A flood
Ah. Privacy. The beauty of my live journal is that unlike my myspace no one here knows me (personally I mean). Yes there are people who pop in and read my posts from time to time but they have never met me, save one and she is one of my best friends and there's nothing I wouldn't tell her. I would actually prefer strangers read my most personal thoughts and problems. Why? Privacy. They don't know me. They don't know who I am. They are not affected by my problems or choices. They have no bias. They have no affect on me. They are always welcome to comment, I always want feedback from unbiased sources of wisdom, but if they say something downright mean or discouraging then it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter b/c their opinion cannot affect me b/c they don't know me. It's just that simple. Not so simple with my myspace.
So I had a bad mushroom trip on my birthday. I've tripped mushrooms many times before, always a good experience. Never hallucinated or got upset or had a 'bad trip'. Always just felt very warm and fuzzy and happy and nostalgic and everything looked the same but prettier. Not so the last time. The last time I overdosed and thought I was dying (which I wasn't). It was barnun (sp?) one of the worst experiences of my life. Right up there with my husband leaving me and being molested as a child. Same category. Anyway. To make a long story short, after that I resolved to quit drugs (all drugs) for a while. The only thing I was doing on a regular basis was drinking and smoking cannabis. However, during my trip I thought about my life over the past 2 or 3 years and realized that I've been sedating myself everyday for a very long time. People who are happy and just want something to play with get 'high'. I don't get 'high'. I get sedated. I use alcohol and cannabis to sedate myself in the evenings and at night so I can stop thinking about my problems and stop stressing and maybe go to sleep or have a good time just talking to my friends. It helps a great deal, especially when I am out of Welbutrin. But, when the morning comes I can't deny my problems or hide from them anymore. I have to face them for another full day until I can settle in later that night and sedate myself. This doesn't make me very productive. I want to get somewhere in life and I'm more effective when my sedation is only seldom and not everyday. When I woke up in the gravel terrified in the midst of the worst mental and emotional torment I've ever experienced I realized my problems had caught up to me and I had let things go too far. I wasn't dabbling anymore. I had a four year old son who needed me and I was unconscious on the ground in a strange place with people I didn't know due to a mild and harmless (yet nonetheless terrifying) drug overdose. Something had to give. I always say that people have to reach their own version of the "bottom" the "pit" before they will change. The pit was in sight and I realized I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to live in an altered state of mind anymore. I wanted reality and I wanted to succeed and I wanted to be a good mother.
And so I have drank twice in the last 3 weeks. A total of 4 beers. Not bad for me. I actually managed to go a whole week without drinking and that's the longest I've been in a while. Sad to say, but hey, I don't have to lie here. The smoking of cannabis I have been doing almost as much as before, but not everyday and I haven't bought any as my money is better spent on more important things. I am also trying to quit cigarettes. The cigarettes may not be as easy to quit as the weed and the alcohol. Once I get myself under control again I will sedate myself (mildly drink or smoke) 2 or 3 times a month. And after that, hey I might decide to make it even less. Baby steps. I am already making progress and I am proud of myself for that. I will undoubtedly lose some people along the way. The people who are so far into it or just not ready to give it up. That's ok. We all have our reasons for the choices we make, I certainly cannot criticize.
And now I have to vent some more. I have so many things on my mind that it would be a great help to me if I could just sort through them for a moment.
My grandmother has turned a cold heart to me. She looks down on me now, for reasons I am not sure of. She used to be my most trusted ally and confidant, now she is old and perhaps going senile and she may allow me to have the house (my home) that she gave me, ripped out from under me by the IRS. She doesn't want my mother to help me with anything, especially money. She doesn't like or worse, love, my son. This is all painful to me but I"m trying to convince myself it is due to her old age. She is 70.
My father is never there when I need him nor will he ever be. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me. Nay, most of the time I am pretty sure he does not love me and any love he does show me is out of guilt to clear his own conscience. I think this is b/c I was raised by my mother and I remind him of her. I have realized over time that I will always be the black sheep on that side of my family, and that no achievement on my part will earn his love. Maybe his respect, but not his love.
My mother helps me all the time with whatever she can whenever she can. I feel guilty for this b/c I am 23 years old with a house and a child of my own and I can't take care of myself.
My best friend, or pseudo-best friend. I question the sincerity of her friendship to me. I often think, more and more as time goes by, that she doesn't really like me or love me but that she just uses me. It becomes apparent all the time that she doesn't like me. She rarely agrees with anything I say or do. When I tell her something she doesn't want to hear she gets pissed at me. She gets pissed at me alot. In fact I downright get on her nerves frequently. I overheard her telling someone (in tears, during our bad mushroom trip) that she hates me. she said and I quote "I love her but I hate her. But I need her b/c I don't have anybody and she's a good person". I already suspected that, from the beginning actually. She has a slightly co-dependent personality. She is bipolar. She has also exhibited what I believe to be some characteristics of sociopathy. Not to say that she is a sociopath, but that she may have some characteristics of a sociopath. This could be due to the fact that she lived somewhere between 18 and 20some odd places before she turned 18. Very developmental years. But I don't know, I'm not a psychiatrist. All I know is I don't really trust her much anymore and she gets pissed at me more and more frequently and this is causing me emotional and mental pain as well b/c my friendship to her was never on the basis of an alterior motive. And also, right now, she is the closest person to me. I loved her and trusted her and relied on her as a friend and a confidant. We were a team. And now, it's becoming more and more evident to me that we were not a team, and that perhaps I once again got mixed up with someone I should not have. I frequently do that. I let people into my life and begin over time to love and trust them and then I learn something like this, or like with Rob (my ex husband) and my ex best friend (his girlfriend), or like with the last guy I dated and...and it always comes out in the wash that people were not actually who they were presenting themselves to be. I am a very poor judge of character. This makes me think that the only way to be safe is to be alone. People see that my greatest weakness is my compassion and they immediately move to either exploit it or avoid it. It's very hard to see through people sometimes. I'm doing a better job of it. However, it is still difficult to discern the true sincerity from the alterior motives sometimes. Especially when you are lonely and in desperate need of someone that you can rely on for real. Someone that won't leave that loves you for who you are and not what you are willing to do for them. Even just a friend.
I need parts for my car. I don't have the money and my brakes are going to go out on me soon if I don't fix them.
I need to pay off my utilities. I'm tired of paying one shut-off notice at a time.
I need more hours at work. This two shifts a week isn't going to cut it. But right now they have so many people we have to squabble over shifts.
I need to get car insurance and get this ticket taken care of. Otherwise, I will be paying for insurance and a ticket and I can't honestly afford either.
My oil and radiator fluid needs changed. I don't k now how, and I don't have the money to pay someone.
The friend from work, who is also an electrician, who was supposed to run my wires in my house for me (b/c they are a fire hazard right now) can't do it b/c he doesn't have time. I don't have the money to pay an electrician. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just hope someone is compassionate enough to help me.
I have no living room right now. I'm remodeling it. But I can't finish it until the wires are ran.
My stomach hurts alot everyday. It never works right. Nothing on this goddamn body ever works right.
I'm out of my meds (welbutrin). I don't have health insurance. I don't qualify for medicaid b/c I choose to work for a living rather than draw welfare. Lovely system of public assistance we have. Right now I can't even get food stamps b/c they say I make too much. I really don't see how that's possible b/c I only work part time and I made less than 200 dollars last week. So you tell me how the fuck it's possible I don't qualify.
I just want to provide a safe and clean home for my son. No matter how much I work or how hard I study or how hard I try, I can't seem to do that.
I'm still hung up on the last guy I dated. We work together. I know why I am hung up on him now I just have to work through it on my own. I've been trying for almost 4 months now. It's not working very well. This annoys me b/c I know he isn't worth it. He is a good person, but he has done nothing for me or even been a good friend to me so...frankly everything he has done and said to me has been out of guilt and sympathy. This annoys me and it is unwelcome and I really need to get the fuck over him and regain my dignity. He doesn't know how I feel about him though, thank God.
I feel very lonely and very overwhelmed and scared and sad and....why am I even trying to explain myself.
one more thing: there are locusts. They have taken to a tree in my yard and they never shut up and I've even found a few in my house. What's next God? Perhaps you'd like to deposit boils on my skin? Your tests of faith are overdone and overrated. Let me rest for a while and move on to someone else. Please? Thank you. :)
I'm going to go try and get ahold of myself and go into work early and pick up a few extra hours. You all have a good day and thanks for listening. :)
So I had a bad mushroom trip on my birthday. I've tripped mushrooms many times before, always a good experience. Never hallucinated or got upset or had a 'bad trip'. Always just felt very warm and fuzzy and happy and nostalgic and everything looked the same but prettier. Not so the last time. The last time I overdosed and thought I was dying (which I wasn't). It was barnun (sp?) one of the worst experiences of my life. Right up there with my husband leaving me and being molested as a child. Same category. Anyway. To make a long story short, after that I resolved to quit drugs (all drugs) for a while. The only thing I was doing on a regular basis was drinking and smoking cannabis. However, during my trip I thought about my life over the past 2 or 3 years and realized that I've been sedating myself everyday for a very long time. People who are happy and just want something to play with get 'high'. I don't get 'high'. I get sedated. I use alcohol and cannabis to sedate myself in the evenings and at night so I can stop thinking about my problems and stop stressing and maybe go to sleep or have a good time just talking to my friends. It helps a great deal, especially when I am out of Welbutrin. But, when the morning comes I can't deny my problems or hide from them anymore. I have to face them for another full day until I can settle in later that night and sedate myself. This doesn't make me very productive. I want to get somewhere in life and I'm more effective when my sedation is only seldom and not everyday. When I woke up in the gravel terrified in the midst of the worst mental and emotional torment I've ever experienced I realized my problems had caught up to me and I had let things go too far. I wasn't dabbling anymore. I had a four year old son who needed me and I was unconscious on the ground in a strange place with people I didn't know due to a mild and harmless (yet nonetheless terrifying) drug overdose. Something had to give. I always say that people have to reach their own version of the "bottom" the "pit" before they will change. The pit was in sight and I realized I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to live in an altered state of mind anymore. I wanted reality and I wanted to succeed and I wanted to be a good mother.
And so I have drank twice in the last 3 weeks. A total of 4 beers. Not bad for me. I actually managed to go a whole week without drinking and that's the longest I've been in a while. Sad to say, but hey, I don't have to lie here. The smoking of cannabis I have been doing almost as much as before, but not everyday and I haven't bought any as my money is better spent on more important things. I am also trying to quit cigarettes. The cigarettes may not be as easy to quit as the weed and the alcohol. Once I get myself under control again I will sedate myself (mildly drink or smoke) 2 or 3 times a month. And after that, hey I might decide to make it even less. Baby steps. I am already making progress and I am proud of myself for that. I will undoubtedly lose some people along the way. The people who are so far into it or just not ready to give it up. That's ok. We all have our reasons for the choices we make, I certainly cannot criticize.
And now I have to vent some more. I have so many things on my mind that it would be a great help to me if I could just sort through them for a moment.
My grandmother has turned a cold heart to me. She looks down on me now, for reasons I am not sure of. She used to be my most trusted ally and confidant, now she is old and perhaps going senile and she may allow me to have the house (my home) that she gave me, ripped out from under me by the IRS. She doesn't want my mother to help me with anything, especially money. She doesn't like or worse, love, my son. This is all painful to me but I"m trying to convince myself it is due to her old age. She is 70.
My father is never there when I need him nor will he ever be. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me. Nay, most of the time I am pretty sure he does not love me and any love he does show me is out of guilt to clear his own conscience. I think this is b/c I was raised by my mother and I remind him of her. I have realized over time that I will always be the black sheep on that side of my family, and that no achievement on my part will earn his love. Maybe his respect, but not his love.
My mother helps me all the time with whatever she can whenever she can. I feel guilty for this b/c I am 23 years old with a house and a child of my own and I can't take care of myself.
My best friend, or pseudo-best friend. I question the sincerity of her friendship to me. I often think, more and more as time goes by, that she doesn't really like me or love me but that she just uses me. It becomes apparent all the time that she doesn't like me. She rarely agrees with anything I say or do. When I tell her something she doesn't want to hear she gets pissed at me. She gets pissed at me alot. In fact I downright get on her nerves frequently. I overheard her telling someone (in tears, during our bad mushroom trip) that she hates me. she said and I quote "I love her but I hate her. But I need her b/c I don't have anybody and she's a good person". I already suspected that, from the beginning actually. She has a slightly co-dependent personality. She is bipolar. She has also exhibited what I believe to be some characteristics of sociopathy. Not to say that she is a sociopath, but that she may have some characteristics of a sociopath. This could be due to the fact that she lived somewhere between 18 and 20some odd places before she turned 18. Very developmental years. But I don't know, I'm not a psychiatrist. All I know is I don't really trust her much anymore and she gets pissed at me more and more frequently and this is causing me emotional and mental pain as well b/c my friendship to her was never on the basis of an alterior motive. And also, right now, she is the closest person to me. I loved her and trusted her and relied on her as a friend and a confidant. We were a team. And now, it's becoming more and more evident to me that we were not a team, and that perhaps I once again got mixed up with someone I should not have. I frequently do that. I let people into my life and begin over time to love and trust them and then I learn something like this, or like with Rob (my ex husband) and my ex best friend (his girlfriend), or like with the last guy I dated and...and it always comes out in the wash that people were not actually who they were presenting themselves to be. I am a very poor judge of character. This makes me think that the only way to be safe is to be alone. People see that my greatest weakness is my compassion and they immediately move to either exploit it or avoid it. It's very hard to see through people sometimes. I'm doing a better job of it. However, it is still difficult to discern the true sincerity from the alterior motives sometimes. Especially when you are lonely and in desperate need of someone that you can rely on for real. Someone that won't leave that loves you for who you are and not what you are willing to do for them. Even just a friend.
I need parts for my car. I don't have the money and my brakes are going to go out on me soon if I don't fix them.
I need to pay off my utilities. I'm tired of paying one shut-off notice at a time.
I need more hours at work. This two shifts a week isn't going to cut it. But right now they have so many people we have to squabble over shifts.
I need to get car insurance and get this ticket taken care of. Otherwise, I will be paying for insurance and a ticket and I can't honestly afford either.
My oil and radiator fluid needs changed. I don't k now how, and I don't have the money to pay someone.
The friend from work, who is also an electrician, who was supposed to run my wires in my house for me (b/c they are a fire hazard right now) can't do it b/c he doesn't have time. I don't have the money to pay an electrician. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just hope someone is compassionate enough to help me.
I have no living room right now. I'm remodeling it. But I can't finish it until the wires are ran.
My stomach hurts alot everyday. It never works right. Nothing on this goddamn body ever works right.
I'm out of my meds (welbutrin). I don't have health insurance. I don't qualify for medicaid b/c I choose to work for a living rather than draw welfare. Lovely system of public assistance we have. Right now I can't even get food stamps b/c they say I make too much. I really don't see how that's possible b/c I only work part time and I made less than 200 dollars last week. So you tell me how the fuck it's possible I don't qualify.
I just want to provide a safe and clean home for my son. No matter how much I work or how hard I study or how hard I try, I can't seem to do that.
I'm still hung up on the last guy I dated. We work together. I know why I am hung up on him now I just have to work through it on my own. I've been trying for almost 4 months now. It's not working very well. This annoys me b/c I know he isn't worth it. He is a good person, but he has done nothing for me or even been a good friend to me so...frankly everything he has done and said to me has been out of guilt and sympathy. This annoys me and it is unwelcome and I really need to get the fuck over him and regain my dignity. He doesn't know how I feel about him though, thank God.
I feel very lonely and very overwhelmed and scared and sad and....why am I even trying to explain myself.
one more thing: there are locusts. They have taken to a tree in my yard and they never shut up and I've even found a few in my house. What's next God? Perhaps you'd like to deposit boils on my skin? Your tests of faith are overdone and overrated. Let me rest for a while and move on to someone else. Please? Thank you. :)
I'm going to go try and get ahold of myself and go into work early and pick up a few extra hours. You all have a good day and thanks for listening. :)