Life or something like it
Never in a billion years would I have ever thought this would be my life. I expected to go to college, become a teacher or something, not have kids, and be healthy forever. Instead I never went to college, have no career, 4 kids,(which is the part id never take back) and I am living with cancer. My life is nothing like I thought it would be at all. But its MINE. I make the best out of what we have and try to keep positive even when all I really want to do is hide in a cave and cry until everything is all better. It makes me wonder if I asked for all of this and now its being given to me just like I said I wanted. There have been so many times I have wished and prayed for an end to suffering, depression, pain, life...maybe god is granting my prayers and wishes for death, with cancer. As a teen and early early twenties I would say all the time, I wish I were just dead...maybe i'm just getting exactly what I asked for...maybe I brought this on myself with all the negative energy I allow to live inside me. Now if I only knew how to take it all back. To wish and pray for a better tomorow, instead of no tomorrow. To un-say all the horrible things I've said, and undo the horrible things I've done in my life. The selfishness, the anger, the hatred...all for what? To me it all seems pointless now. Why hate what you cant change, or doesnt effect you? Why be angry over problems you cant make better? So I have been making an effort to be more positive and have been trying very hard to FEEL positive. To KNOW I can or will, not just to THINK it. So far this has proven even more difficult than ANYTHING I've been through, chemo, surgery, and childbirth included. I feel so alone all time. Ruben, Ruben really is the BEST person,(not to mention husband, father, and friend) anyone could hope for. He has spent EVERY SINGLE NIGHT here with me in the hospital. He feeds me at all hours, will make me french toast at 2 am when we dont have bread and he has to get dressed, go to the store and buy some, at 2am mind you, in the freezing snow, come home, cook for me, even,though HE has work at 6am, not a complaint!! Only for me to yack it all up and it was all for not. But does he complain?? No, he makes me a bowl of cereal and helps me take my pills so I can go back to sleep. He rubs my back until the pain and yucky go away. This is normal everyday life for him now and it hurts me so bad. I want to be the wife and mother I was before. I feel I have failed them all. Grandma now does most of my mommy stuff, like getting them up and ready for school, breakfast, shower, bus stop. I sleep through all that now cause I feel sickest in the mornings, and dont always sleep good at night. My husband is a poor wreck, working, taking care of me, the kids, the house...everything. And we havent been intimate in months...ALL ME, NOT HIM. I dont feel pretty, or sexy, or desirable, EVER. I just want to hide my shame, even from the one person in this world who loves me most. He still says I am beautiful, but I dont feel or see it. I cry when I see me. I have no hair, eyebrows, lashes, body hair...i am like powder. I hate wearing a wig. I have no sex drive because of all this and the medicines. So I know Ruben has been having to deal with more than his fair share, and more frustration than he can deal with. I feel like a bad wife, but I dont know what else to do!! There is also a big scare factor for me, we have been told several times that if I get pregnant again, it could all start all over again. So until I have my tubes tied, it freaks me out. Im on depo, but I still get my period, which I shouldnt, (not only should depo take my period away for at least the first 9 months of use, I only weigh 85lb., medically, they dont understand WHY my period still comes like clockwork) so I dont trust the birthcontrol, or condoms, and I dont want to go through all of this again, only worse. *sigh* All my real support is in Cali. and I am stuck here in reno. I want to go home. I want to be HOME. THIS is NOT home...Please take me home!!! *cries*