writing as thought

Mar 26, 2007 02:49

ok. i don't expect this to come off as very lucid. also, i used to make joking asides about how "livejournal" certain things i said were. well, it appears we've now come full circle, doesn't it?

one of my most frustrating feelings is what i get when i'm convinced that i can't express what i'm feeling, or trying to say, or whatever. it might be related to the constant flux of not actually ever knowing what i want. or thinking that i don't. or knowing that i think i do but i really don't and oh my god im' going insane.

devo says i should be a "mongoloid" and bring home the bacon and not give a shit. would i get my papers done that way? i FEEL that the answer is no.

also, i feel like the mass of my livejournal "friends list" is shadowing the fact that i started writing on this to actually write. now whether or not i acknowledge it, i'm censoring myself or generally guiding my words toward an assumed audience (that RSS feed doesn't help much, you). yow. it's weird though, because back when nobody was reading, the entries were not as clichedly-livejournal. i don't think there's much correlation between the two, though.

one of my paper journals has been reclaimed. they read a lot of that, too. is nothing sacred? goddamn kids. oddly enough, the journal was separated from the rest of my stuff. i can't wait to find out how all of this happened.

tonight at bombay grill while everyone was talking about their favorite twilight zone episodes, i thought to myself that spending the summer at home would be a good thing because i could catch up on whatever low-value culture stuff i want. like renting DVDs of TV shows and sitting around watching them. thinking about that now is a little bit depressing.  choosing things to inundate myself with, though, and actually following through, could be a very good thing.

a concept young greg and i discussed over our past few meetings: taking things that would typically be done on weekend nights around 9th 0r 10th grade and substituting that into our current weekend goingson. an example: playing hide and seek inside wal*mart instead of drinking beer and making fun of people. or staying in to do work or play music, then go out when we feel like it. these possibilities are very real.

i don't want to drop out of life, but signals are pointing in that direction.
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