i hear in my mind all of this music and it breaks my heart
when i look out my window it's filled with red buds from the tree outside and they perfectly match the color of the walls around the windows. it's kinda hard to explain but it looks cool and makes me excited for spring and summer and posters.
ulterior motives freak me out.
sometimes i look at pictures of people together and they look so so happy. like they could just stay in that picture forever and be completely okay with that and happy about the town they're in and the person they're holding and the sunset in the background and even the seagull that's about to shit on their heads. i dunno there are just some pictures where people just look so happy to be with each other. and i wonder if i've ever taken a picture like that cause i don't think i have. actually maybe i have. but i'm kinda doubting it. but my point of this babble and also the reason why i've never taken one of those pictures is that they look so happy but i'm not so sure if they really are. like they probably think they're happy at the time, but maybe they're unhappy and they don't even know it. like i get the sense that they're just taking that perfect picture so that there are perfect pictures of them because they just want people to think things are that good. at least i know when i suck. for the most part. but i don't know i mean if you really and truly think you're happy then wouldn't that kind of automatically make you happy? it might not even be possible to be unhappy and not know it but i'm pretty sure it is. meh.
ha ha orrrrrrr of course there's the better solution of REALITY. which suggests that i'm being a cynical bitch and don't want people i don't like to be happy. not even people i don't like. people who try too hard? i almost forgot that extra o. tsk.
you know what's funny? something could mean so much to a person. so much that this person obsesses over the object and cries at its absence and wonders why they just can't have this thing that they lost. then suddenly someone randomly picks it up, uses it for an hour or two, then gets bored and tosses it. but that doesn't mean the second person should feel bad. i don't think. weird. i think it all has something to do with needs and necessity (redundant?) but i don't feel like getting into it. but one man's trash really is another's treasure.
i think i'm a lot meaner than i used to be. nice doesn't really get you anywhere. actually both of those sentences are lies. i'm not mean. sarcastic maybe definitely but i still have a conscience. a big one. well maybe not super big but enough so that it interferes with my life way more than it should.
i need a clone of myself that i can chill out with and talk to and caitlin2 can be like don't freak out this is what's going on. and i know she'll be in the right mindset and know what's up and she won't go running her mouth. then we can go swinging and get ice cream and SKIP THROUGH THE FUCKING PARK WHILE HOLDING HANDS. meh i don't know what i need. my friends at school cannot understand the way i think for the life of them. other people talk too much. other people don't always understand the situations i find myself in. okay a lot of people don't get that last one. whatever. i'm not doing that whole WAH NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MEEEE!!!!! thing i just need to comfortably talk shit out DAMMIT.
i don't know. this didn't help. but tonight's a heroin night so i'm off to see how many times i have to shoot up before i sell my body for drug money.
ulterior motives freak me out.
sometimes i look at pictures of people together and they look so so happy. like they could just stay in that picture forever and be completely okay with that and happy about the town they're in and the person they're holding and the sunset in the background and even the seagull that's about to shit on their heads. i dunno there are just some pictures where people just look so happy to be with each other. and i wonder if i've ever taken a picture like that cause i don't think i have. actually maybe i have. but i'm kinda doubting it. but my point of this babble and also the reason why i've never taken one of those pictures is that they look so happy but i'm not so sure if they really are. like they probably think they're happy at the time, but maybe they're unhappy and they don't even know it. like i get the sense that they're just taking that perfect picture so that there are perfect pictures of them because they just want people to think things are that good. at least i know when i suck. for the most part. but i don't know i mean if you really and truly think you're happy then wouldn't that kind of automatically make you happy? it might not even be possible to be unhappy and not know it but i'm pretty sure it is. meh.
ha ha orrrrrrr of course there's the better solution of REALITY. which suggests that i'm being a cynical bitch and don't want people i don't like to be happy. not even people i don't like. people who try too hard? i almost forgot that extra o. tsk.
you know what's funny? something could mean so much to a person. so much that this person obsesses over the object and cries at its absence and wonders why they just can't have this thing that they lost. then suddenly someone randomly picks it up, uses it for an hour or two, then gets bored and tosses it. but that doesn't mean the second person should feel bad. i don't think. weird. i think it all has something to do with needs and necessity (redundant?) but i don't feel like getting into it. but one man's trash really is another's treasure.
i think i'm a lot meaner than i used to be. nice doesn't really get you anywhere. actually both of those sentences are lies. i'm not mean. sarcastic maybe definitely but i still have a conscience. a big one. well maybe not super big but enough so that it interferes with my life way more than it should.
i need a clone of myself that i can chill out with and talk to and caitlin2 can be like don't freak out this is what's going on. and i know she'll be in the right mindset and know what's up and she won't go running her mouth. then we can go swinging and get ice cream and SKIP THROUGH THE FUCKING PARK WHILE HOLDING HANDS. meh i don't know what i need. my friends at school cannot understand the way i think for the life of them. other people talk too much. other people don't always understand the situations i find myself in. okay a lot of people don't get that last one. whatever. i'm not doing that whole WAH NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MEEEE!!!!! thing i just need to comfortably talk shit out DAMMIT.
i don't know. this didn't help. but tonight's a heroin night so i'm off to see how many times i have to shoot up before i sell my body for drug money.