To remember
I started missing my lost babies tonight while reading some stuff on a message board. I don't ever want to forget my daughter and son because they were mine and no matter the circumstances...I'll love them forever and carry them with me always in my heart
For Crystal
For C.J.
The pain from it has eased over the years because it has been a long time but sometimes I get this pang and remember because a scared little girl losing the only hopes that I had ever known. Like someone trying to take away that feeling that is so overpowering it could take the life force from your body. That was until I realized I didn't have to lose it and I can grieve whenever I feel like it because I will always love and miss them. I had no idea what it would have been to have them so young but I love to think that I would have been a wonderful mom here on earth to them like I will always be in my heart and soul.
I'm sitting here crying because you go on each day but you never forget that pain that goes so deep. I could never even imagine having a still born child if this is what a miscarriage can do to me.
I try to imagine her sometimes. Like shes in the other room pretending to be a princess and getting ready to bring a masterpeice that she just drew me so I can hang it on the fridge. I imagine holding her tight and kissing her little milky eyelids and letting her know how much I will love her forever and what a great little girl she is. I see her grow and age in my mind. Graduate high school and go to college, or get married. Have my grandchildren while I stand in there and hold her hand. There is so much hope that can't be stole and its so strange because I know that it will never be possible. So...I will carry my hope and pretend that she grows up because thats how I can breath each breath.
And C.J. I can see his dark curls and blue eyes. I can see him ride his bike outside, play hide and seek and bring his work home to show me. I see him brilliant and curious. I see him wonderful and imaginative. I see him love his Mommy and not hate me because I'm so young and I didn't love his dad. I see him forgive me when he is a man with a daughter with dark curls. Maybe they grow in heaven...and thats why the do in my heart.
Its so strange because I know if I would have had them I would never had my wonderful little boys, Hayden and Korbyn. Kelly would have never been with me. Maybe God wanted me to know that there can be love in even the worst of situations.
You don't have to comment on this post because sometimes there isn't words to say. You can if you want to though...I won't be angry. Sorry for this post but sometimes I just have to let it out.
Love Always,
Julie the Mommy
For Crystal
For C.J.
The pain from it has eased over the years because it has been a long time but sometimes I get this pang and remember because a scared little girl losing the only hopes that I had ever known. Like someone trying to take away that feeling that is so overpowering it could take the life force from your body. That was until I realized I didn't have to lose it and I can grieve whenever I feel like it because I will always love and miss them. I had no idea what it would have been to have them so young but I love to think that I would have been a wonderful mom here on earth to them like I will always be in my heart and soul.
I'm sitting here crying because you go on each day but you never forget that pain that goes so deep. I could never even imagine having a still born child if this is what a miscarriage can do to me.
I try to imagine her sometimes. Like shes in the other room pretending to be a princess and getting ready to bring a masterpeice that she just drew me so I can hang it on the fridge. I imagine holding her tight and kissing her little milky eyelids and letting her know how much I will love her forever and what a great little girl she is. I see her grow and age in my mind. Graduate high school and go to college, or get married. Have my grandchildren while I stand in there and hold her hand. There is so much hope that can't be stole and its so strange because I know that it will never be possible. So...I will carry my hope and pretend that she grows up because thats how I can breath each breath.
And C.J. I can see his dark curls and blue eyes. I can see him ride his bike outside, play hide and seek and bring his work home to show me. I see him brilliant and curious. I see him wonderful and imaginative. I see him love his Mommy and not hate me because I'm so young and I didn't love his dad. I see him forgive me when he is a man with a daughter with dark curls. Maybe they grow in heaven...and thats why the do in my heart.
Its so strange because I know if I would have had them I would never had my wonderful little boys, Hayden and Korbyn. Kelly would have never been with me. Maybe God wanted me to know that there can be love in even the worst of situations.
You don't have to comment on this post because sometimes there isn't words to say. You can if you want to though...I won't be angry. Sorry for this post but sometimes I just have to let it out.
Love Always,
Julie the Mommy