Gender Headache
Because babbling to the internet is cheaper than therapy.
The more transgendered people I know, the more I feel like I'm missing the whole gender identity thing. You see, it's easy to miss how important gender identity is to people if they don't talk about it, and most cisgendered people don't. Unless, of course, they incounter a transgendered person (in person, in the news, in fiction). As far as I can tell, most people have a strong gender identification. I, on the other hand, have...something.
A rare case of brake fluid, probably.*
As a kid, I had the gender identity of, well, neither. Or both. Or empty set. Okay, I wasn't any less confused/dissatisfied/whatever I am back then. Perhaps I made a mistake when I decided that the problem was the usual treatment of/place of women. Because all these years later, I still feel like something's off somewhere.
I care about women's issues, but I don't see them as women's issues, I see them as human issues. I don't hate my body. It's a perfectly acceptable body. And I know it's female. But I don't know that I really identify as female. I'm not sure what the hell I do identify as. I don't wander about thinking me=woman, but if I watch a movie (or read a book) with a male lead there's a good chance I'll wander about thinking me=man for a bit. Until, you know, physical reality intrudes. Most of the time, I think I think me=neutral. But then we're back to the whole not minding my female body thing.
Then there's the fact that, even though I think the world of fiction needs more competent strong female characters (and I do write them), my viewpoint characters tend to be male. (Not that I think this is a telling thing one way or the other, it's just part of the whole confused mess that is my brain on gender identity.) Actually, most of the fictional characters I write tend toward gender neutral in a sense - the men are rarely Men (manly men!) and the women are rarely Women (womenly women?). Oh, never mind, this probably has nothing to do with anything.
Except, of course, I'm still wandering around wondering what the hell gender identity means anyway. *groan* I need a drink? I need chocolate? I need a chocolate drink? ... Ew.
*Obscure movie reference. Soapdish (scroll down to [reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer] bit)