(no subject)
well here i am again..alot has happend since last nite at work....while i was waitin forver and a day for my dad to pick me up i was stnadin there just thinkin, ive been doin that like every sec i get that im not doin somethin..thats prob why i seem so out of it lately...but i guess im just searchin for somethin, dont know what it is..maybe a reason for my past, or some idea whats gunna happen soon..i dont know, but umm he gets there and as im drvin out of the parkin lot i see this really hot car..a lancer..and im thinkin maybe i should get that, i sware that car is hot,,but i love my car tho..oo dilemmas dilemma lol...but i get home shower and i change really quick and head out to a party in fairfield...it was awesome, lol but for some reason i didnt enjoy it as much as i wouldve before..man depression sucks..see some people from elementry school , the two years that i went there...sat and talked to people and danced a lil, didnt really that much cuz i wasnt in the mood i guess, lol and no i didnt drink either, oo and one of the girls there was really hot...a real hot goth chick..didnt know there was such a thing lol, i think her name was michelle, danced wit her the few times i did at all, now that i think bout it, i should find out her info so i can get a copy of that pic we took on her phone..so umm some of us did that stupid spin the bottle crap..lol how juvenile..that game is for lil kids that want to kiss someone and are to afraid to say it lol...ehh but anyways i had an ok time there,,i go over rods house for a bit, and i basically sneak in around 7..then i start getin ready for church, cuz i had to leave much earlier cuz i had to go to my cousin's baptism at 9..so i went there and it was nice..then off to church, so i get there and i get the infamous 'Bishop wants to see u in his office'..so i slide on downstairs and after like 5 mins i come out shocked to find out that im in charge of the prayer wednesday nite..oo lucky me...so the service was ok but while that 'time' i was talkin bout in an earlier entry..and for some i friggn broke..i guess u can only feel empty for so long before it really gets to u..i just sat there and i asked the Lord for some help wit everythin cuz im not makin it all thru this...actually i cant, so i told Him that im tired of bein depressed, im tired of life turnin up as mess, im tired of the stupid problems wit my dad, im tired of the past experiences that seem to rule my life, im tired of everythin..i just need Him to get me to the place that i was actually happy..that one day that i was at the retreat up in ..actually i forget the name but it was conn's boomdocks lol...but i remember one of the days i was there i was totally happy and liberated from everythin..and i just asked Him to get me to that state of bein i was on that day..actually, if life isnt at least ok..whats the point of livin it,,there isnt,,,so why not just end it all?