wb

[smoothluclovin]

Oh my God, he's alive! Hello, everyone. It's been some time but i have returned for, at least, one more post. Who knows, maybe i'll rekindle my love affair with lj, after this! It's been a wild year, since my birthday. I ended up getting back together with Hannah, shortly after my birthday, which is what most of this post will encompass. Not the relationship, itself, but more the relevations i gained from it. Some other things of note: Ryan (my bestfriend) moved out with his girlfriend, Megan. It was kind of a dirty split between the two of us. He wanted me to come with him but the prospect of living with Megan was too bleak, in my eyes. Diddy stayed with me. Him and Megan have never really seen eye to eye, either. I felt betrayed, in all honesty. He's practically been my brother for the past few years. It cut me deeply and i didn't really come to terms with it, until recently. We still hang out a lot. I know he misses me, too. (we had a drunken heart-to-heart a couple of weeks ago) Second on the agenda... One of my oldest friends checked himself into a psych ward for a month, this summer. He's been my rock for the past 10 years, so it sent me into a world of distress to see him locked up. Not to mention, of all my friends, he was the one i would have least suspected to breakdown. He's the kind of guy every mother wants their son to be and every father wants their daughter to date. A real class act. I guess that was probably my first conception of mortality. I visited him a couple of times, every week, until he got out. Seeing him all broken like that was such a jolt. It was like.... [i]if it can happen to him, it can happen to anyone[i/]... and i realized how right i was, later. He's doing fine, now, though. He's a bit withdrawn but he's on his feet and still progressing, like the soldier he is. Next... my pops died. I know, you'd think that was the worst but it actually isn't. I never really knew him. I haven't even seen him since i was 2 years old. I talked to him on the phone every couple of years up until i was 18, and not once, since. I resented him... maybe even hated him a bit. So i was quite surprised to feel tears running down my face when i got the news. Not tears of sadness over his death... but tears of sadness for myself. Throughout my life i always dreamed that one day i would show him the man i had become and that he would regret having no part in my success. I guess it never occurred to me that he might pass before i had that opportunity. Another brush with mortality, i guess. But still oblivious. Last of all... Hannah. I never should have gotten back with her, i know. I tried to just go in casually but ended up neck deep. Pretty soon we were dating again, in everything but name. In retrospect, the whole thing was wrong. As much chemistry as we had and as much as i loved being with her, it was so wrong. You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know something bad is going to happen? Like when you didn't study for an exam and you're sitting in the desk, skimming through the questions, and nothing looks familiar? I had that feeling every moment she wasn't physically with me. Because i knew deep down, that she would run again. I guess i just believed i could help her mature to the point that she would be ready to contribute to our relationship in a mature, sensible fashion. I guess i believed that if i put everything i had into anything, anything at all, that i would succeed. I was utterly convinced that i was INVINCIBLE when i put my heart and soul into ANYTHING. I was wrong. Zing. Mortality 3, Luc 0. It wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. It didn't matter how hard i tried. I didn't have the power to make it work. I've spent the last month since we broke up trying various futile ideas to accelerate the healing process. I've tried adopting different attitudes or methods of thought to cleanse myself of who i formerly was. I've tried being angry, being sad, being happy, being downright nasty and none of it worked. Now i sit here, serene, finally able to grasp the real lesson in all of this. She didn't want me. That doesn't make me any less of a person. Give yourself as much credit as you like.... you can't make a bowling ball fit into a putting hole. Neither can i. Moreover, it's pointless to believe anything can mend a broken heart but time. I still love her. I can't rationalize it or justify it or even put words to it. As weak, selfish, and pathetic as my mind percieves her to be, i can't make my heart follow suit. It's a sad reality but that's what it is. Reality. On a more positive note, i just started my second year of Computer Engineering and in the first year...


I made the Dean's List! =)

And just because it's been awhile


A somewhat recent photo.

Anyways, for those with the patience to read all of that, thank you for your time <3

P.s. Hannah was jealous of Mer for awhile because she thought i was shagging her. She found all my diss raps and hate songs to Mer and thought she was a former lover or some ish. I thought it was kinda funny, at the time.