Interesting...
I went to read my "friends" page and found that the only entry on it was from Angie from right before she got on a plane to fly home... So I'm curious if everyone has taken me off their friends list or there havent been any updates in centuries or whats going on.. So Ill just assume that I can write more openly with out hesitation or worries about others thoughts and feelings about my entries..
Lately I have been feeling nothing but complete, total, and utter rage towards everything and everyone.. I have been hiding it pretty well or excusing myself from the room or whatever if I dont feel that I have the self control not to lash out on whoever it is that is setting me off. I dont know where this anger or violence has come from or why I have been feeling such a way but it is what it is. I mean it's not necessarily anyone's fault per say at least not all of the time. I am not sure how to handle these violent feelings or angry feelings or whatever it is you want to refer to them as. Let's just say that since it all started about a month or two ago I should just be grateful that I havent flew off the handle yet and got myself arrested, charged, and incarcerated for umpteen years. I'd like to think that my therapist could assist me with these feelings but I havent really opened up to her about them just yet and honeslty what could she possibly do or say to change those feelings? I mean seriously.. there is not much one can say or do to quit feeling any particular way except just go with the feelings and the flow of it, try not to act irrationally, and let it pass on its own natural course.. At least thats the way that I see things.. I mean my depression for example.. they've tried all sorts of medications and different types of therapy and thus far nothing has worked.. I mean the depression comes and goes.. sometimes it comes in like a freaking tsunami and other times I barely notice it at all or there are those rare times where I am just able to cope with it better than most other times. Or there is my mania..which isn't as often of a visitor as my depression but comes around every now and again.. well Im manic for a few days or so being all hyped up, full of energy, happy to be alive, care free, etc etc then all on its own (at least my cases) it says its good byes. So I am hoping that based off those experiences these feelings of rage towards EVERYONE will just go away on their own and I can only hope and pray that I stop feeling so enraged/violent before I do something stupid that could ruin the rest of my life.. Fortunately I focus on myself and whats going on internally and when I notice those feelings rising typically with a quickness I put myself in check and do my best to get myself out of whatever situation I was in. I only hope that there doesnt come the time when I dont notice the rage firing up in me and lack any self control and end up doing probably something thats pretty fucked up in general. I mean I honestly haven't the slightest idea as to why I feel so angry, enraged, violent, and what not.. I mean honestly.. has there ever been a time or times that you were sooooooooo angry at someone or about something that youre not sure you can control your temper and yet dont truly know exactly why or what pissed you off to such a great extent?!?! I know for a fact that stupid people should just get punched for opening their mouths... I am very FIRM believer of that. Seriously... I very little or maybe its no tolerance for stupidity or ignorance whatsoever. There was a time when I could handle those kinds of people, in fact I was close friends with a few pretty stupid/ignorant people... but lets just say I had to sever those relationships pretty recently in fact. I mean Im not soo fucked up that I just quit talking to them completely or went and changed my number to avoid talking to them like Ive been advised to do by many others.. I just dont put much time, effort, thought, or care into anything that is said or exchanged with those people. I rarely respond to them and when I do I keep it sweet, short, and to the point as to not confuse them or lead them to believe that I care anymore about whatever bullshit they've gotten themselves into this time.. I dont care and wont have them believing that I do either. That may sound fucked up and it probably is fucked up on my part to be such a cold hearted prejudice bitch to others but I am trying to get myself put back together little by little peice by piece and wont have those stupid melo dramatic people bring me down even more because of their stupid ass shit.. I have my own problems and dont need to make they're problems my own.
Now today's irritation and anger is completely justified and understandable. Last night around 12am or so I was basically kidnapped by a good friend to celebrate their birthday.. Well this celebration was supposed to last throughout last night, today and part of tonight.. well unexpectedly I was dropped back off at home at around 10 this morning because they supposedly had "car problems" and needed to take it in to the "mechanics" or what the fuck ever.. Ok fine.. No big deal. They tell me that as soon as their car gets fixed theyre coming back to get me and finish celebrating their birthday.. I even specifically asked them if they were for sure coming back because I already cancelled some of the plans I had already had for the day and if they weren't coming back I could do what I was originally planning on doing. They told me again that they'd be back asap to pick me to hang out and what not... So then around 3pm I call them to see whats going on because I hadnt heard anything yet and they told me their car would finished in about an hour from then and then they'd be on their way to my house... well ladys and gents... it is now 7pm. 4 hours later and low and behold they havent shown up and to top that off havent responded to my texts or answered my phone calls... But thats not all.. thats not even the irritating or angering part of it at all.. Let me ice this cake for you: before they dropped me off we stopped by the store so I could get cigarettes well when I was getting out of the car, my wallet fell out of my purse.. I freaked out until they finally told me they had it and they told me they'd make to bring it out to me tonight no questions asked... well my wallet contains my debit card, my credit cards, my SS card, cash, phone numbers.... etc etc... So if they dont want to kick it anymore today, Ill be ok a little butthurt because I was looking forward to hanging out with them but Id understand... but now they have my fucking wallet... and its not them that Im worried about having my wallet, its the possible scandalous fuckers they sometimes associate themselves with that I fear could obtain my wallet and fuck my shit up worse than it already is... Plus Im already having issues trying to replace my ID since Ive lost it and the last thing I need is for my SS card to be stolen or lost because without that I have nothing and wouldnt know what else I could use for identification when replacing my ID... so like I said... my anger/rage/irritation today is more than justified... wouldn't you agree????
Lately I have been feeling nothing but complete, total, and utter rage towards everything and everyone.. I have been hiding it pretty well or excusing myself from the room or whatever if I dont feel that I have the self control not to lash out on whoever it is that is setting me off. I dont know where this anger or violence has come from or why I have been feeling such a way but it is what it is. I mean it's not necessarily anyone's fault per say at least not all of the time. I am not sure how to handle these violent feelings or angry feelings or whatever it is you want to refer to them as. Let's just say that since it all started about a month or two ago I should just be grateful that I havent flew off the handle yet and got myself arrested, charged, and incarcerated for umpteen years. I'd like to think that my therapist could assist me with these feelings but I havent really opened up to her about them just yet and honeslty what could she possibly do or say to change those feelings? I mean seriously.. there is not much one can say or do to quit feeling any particular way except just go with the feelings and the flow of it, try not to act irrationally, and let it pass on its own natural course.. At least thats the way that I see things.. I mean my depression for example.. they've tried all sorts of medications and different types of therapy and thus far nothing has worked.. I mean the depression comes and goes.. sometimes it comes in like a freaking tsunami and other times I barely notice it at all or there are those rare times where I am just able to cope with it better than most other times. Or there is my mania..which isn't as often of a visitor as my depression but comes around every now and again.. well Im manic for a few days or so being all hyped up, full of energy, happy to be alive, care free, etc etc then all on its own (at least my cases) it says its good byes. So I am hoping that based off those experiences these feelings of rage towards EVERYONE will just go away on their own and I can only hope and pray that I stop feeling so enraged/violent before I do something stupid that could ruin the rest of my life.. Fortunately I focus on myself and whats going on internally and when I notice those feelings rising typically with a quickness I put myself in check and do my best to get myself out of whatever situation I was in. I only hope that there doesnt come the time when I dont notice the rage firing up in me and lack any self control and end up doing probably something thats pretty fucked up in general. I mean I honestly haven't the slightest idea as to why I feel so angry, enraged, violent, and what not.. I mean honestly.. has there ever been a time or times that you were sooooooooo angry at someone or about something that youre not sure you can control your temper and yet dont truly know exactly why or what pissed you off to such a great extent?!?! I know for a fact that stupid people should just get punched for opening their mouths... I am very FIRM believer of that. Seriously... I very little or maybe its no tolerance for stupidity or ignorance whatsoever. There was a time when I could handle those kinds of people, in fact I was close friends with a few pretty stupid/ignorant people... but lets just say I had to sever those relationships pretty recently in fact. I mean Im not soo fucked up that I just quit talking to them completely or went and changed my number to avoid talking to them like Ive been advised to do by many others.. I just dont put much time, effort, thought, or care into anything that is said or exchanged with those people. I rarely respond to them and when I do I keep it sweet, short, and to the point as to not confuse them or lead them to believe that I care anymore about whatever bullshit they've gotten themselves into this time.. I dont care and wont have them believing that I do either. That may sound fucked up and it probably is fucked up on my part to be such a cold hearted prejudice bitch to others but I am trying to get myself put back together little by little peice by piece and wont have those stupid melo dramatic people bring me down even more because of their stupid ass shit.. I have my own problems and dont need to make they're problems my own.
Now today's irritation and anger is completely justified and understandable. Last night around 12am or so I was basically kidnapped by a good friend to celebrate their birthday.. Well this celebration was supposed to last throughout last night, today and part of tonight.. well unexpectedly I was dropped back off at home at around 10 this morning because they supposedly had "car problems" and needed to take it in to the "mechanics" or what the fuck ever.. Ok fine.. No big deal. They tell me that as soon as their car gets fixed theyre coming back to get me and finish celebrating their birthday.. I even specifically asked them if they were for sure coming back because I already cancelled some of the plans I had already had for the day and if they weren't coming back I could do what I was originally planning on doing. They told me again that they'd be back asap to pick me to hang out and what not... So then around 3pm I call them to see whats going on because I hadnt heard anything yet and they told me their car would finished in about an hour from then and then they'd be on their way to my house... well ladys and gents... it is now 7pm. 4 hours later and low and behold they havent shown up and to top that off havent responded to my texts or answered my phone calls... But thats not all.. thats not even the irritating or angering part of it at all.. Let me ice this cake for you: before they dropped me off we stopped by the store so I could get cigarettes well when I was getting out of the car, my wallet fell out of my purse.. I freaked out until they finally told me they had it and they told me they'd make to bring it out to me tonight no questions asked... well my wallet contains my debit card, my credit cards, my SS card, cash, phone numbers.... etc etc... So if they dont want to kick it anymore today, Ill be ok a little butthurt because I was looking forward to hanging out with them but Id understand... but now they have my fucking wallet... and its not them that Im worried about having my wallet, its the possible scandalous fuckers they sometimes associate themselves with that I fear could obtain my wallet and fuck my shit up worse than it already is... Plus Im already having issues trying to replace my ID since Ive lost it and the last thing I need is for my SS card to be stolen or lost because without that I have nothing and wouldnt know what else I could use for identification when replacing my ID... so like I said... my anger/rage/irritation today is more than justified... wouldn't you agree????