such hurtful words the first time I showed him the super faint positive sign of you from the test kit? Why did he remain so indifferent towards your short termed life in my body as compared to our brother? Was it because of his actions or inactions that caused you to decide that this is not a happy family to be in and decides not to be born into our family?
I am thankful for you as well as disappointed with you. Thankful for the fact that you helped me end my sufferings fast and quick. Not another 2 weeks later, when I am not able to detect your heartbeat. Not at 11weeks during the Oscars or Triple Tests. Not at 20weeks during the detailed scan. And luckily not after birth. I could not imagine the mental strain if I know at any other later stage. Thank you so much for ending everything once you know you are not healthy. But I am disappointed as well, disappointed that you are not even trying. Things might turn out fine afterall. Disappointed that you chose to leave me even though you know how excited I was over you and how much I had bond with you.
I would like to imagine the next time I have a baby, it is you coming back to me. I don’t know when will that be. Because I am scared you will choose to leave me again.
Luv,
Your Mummy