Waking Hours
I woke up sweating. It wasn't original, or interesting from an outside perspective at all. But I woke up sweating on the inside, and praying in my own head that all this would put itself away.
I know it's an impossible thought, but all I can do is imagine these days. My memories have left me, you see, and though I'd beg them to come back if I had half a mind, I'm growing increasingly comfortable without them. I apologize ahead of time for the actions that are about to unfold themselves. They've slipped out of my hands.
I didn't want them to, you have to understand. I held on as long as was possible in my own right... but my stupid games come out to play on their own terms. I counted down to one five thousand times in the last few months... bidding my time against negative actions towards you. I did all that I could, but tripped somewhere along the way, and now find I have no power over my self-destructive nature when you're 3,000 miles from my hand. It just wanted you to hold it. I forgot how much that was to ask.
You see, sometimes I forget that this is harder than I want to make it. But I dream... and something lets itself in through my back door while I'm away cleaning my windows. It will slit my throat, and I'll probably like it. Knock me up against the rocks under my skin.
I've panicked, my dear. I've crumbled to my own decisions. I've loved you more than I've ever loved any one single thing since before I can remember, and it's not enough. It's not enough to get you to me... so I have to let you go before I fall from the sensibility I once clinged to with every inch of my fingernails. I've bitten them off since I've known you... it may take awhile to grow them back.
I have one last thing to beg of you; remember how I will love you till I'm finished with every piece of myself. I will until I have no skin left to part terms with. And it's not just me. It's everything I've ever done.
I know it's an impossible thought, but all I can do is imagine these days. My memories have left me, you see, and though I'd beg them to come back if I had half a mind, I'm growing increasingly comfortable without them. I apologize ahead of time for the actions that are about to unfold themselves. They've slipped out of my hands.
I didn't want them to, you have to understand. I held on as long as was possible in my own right... but my stupid games come out to play on their own terms. I counted down to one five thousand times in the last few months... bidding my time against negative actions towards you. I did all that I could, but tripped somewhere along the way, and now find I have no power over my self-destructive nature when you're 3,000 miles from my hand. It just wanted you to hold it. I forgot how much that was to ask.
You see, sometimes I forget that this is harder than I want to make it. But I dream... and something lets itself in through my back door while I'm away cleaning my windows. It will slit my throat, and I'll probably like it. Knock me up against the rocks under my skin.
I've panicked, my dear. I've crumbled to my own decisions. I've loved you more than I've ever loved any one single thing since before I can remember, and it's not enough. It's not enough to get you to me... so I have to let you go before I fall from the sensibility I once clinged to with every inch of my fingernails. I've bitten them off since I've known you... it may take awhile to grow them back.
I have one last thing to beg of you; remember how I will love you till I'm finished with every piece of myself. I will until I have no skin left to part terms with. And it's not just me. It's everything I've ever done.