(no subject)
Title: The Better Days
Genre: Gen
Rating: PG-13
Chapter: 5
Summary: When your whole world turns upside down in a minute, how do you handle it? How do you go on when you're missing a huge piece of yourself? This is Zac's story as he tries to survive the worst thing that's ever happened to him.
<3 to my beta.
My damn tie is strangling me. I yank at the thing as I shove through the door back into our house-my house, now, Kate doesn’t live here anymore. I need out of this stupid suit. I need to break things. I need to sob again. Not that that’s a surprise. It took everything I had, but somehow I made it through burying my wife without going insane. I even sang the song for her nearly pitch-perfect, which I’m so glad for; the last song I’ll ever sing for her sounded pretty good. I choke a little as I tug the tie the wrong way, and curse at myself for being an idiot before undoing the knot and throwing the tie across the room.
Ike and Tay file in behind me, pulling the door closed again. I’m already shrugging off my suit jacket, wadding it up and tossing it across the room to join the tie. I let out a sigh as I undo my collar and flop down onto the couch, closing my eyes and trying not to shake too much. I hear footsteps as my brothers make their way across the room to me. "Zac…is there anything you need, dude? You want some food or anything?" Tay’s quiet voice asks. I shake my head, sighing as I feel tears well up in my eyes again. I let them spill over. What else can I do?
"Zac…" I feel the couch creak as Ike sits down beside me and squeezes my shoulder. Feeling like a child, I scoot towards him and lean my head on his shoulder without opening my eyes. His arms go around me again, re-assuming the role of comforter he’s had to take up so many times this week. I don’t want to open my eyes. I don’t want to look around and see the reminders of the life Kate and I had together. I want to just…not be. I want to be someone else.
"Zac, you look exhausted," Tay says from somewhere nearby. "I know you haven’t been sleeping well…do you wanna try to sleep for a while?" I shake my head. I haven’t gotten more than a few hours of sleep every night since it happened, but that’s because the nightmares are overwhelming, and I really don’t want to watch Kate beheaded or drowning or dying in my arms again. "I can’t," I manage to say shakily around the throat-clogging of tears. "It hurts too much…"
Ike sighs. "Zac, I know this is hard, but…you need to try to take care of yourself. We’ve had to make you eat and clean up and sleep…you don’t need to get sick right now." He sounds a little desperate, and I peel my watery eyes open and look up at him. "We’re here to help you, Zac, and I know you’re hurting…but don’t give up, okay? There’s a lot of people who love you and need you, Zac…"
I flinch a little bit. I’ve been so consumed by my own grief, I keep forgetting everyone else is grieving too. "I…I think I could sleep," I say softly. "But…I don’t want to be alone…" My voice sounds like a two-year-old’s. I’m not myself at all right now…they know that, though. Ike squeezes my shoulder. "We can stay with you until you fall asleep if you need us, Zac," he says softly, and although it makes me feel even more like a toddler, I nod. The thought of lying alone in the bed Kate and I shared and trying to sleep is nauseating…it will be better with people there to fill some of the empty space.
My brothers help me up and we head upstairs to my room. I grab a t-shirt and boxers and go off to the bathroom, where I thankfully shed the rest of the suit and pull on the nightclothes. I notice my toothbrush lying on the sink, and remembering what Ike said, I stop and brush my teeth quickly before heading back into the bedroom. I give my brothers a weak bit of a smile as I pull back the covers and slide into my side of the bed; Tay and Ike perch on the bed beside me, leaning against the headboard. I still feel really childish, but I’m so thankful they’re there.
"Guys…I…thanks," I say softly. "You’ve done so much for me since….it happened…"
Tay waves his hand a little. "You’re our brother, Zac, and you need us. We wouldn’t be anywhere else."
"We’re glad we can help you even if only a little," Ike says, resting a hand briefly on my shoulder as I settle myself on the pillow. Dangit, here come the tears again. They bubble so close to the surface all the time; it’s a miracle I’m not a big mass of tears twenty-four-seven, but I know I need to cry a lot right now, and I’m not ashamed in front of my brothers. We’re close enough that tears don’t matter. Sighing, I swipe my hand over my face. "I miss her," I say softly, letting out a quiet little sob.
"Aw," Tay says quietly, sighing a bit and leaning to squeeze my shoulder. "We know, Zac…" Ike puts his hand on my shoulder too. I don’t know why, but I keep talking.
"I keep thinking I’ll wake up and she’ll be there…but she’s not, she won’t be ever again and…and it hurts. Every time I wake up I reach for her and she’s not there…I don’t know what to do," I sniffle. Tay reaches to hug me again, and I sigh a little, thankful for the comfort.
"You probably won’t know what to do for awhile, Zac," Ike says pensively, squeezing my shoulder again. "Just…don’t keep it all bottled up. You need to grieve, and you need to express your feelings and stuff. And that’s one of the reasons we’re here. It’s okay for you to vent to us like this when you need to, okay?"
I nod, the tears making it difficult to speak. I need a hug again. I shift a little and reach for Ike; he notices and hugs me gently as Tay rubs my shoulder comfortingly. They murmur comforting nothings at me, and I let the tears run their course, missing Kate so much I have a stomachache. Sooner or later, I’m going to have to learn how to get by on my own…I’m not looking forward to it at all.