My gender identity - an explanation.
I feel like this is something I need to say:
I am genderqueer.
I've identified this way for a couple of years now, although the general sense of not fitting into the gender box has been present for a while. Very few people actually know that this is my gender identity, so don't feel bad if you've been misgendering me, or upset that I didn't tell you.
The thing is, I spend much of the time feeling like it's not something I should make a big deal of - that by coming out, I would be making a fuss, drawing attention to myself, trying to make myself feel special, needlessly confusing people.
But I have this low-level anxiety about many aspects of my life, mostly revolving around how people view me and treat me. Friends as well as strangers. And when I go on forums or websites about non-binary people, I feel as though I belong there, as if it really is OK to be neither male or female and it's not a silly thing that's in my head.
It you're not sure what genderqueer means, or how it's different from being a tomboy, here is the best explanation I've come up with:
Most people spend their time putting other people into two boxes. There's the box for men, and the box for women. If you're a lovely accepting person, you put transmen in the male box and transwomen in the female box, and you think it's OK for people in the boxes to wear and act however they want. Men can wear skirts, women don't have to shave their armpits, etc.
That's great. But there are people out there who feel uncomfortable in either box. When the label "male" or "female" is applied to us, it's the same as a binary person being misgendered. We might get on well with people from one box, or both, or not get on very well with either, but we're not thinking "I feel at home with other girls" or "I like being one of the lads".
Personally, I feel a bit sick when I'm referred to as "ma'am" or "miss" or as a lady, woman, girl, "love", "darling", whatever. I want to correct them but don't know what to say. You don't want to be rude to someone who was just being friendly. You don't want to cause a scene over a brief public interaction with a stranger.
But these tiny experiences build up, until you feel like no one understands you and you'll never feel comfortable in your own skin. You can try to be more androgynous, but most people will always have these two boxes in their head - they're trying to figure out which one you fit into. If you go too far with androgyny, they'll just put you in the other box.
I'm trying out a more fluid gender expression, partly because I feel secretly thrilled when someone reads me as male and partly because I've shied away from femininity for a while, trying to distance myself from the gender I was assigned at birth. I want to get some feminine aspects of myself back, and I want to be male sometimes, to properly explore that side of myself.
So... This is my new haircut:
It's extreme, although not as extreme as it could have been, and it's annoying me a bit, and I like it.
I also have a chest binder, which I've been getting used to and I LOVE how it feels. I'm lucky to have a nice body, and I'm pleased with it, but sometimes I wish I could make my breasts go away. They're like a huge sign saying FEMALE, and people look for them when they can't figure out which box a person belongs in. So it's good to have the option to bind them, and have a flat chest.
I've thought of a few questions people might ask, so here are the answers, and if you have any more questions you should feel free to ask me - in the comments here or privately.
Q: How can I find out more about Genderqueer/Non-Binary identity?
A: Wikipedia is actually a good place to start; it's where I started when I realised this was something that might apply to me. Look at the related topics, there are some interesting things like Postgenderism. And I'll add a couple of links below for good websites:
Wikipedia: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer
Examples of Pronouns: http://genderneutralpronoun.wordpress.com/tag/genderqueer/
Different non-binary identities: http://genderqueerid.com/gq-terms
A Tumblr for genderqueer people: http://genderqueer.tumblr.com/
You'll see a lot of terms under the "genderqueer" umbrella - the ones that fit me most are genderfluid, bigender, and androgynous.
A more specific, politically correct description of me is: a FAaB, genderqueer, queer person. (That's Female Assigned at Birth, my gender and my sexuality.)
Q: Do you prefer certain pronouns? Have I been using the wrong ones?
A: I've thought about it and decided I would like to be referred to as Ze and Zir. See below for examples of how to use these pronouns. I haven't asked anyone to refer to me this way until now, so you haven't offended me in the past.
If you don't want to use these pronouns, don't worry about it too much. I don't want to force anyone to feel uncomfortable about me. Another option is to sometimes call me "he" and sometimes call me "she", if that feels better. But that's also just an option.
If you want to use them but feel weird about it: I know how that feels, and the best way to deal with it is to just go ahead and start using them. It'll stop feeling weird and you will make me happy.
Examples:
Ze has an awesome tattoo.
I complimented Zir on Zir excellent t-shirt.
That cheesecake is Zirs. Ze won't be happy if you eat it.
("Zir" rhymes with "hear", not "Sir". "Ze" rhymes with "tea")
Q: How else should I refer to you?
A: Use general words like sibling, oldest (as in oldest child) or partner. Feel free to use gendered words when I'm not around. I really don't mind - I would feel bad about putting you in a difficult situation.
Q: Are you going to change your name?
A: I'm using Nat as a gender neutral name. I might change my name officially from Natalie to Nat. I've also thought about giving myself a male middle name, and possibly changing my surname while I'm doing all of that. I like Richardson as a surname, because it doesn't remove the link to my Dad.
By the way, the full way to address me (unless I change my name) is Nat Adcock. Meaning I have no title. If I need a title for some reason, I would use Mx, X or The (as in, "The Nat Adcock", because how awesome does that sound?).
Q: Are you going to change your body?
A: Some people take testosterone or oestrogen, just enough to make slight changes. It would be nice to deepen my voice, but the problem with testosterone is that the changes are permanent. I don't want facial hair; it would make me look male and that's not what I'm going for. I also do actually like my body - sometimes I wish it was different, but this is what I have and I'm sticking with it.
Q: How does this affect your sexuality?
A: That's an easy one. I've always been attracted to a bit of everything. I sometimes call myself bisexual (easier to understand) and sometimes pansexual (because I find personality is the most sexually attractive thing about a person, and because the term isn't evocative of a gender binary). The term "queer" is also an accurate way to describe my sexuality, and it's a term I like to use when I'm referring to myself as part of the LGBT community.
I've actually been quiet about my sexuality at work (and having a male partner makes people assume you're straight) so I'd like this to also be an opportunity to fix that.
Q: How does this affect your partner?
A: Thankfully, my partner is understanding and has always encouraged me to explore my gender identity. He encouraged me to buy a binder, have my hair cut and write this blog. I've always felt that he sees me as a person first, and secondly someone with awesome boobs. It doesn't bother him that I'm not female, although he would have a problem if I identified as male - but only because he's straight.
Q: I understand the idea of there being more than two genders, but I don't agree with it.
A: That's an understandable point of view, but a lot of educated, intelligent people disagree with you. You can continue to call me "she" and don't voice your opinions around me - I'll treat you the same as I'd treat a non-vegetarian. Our opinions differ, but I'll live and let live unless you confront me or deliberately upset me.
That's all I have to say. Please ask any questions if you have them, or if you have nothing to say maybe you could leave a small comment showing you've read this. Thanks.