it's a cruel, cruel, cruel summer
things have been better. things have possibly also been worse, but only in a relative comparison to what feels terrible to a little kid brain. these are semi-adult brain things.
back in may, my uncle passed away very suddenly. like, as suddenly as you can get. my aunt called him at 3 p.m. that day and everything was normal but by the time she got home two and a half hours later, everything had fallen apart. she found him on the floor of their basement, already cold.
i happened to have that day off from work, so i was at a bar with neal and my dad for some late-afternoon beers. we had been there for a couple hours and i had a pretty decent buzz on when my mom called my dad's cell phone. nothing out of the norm, she always kids that she doesn't trust us together and she usually likes to make sure none of us are getting too drunky to drive. i jokingly yelled something in the background about leaving us alone but after a few seconds passed, i realized it wasn't her typical check-in phone call. he got off the phone and told me that my uncle dan had been in some sort of accident and that no one really knew what was going on yet. my mom was heading to their house to see what was going on and said she would update us later. i didn't understand at first... i thought no news was better than bad news. my dad already had a solemn look on his face, he said, "i don't know... i've had this kind of phone call before and it doesn't sound too good."
thinking back on it, i can't believe how long it took me to understand what really happened. my dad called the police station to see if there had been any serious accidents with a potential fatal, but no one had heard anything. we ordered another round and a shot of jameson, just in case.
a few minutes later, my mom called back and we got the full story. one of my aunt's neighbors had called her because my aunt was in pretty bad shape at the time and could barely talk. when the neighbor had tried to explain what was going on, she said that there was "some sort of accident with dan" and that's where the term "accident" had come from. there was no accident in the sense of a car crash, just in that what happened should not have happened at all.
thankfully the bar we were at is pretty close to my aunt's house, so we were able to be there within 15 minutes or so. i really can't explain what we walked into that well--he was still in the basement when we got there and my aunt... oh man. up until then, i had never seen someone in such complete pain and it ripped my heart right out of my chest. it still does when i picture how she looked when we first walked in.
so i've been working on holding things together all summer and i think i've been doing a pretty good job at it but it definitely started a funk that i've had a hard time shaking. there are just some days where i feel like a pool whose sides are about to burst open because it was filled too high. water constantly dripping from every seam... not a pretty picture.
today is one of those days where it takes every ounce of strength that i have to hold myself together and not burst out into a chlorinated tidal wave.
sometimes i feel like i am so far away from reality. like i’m floating above everything and everyone in some fuzzy bubble that’s only tethered to the world by a piece of dental floss. and sometimes i feel like this is the realest thing i have ever experienced... like this is the hardest i have felt something in years, maybe even ever.
sometimes it makes me want to hug someone as hard as i can for as long as they will let me. or maybe have them hug me as hard as they can until i tell them to stop. sometimes it makes me want to throw up. mostly, it makes me afraid of life. afraid of who else is going to be snatched away much too soon. afraid of what happens when they are. afraid of seeing people hurt so much again.
i will never forget how it felt to make phone calls that night to let people know what happened. i didn’t cry on the phone and before i knew it, the words that he had passed away were coming out of my mouth. “debbie’s husband just passed away”... the words were so alien, like i was hearing them coming out of someone else’s mouth instead of my own.
woof. so it goes. it will go differently soon.
back in may, my uncle passed away very suddenly. like, as suddenly as you can get. my aunt called him at 3 p.m. that day and everything was normal but by the time she got home two and a half hours later, everything had fallen apart. she found him on the floor of their basement, already cold.
i happened to have that day off from work, so i was at a bar with neal and my dad for some late-afternoon beers. we had been there for a couple hours and i had a pretty decent buzz on when my mom called my dad's cell phone. nothing out of the norm, she always kids that she doesn't trust us together and she usually likes to make sure none of us are getting too drunky to drive. i jokingly yelled something in the background about leaving us alone but after a few seconds passed, i realized it wasn't her typical check-in phone call. he got off the phone and told me that my uncle dan had been in some sort of accident and that no one really knew what was going on yet. my mom was heading to their house to see what was going on and said she would update us later. i didn't understand at first... i thought no news was better than bad news. my dad already had a solemn look on his face, he said, "i don't know... i've had this kind of phone call before and it doesn't sound too good."
thinking back on it, i can't believe how long it took me to understand what really happened. my dad called the police station to see if there had been any serious accidents with a potential fatal, but no one had heard anything. we ordered another round and a shot of jameson, just in case.
a few minutes later, my mom called back and we got the full story. one of my aunt's neighbors had called her because my aunt was in pretty bad shape at the time and could barely talk. when the neighbor had tried to explain what was going on, she said that there was "some sort of accident with dan" and that's where the term "accident" had come from. there was no accident in the sense of a car crash, just in that what happened should not have happened at all.
thankfully the bar we were at is pretty close to my aunt's house, so we were able to be there within 15 minutes or so. i really can't explain what we walked into that well--he was still in the basement when we got there and my aunt... oh man. up until then, i had never seen someone in such complete pain and it ripped my heart right out of my chest. it still does when i picture how she looked when we first walked in.
so i've been working on holding things together all summer and i think i've been doing a pretty good job at it but it definitely started a funk that i've had a hard time shaking. there are just some days where i feel like a pool whose sides are about to burst open because it was filled too high. water constantly dripping from every seam... not a pretty picture.
today is one of those days where it takes every ounce of strength that i have to hold myself together and not burst out into a chlorinated tidal wave.
sometimes i feel like i am so far away from reality. like i’m floating above everything and everyone in some fuzzy bubble that’s only tethered to the world by a piece of dental floss. and sometimes i feel like this is the realest thing i have ever experienced... like this is the hardest i have felt something in years, maybe even ever.
sometimes it makes me want to hug someone as hard as i can for as long as they will let me. or maybe have them hug me as hard as they can until i tell them to stop. sometimes it makes me want to throw up. mostly, it makes me afraid of life. afraid of who else is going to be snatched away much too soon. afraid of what happens when they are. afraid of seeing people hurt so much again.
i will never forget how it felt to make phone calls that night to let people know what happened. i didn’t cry on the phone and before i knew it, the words that he had passed away were coming out of my mouth. “debbie’s husband just passed away”... the words were so alien, like i was hearing them coming out of someone else’s mouth instead of my own.
woof. so it goes. it will go differently soon.