denial twist
Wrote this a year ago when I was Buffy-obsessed. Anyone who owns Where You Want To Be and has read the lyrics in the CD booklet will recognize bits.
So close to death it’s scary.
You can almost smell it in the air.
The stench hangs low over us.
Invisible, it still manages to cast a shadow.
I can’t do it; I’m not strong enough.
I’ll never be strong enough.
Face my demons for me, please.
Just shut up and hold me, please.
I’m not strong enough for anything.
Be my strength.
When it’s dark like this, I can pretend this is something I believe in.
It’s only you and me.
What they’d say if they knew doesn’t matter.
You love me.
That’s the only thing that matters, the only thing I’m sure of.
You love me.
You love me, you’ll never leave me, you’ll never hurt me.
Still, I could never love you.
I could never accept myself and my choice if I did.
I wish we had control of our lives for real.
I wish it wasn’t just circumstance.
We’re just people trapped in something we could never begin to comprehend.
As much as I wish it were otherwise, the thought helps.
It’s not my fault.
I didn’t start this.
It’s such a lie, but the thought helps.
I can pretend I didn’t start it.
You and I both know I did, but…
I can pretend.
I can pretend you aren’t beautiful in this light.
I can pretend I don’t admire what you are, what you’ve done.
I can pretend this isn’t beyond wrong on so many levels.
It’s just you, me, and…
Your soft voice whispering things that don’t make even a little bit of sense into my ear,
The cool air driving my senses crazy,
Our arms, wrapped tightlycarefullystronglyfirmlycomfortinglydesperately around each other,
My heart beating wildly in my chest,
Your sincere voice telling me you love me.
You’ve said it so many times and you’ll say it again,
Every single time with so much confidence in your voice,
Like you’ve never been so sure of anything in your life,
But every single heart-breaking time, I can’t tell if you mean it.
I can’t tell if I feel the same.
I just…I can’t decide.
There is one thing I’m sure of.
I could never be strong enough to let you go.
To face these battles on my own.
To ever let anyone else know about this.
It’s beyond wrong, but there’s one thing I’m sure of.
I need you.
I’ll keep you here.
When it’s dark like this,
I can pretend this is right.
It’s just you and me.
Your arms wrapped around
strong
comforting
firm
desperate
loving.
I love you.
But every heart breaking time
You say those words
I can’t tell if you mean it.
Truly?
Honestly?
Sincerely?
Maybe.
I can’t decide.
Face my nightmares for me, please.
Forget it all and hold me, please.
I’m not strong enough to let you leave.
I’m not strong enough for anything.
I’m not strong enough, but…
There’s one thing I’m sure of.
I could never let you go,
Or face these battles on my own,
Or ever let the others know…
I wish one of us could find it in us to just say no.
So close to death it’s scary.
You can almost smell it in the air.
The stench hangs low over us.
Invisible, it still manages to cast a shadow.
I can’t do it; I’m not strong enough.
I’ll never be strong enough.
Face my demons for me, please.
Just shut up and hold me, please.
I’m not strong enough for anything.
Be my strength.
When it’s dark like this, I can pretend this is something I believe in.
It’s only you and me.
What they’d say if they knew doesn’t matter.
You love me.
That’s the only thing that matters, the only thing I’m sure of.
You love me.
You love me, you’ll never leave me, you’ll never hurt me.
Still, I could never love you.
I could never accept myself and my choice if I did.
I wish we had control of our lives for real.
I wish it wasn’t just circumstance.
We’re just people trapped in something we could never begin to comprehend.
As much as I wish it were otherwise, the thought helps.
It’s not my fault.
I didn’t start this.
It’s such a lie, but the thought helps.
I can pretend I didn’t start it.
You and I both know I did, but…
I can pretend.
I can pretend you aren’t beautiful in this light.
I can pretend I don’t admire what you are, what you’ve done.
I can pretend this isn’t beyond wrong on so many levels.
It’s just you, me, and…
Your soft voice whispering things that don’t make even a little bit of sense into my ear,
The cool air driving my senses crazy,
Our arms, wrapped tightlycarefullystronglyfirmlycomfortinglydesperately around each other,
My heart beating wildly in my chest,
Your sincere voice telling me you love me.
You’ve said it so many times and you’ll say it again,
Every single time with so much confidence in your voice,
Like you’ve never been so sure of anything in your life,
But every single heart-breaking time, I can’t tell if you mean it.
I can’t tell if I feel the same.
I just…I can’t decide.
There is one thing I’m sure of.
I could never be strong enough to let you go.
To face these battles on my own.
To ever let anyone else know about this.
It’s beyond wrong, but there’s one thing I’m sure of.
I need you.
I’ll keep you here.
When it’s dark like this,
I can pretend this is right.
It’s just you and me.
Your arms wrapped around
strong
comforting
firm
desperate
loving.
I love you.
But every heart breaking time
You say those words
I can’t tell if you mean it.
Truly?
Honestly?
Sincerely?
Maybe.
I can’t decide.
Face my nightmares for me, please.
Forget it all and hold me, please.
I’m not strong enough to let you leave.
I’m not strong enough for anything.
I’m not strong enough, but…
There’s one thing I’m sure of.
I could never let you go,
Or face these battles on my own,
Or ever let the others know…
I wish one of us could find it in us to just say no.