Just hold me close... don't patronize
Just got back from X2... what an awesome movie. Better than the Matrix. Plus, I just finished reading Once & Future King, so it brought a lot more insight and understanding to the movie. I didn't do any of the study guide and I still got a 100 on the test. Lara didn't even pick up the book, she just used spark notes and got a 99. We are cool kids. She couldn't remember the Damascus parable, so she made some bullshit up and left a note on the side that said "I really don't have any idea what I'm talking about. You should just mark it wrong." So Mrs. Suchy gave her full credit. Might I add that we are an honors class? M-W is just so challenging.
I'm going to lunch with Gabe tomorrow. Matt's tourney got canceled, so Paul no longer has the house all to himself for 3 days ::sigh:: Alas, perhaps it was not meant to be. Gabe and I will probably still hang out there on Sunday though. And possibly hook up. His kisses have become a daily thing in lunch. Which I guess is good, but I'd still rather have a relationship. I need a relationship, but I don't have the energy to tell him everything I should. I'm just so damn tired anymore. Lacrosse ended with our 10-6 loss to Kingston in the Section 9 finals on Wednesday, and I thought with some rest I would cheer up and get some energy somewhere... but I haven't. "I never thought I'd be this tired at 22..." Yeah, maybe this is just St. Elmo's fire... all made up. But I'm tired of searching for something that's not to be found. And some days I wake up and everything just aches and I'm just so damn tired of being alone. I'm not even close to Paul anymore. The only person that was ever really easy to talk to was Roxy and jeeze, when was the last time I talked to her? So is this it? Is it all gonna come out tonight? Not like anyone reads this anymore, judging by the lack of comments. Good. Now I feel safe to say what I really want to... what I really feel: I AM ALONE. It's as simple as that. Just a fact. Floating around meaninglessly in some plane of consciousness somewhere. Now floating around in this train of thought that makes no sense. Just a fact that needs to be stated because facts are known, just not spoken though we all know it. And should I confess everything to Gabe tomorrow? Perhaps... It pretty much comes down to the simple conclusion that I must make a decision: let him in and have an actual relationship or keep him at bay? If I let him in, I know I'll fall for him. And there is something in me that doesn't want to do that. That doesn't want to be vulnerable to anyone. A part that is still afraid that if I fall, he won't catch me. Or if he does, he won't be able to hold me. But another part of me is ready to just give in. Needs to give in. It's gonna give in either way, so it might as well give in to someone rather than no one. I'm scared for a change. I can do it, I know that. But I'm scared because I don't know if I will do it. Maybe it's time to let go. I know it's time to let go, but I never realized how hard letting go would be. This whole ramble makes no sense and I'm sure no one reading this has any idea of who or what I'm talking about. I'm tempted to delete this, but I won't... I want it for myself. To know I said what I needed to say and came out with it. And perhaps I will tell all to Gabe and let myself fall for him. Or maybe I won't. But this time the choice is mine, and that offers some security... makes me feel a little better. Romance is so complicated. Maybe that's what makes it so wonderful...
I'm going to lunch with Gabe tomorrow. Matt's tourney got canceled, so Paul no longer has the house all to himself for 3 days ::sigh:: Alas, perhaps it was not meant to be. Gabe and I will probably still hang out there on Sunday though. And possibly hook up. His kisses have become a daily thing in lunch. Which I guess is good, but I'd still rather have a relationship. I need a relationship, but I don't have the energy to tell him everything I should. I'm just so damn tired anymore. Lacrosse ended with our 10-6 loss to Kingston in the Section 9 finals on Wednesday, and I thought with some rest I would cheer up and get some energy somewhere... but I haven't. "I never thought I'd be this tired at 22..." Yeah, maybe this is just St. Elmo's fire... all made up. But I'm tired of searching for something that's not to be found. And some days I wake up and everything just aches and I'm just so damn tired of being alone. I'm not even close to Paul anymore. The only person that was ever really easy to talk to was Roxy and jeeze, when was the last time I talked to her? So is this it? Is it all gonna come out tonight? Not like anyone reads this anymore, judging by the lack of comments. Good. Now I feel safe to say what I really want to... what I really feel: I AM ALONE. It's as simple as that. Just a fact. Floating around meaninglessly in some plane of consciousness somewhere. Now floating around in this train of thought that makes no sense. Just a fact that needs to be stated because facts are known, just not spoken though we all know it. And should I confess everything to Gabe tomorrow? Perhaps... It pretty much comes down to the simple conclusion that I must make a decision: let him in and have an actual relationship or keep him at bay? If I let him in, I know I'll fall for him. And there is something in me that doesn't want to do that. That doesn't want to be vulnerable to anyone. A part that is still afraid that if I fall, he won't catch me. Or if he does, he won't be able to hold me. But another part of me is ready to just give in. Needs to give in. It's gonna give in either way, so it might as well give in to someone rather than no one. I'm scared for a change. I can do it, I know that. But I'm scared because I don't know if I will do it. Maybe it's time to let go. I know it's time to let go, but I never realized how hard letting go would be. This whole ramble makes no sense and I'm sure no one reading this has any idea of who or what I'm talking about. I'm tempted to delete this, but I won't... I want it for myself. To know I said what I needed to say and came out with it. And perhaps I will tell all to Gabe and let myself fall for him. Or maybe I won't. But this time the choice is mine, and that offers some security... makes me feel a little better. Romance is so complicated. Maybe that's what makes it so wonderful...