oh my, has it really been this long?~!
Hello friends, welcome back to the fucked up and undeniably exciting life i lead. There have been many lows...but equal highs so i guess i shouldn't complain.
I have been with Marcia for over a year now and things keep getting better, im in the process of finding a new crib (or, finagling a way to buy my grandmothers crib...yes, i am still working on that), the Nintendo Wii just might be one of my favorite systems ever, my family has realized that they MUST solve problems without my input, and...oh fuck it, it's been crazy as hell. I honestly think people don't get how my life changes from day to day. It's almost sickening.
All my friends say i neglect them, old friends...new friends...and people that aren't friends but realize that im great to be around, have all expressed their dislike in how i've pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth. Well, i don't know what to tell you except, try to live one day in my shoes and hopefully it'll all become clearer. Oh wait, you CAN'T live in my shoes cause there is no way on earth that stuff happens to people MORE than it happens to me, or could it? You know, sometimes i like to believe that once we go thru something we learn how to overcome whatever it is and keep it in our mental bank for safe keeping...almost how our immune system works where you get sick, the body remembers what antibodies to assign to the particular pathogen and then gets rid of it then and for times to come. But what if every situation that ever happens to you is a new experience? Can i not apply all the other things i've learned to a new situation??...kinda, but not really. I am a firm believer that, we as people, go thru similar walks of life but because we're all individuals...it's always our own personal spin to the heirarchy of issues. This interests me to no end.
does anyone else think of this sorta stuff? Think about it, whenever we have issues or a problem, we always think that there's nobody out there that understands what we're going thru, but that in itself is false. Everyone is hurt when they break up from a long relationship, for example, but why? You'd think that everyone knows someone who has broken up from a long relationship and realizes how potentially harmful it can be to ourselves mentally, physically or however else it hurts and can prepare themselves to not have their mind shocked. But why? Wouldn't you think that at some point, evolution (for my non-religious folks) would program into the human species a way to block these kinds of feelings seeing that EVERYONE has them? Is it because we are all indeed individuals and are affected differently by different situations?? I doubt it...highly doubt it. I doubt it because it's all cyclical. In my humble opinion of course. Does youth contribute to how one deals with an issue? Maybe. A 50 year old person has more life experience than a 20 year old, and therefore might handle situations differently...but where does it differentiate? Does it matter on what situations people go through each and everyday? I don't know...i can only speak for myself, but this sorta thought process gets me everyday.
For example, I ride the subway everyday to work and everyday without fail, there's proof that human's live in a giant bubble thinking of nothing but themselves. So check it out, when i ride, i alway stand up because i know for a fact that someone with greater need is going to need the seat. So i move to the center of the aisle to where the seats face opposite from each other and i stand there because people can either stand in front of me, or behind me. EVERYDAY someone comes to where i'm standing when there are many seats available, asks me to move to only stand on the other side of me. Now, to a normal person, im sure they won't be able to see my beef with this, but to a morbid, sick and unstable person...this would piss them off. Why? Because I am standing in the middle of the train in my own personal space, who are YOU to come up, interrupt my well being to walk past me (on a crowded train no less) and then have the audacity to stand on the other side!!? Like, you couldn't just fuckin stand in front of me, or enter in the other door to where you're behind me?? This drives me mad, and it's only a small example of the shit i think about and go through on a daily basis. Is it because I live in America, the place where we think if it doesn't affect us, then fuck it? I don't know, cause i've never been on a subway outside of the U.S. but a part of me wants to believe that it's only American culture that does inconsiderate shit like this. Even further, am I the crazy one?! Maybe, i wouldn't doubt it...seriously. Could i just be that arrogant or egotistical that i believe people should want to be like me?! Yea, that's prolly it. Imma write a self-help book one day, and it'll be on the NY Times bestseller list. I see a bunch of bullshit all the time on that list, so i believe that i can make it!
I guess my point is, people really need to look inside of themselves and truly reassess the bullshit that they put other people thru. Directly or indirectly. Is it too much to put your bag on the floor, so on a crowded train more people can fit and not be getting stabbed by your fucking bag buckle? Like, i think of shit like this...why, i don't know...but it just fuckin kills me that people don't have this ability. And not just on subways mind you, ANY situation where people are involved...i'll guarantee that one of the parties involved is 100% right and one is 100% wrong. Does that count as a learning experience? Or does that count as a check mark in the, "wow, people can be such assholes, so instead of me doing different i'll just follow suit" column. Again...im starting to lean towards the egotistical side of me.
Is it how i was raised? To put others before myself which will in the end benefit me? Now that i think about it, that way of thinking is skewed like a mug. So people shit on me forever right, and when i die...i get rewarded. Hmm, ok, so what about all the shit i missed out on because i was being shit on? Yes God, please...answer that one for me. Or what about the lady that has served people all of her life and has been a great person, gets hit by a drunk driver and her family can't even pay her bills because the person who hit her didn't have insurance so the case gets postponed, or even thrown out? On a sidenote, i truly believe that the judicial system here in america is set up for the criminal and not the VICTIM. REAL TALK. I might delve into that one later. But shit like that just baffles me to no end!
All this ties together at some point. I believe more cooperation amongst people in a good light can make this world a better place. Today i saw a remnance of the good that people exude when a blind guy was taken by the arm by a complete stranger and guided up the escalator. That made me smile cause i was thinking of doing the same thing but the lady beat me to it...not that it's a competition to do the right thing, but it just showed me that there are people who TRULY think outside of the box. What shocked me even more, is that the blind guy didn't object at all...as a matter of fact, he thanked the lady. I can't say that for other handicapped...god i hate sayin that word...folks, cause they all have some sort of pride issue, but this particular situation gave me some sort of hope. Hahaha...Hope, yet another word put into language that gives people a false sense of reality. I try not to use that in my everyday vocabulary, but i guess in this situation it fits.
Pessimism is the underlying demon of this post, but i can't help it...i guess it all comes out once i start to thinking and writing. I used to hate being pessimistic, but the more i learn myself the more i've learned to grasp it and turn it into optimism. Like, im sure all of this shit is just ramble to the lot who reads this...but that's good. At least you're reading, and even if it opens up a whole new way to look at me or think about me, it can be a learning experience. I feel that everyday you wake up, it'll turn into a learning experience. One day, take your mind off of yourself, hard to do as an American, and just see things as they are. No judgements, no thoughts, no nothing...that's where i'd suggest start. If a flower is yellow...that's it. It's yellow. Don't overflow your mind with useless details at first, like what species the flower is, just take it and absorb it. I can almost guarantee that that sorta thinking will lead to other thinking and make things easier to understand. And if i'm wrong, then i have fulfilled my goal anyways...cause you learned something.
I just hope that i have spurred some sort of thought either way so that you can indeed become a better person. Not saying that im the guru of all things happy and how to go about it, but people always tell me that im one of the happiest people they know...which i find peculiar because i go thru all the same shit as everyone else. If it doesn't make them happy, how do i still keep it on the straight and narrow? That might require another look into my psyche and analysis of things i've learned compared to things i haven't. Or, i could just be one hell of an actor.
But take it from me, the grass isn't greener on the other side, they just have the means to take care of it. Rich people, poor people, black, white, male and female all go thru similar situations. Like my man tricky says, it's how we deal with it that defines us as a person.
Ok, damn...that shit is kinda long. If you read through the whole thing, i'll give you a pack of sweetarts!
I have been with Marcia for over a year now and things keep getting better, im in the process of finding a new crib (or, finagling a way to buy my grandmothers crib...yes, i am still working on that), the Nintendo Wii just might be one of my favorite systems ever, my family has realized that they MUST solve problems without my input, and...oh fuck it, it's been crazy as hell. I honestly think people don't get how my life changes from day to day. It's almost sickening.
All my friends say i neglect them, old friends...new friends...and people that aren't friends but realize that im great to be around, have all expressed their dislike in how i've pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth. Well, i don't know what to tell you except, try to live one day in my shoes and hopefully it'll all become clearer. Oh wait, you CAN'T live in my shoes cause there is no way on earth that stuff happens to people MORE than it happens to me, or could it? You know, sometimes i like to believe that once we go thru something we learn how to overcome whatever it is and keep it in our mental bank for safe keeping...almost how our immune system works where you get sick, the body remembers what antibodies to assign to the particular pathogen and then gets rid of it then and for times to come. But what if every situation that ever happens to you is a new experience? Can i not apply all the other things i've learned to a new situation??...kinda, but not really. I am a firm believer that, we as people, go thru similar walks of life but because we're all individuals...it's always our own personal spin to the heirarchy of issues. This interests me to no end.
does anyone else think of this sorta stuff? Think about it, whenever we have issues or a problem, we always think that there's nobody out there that understands what we're going thru, but that in itself is false. Everyone is hurt when they break up from a long relationship, for example, but why? You'd think that everyone knows someone who has broken up from a long relationship and realizes how potentially harmful it can be to ourselves mentally, physically or however else it hurts and can prepare themselves to not have their mind shocked. But why? Wouldn't you think that at some point, evolution (for my non-religious folks) would program into the human species a way to block these kinds of feelings seeing that EVERYONE has them? Is it because we are all indeed individuals and are affected differently by different situations?? I doubt it...highly doubt it. I doubt it because it's all cyclical. In my humble opinion of course. Does youth contribute to how one deals with an issue? Maybe. A 50 year old person has more life experience than a 20 year old, and therefore might handle situations differently...but where does it differentiate? Does it matter on what situations people go through each and everyday? I don't know...i can only speak for myself, but this sorta thought process gets me everyday.
For example, I ride the subway everyday to work and everyday without fail, there's proof that human's live in a giant bubble thinking of nothing but themselves. So check it out, when i ride, i alway stand up because i know for a fact that someone with greater need is going to need the seat. So i move to the center of the aisle to where the seats face opposite from each other and i stand there because people can either stand in front of me, or behind me. EVERYDAY someone comes to where i'm standing when there are many seats available, asks me to move to only stand on the other side of me. Now, to a normal person, im sure they won't be able to see my beef with this, but to a morbid, sick and unstable person...this would piss them off. Why? Because I am standing in the middle of the train in my own personal space, who are YOU to come up, interrupt my well being to walk past me (on a crowded train no less) and then have the audacity to stand on the other side!!? Like, you couldn't just fuckin stand in front of me, or enter in the other door to where you're behind me?? This drives me mad, and it's only a small example of the shit i think about and go through on a daily basis. Is it because I live in America, the place where we think if it doesn't affect us, then fuck it? I don't know, cause i've never been on a subway outside of the U.S. but a part of me wants to believe that it's only American culture that does inconsiderate shit like this. Even further, am I the crazy one?! Maybe, i wouldn't doubt it...seriously. Could i just be that arrogant or egotistical that i believe people should want to be like me?! Yea, that's prolly it. Imma write a self-help book one day, and it'll be on the NY Times bestseller list. I see a bunch of bullshit all the time on that list, so i believe that i can make it!
I guess my point is, people really need to look inside of themselves and truly reassess the bullshit that they put other people thru. Directly or indirectly. Is it too much to put your bag on the floor, so on a crowded train more people can fit and not be getting stabbed by your fucking bag buckle? Like, i think of shit like this...why, i don't know...but it just fuckin kills me that people don't have this ability. And not just on subways mind you, ANY situation where people are involved...i'll guarantee that one of the parties involved is 100% right and one is 100% wrong. Does that count as a learning experience? Or does that count as a check mark in the, "wow, people can be such assholes, so instead of me doing different i'll just follow suit" column. Again...im starting to lean towards the egotistical side of me.
Is it how i was raised? To put others before myself which will in the end benefit me? Now that i think about it, that way of thinking is skewed like a mug. So people shit on me forever right, and when i die...i get rewarded. Hmm, ok, so what about all the shit i missed out on because i was being shit on? Yes God, please...answer that one for me. Or what about the lady that has served people all of her life and has been a great person, gets hit by a drunk driver and her family can't even pay her bills because the person who hit her didn't have insurance so the case gets postponed, or even thrown out? On a sidenote, i truly believe that the judicial system here in america is set up for the criminal and not the VICTIM. REAL TALK. I might delve into that one later. But shit like that just baffles me to no end!
All this ties together at some point. I believe more cooperation amongst people in a good light can make this world a better place. Today i saw a remnance of the good that people exude when a blind guy was taken by the arm by a complete stranger and guided up the escalator. That made me smile cause i was thinking of doing the same thing but the lady beat me to it...not that it's a competition to do the right thing, but it just showed me that there are people who TRULY think outside of the box. What shocked me even more, is that the blind guy didn't object at all...as a matter of fact, he thanked the lady. I can't say that for other handicapped...god i hate sayin that word...folks, cause they all have some sort of pride issue, but this particular situation gave me some sort of hope. Hahaha...Hope, yet another word put into language that gives people a false sense of reality. I try not to use that in my everyday vocabulary, but i guess in this situation it fits.
Pessimism is the underlying demon of this post, but i can't help it...i guess it all comes out once i start to thinking and writing. I used to hate being pessimistic, but the more i learn myself the more i've learned to grasp it and turn it into optimism. Like, im sure all of this shit is just ramble to the lot who reads this...but that's good. At least you're reading, and even if it opens up a whole new way to look at me or think about me, it can be a learning experience. I feel that everyday you wake up, it'll turn into a learning experience. One day, take your mind off of yourself, hard to do as an American, and just see things as they are. No judgements, no thoughts, no nothing...that's where i'd suggest start. If a flower is yellow...that's it. It's yellow. Don't overflow your mind with useless details at first, like what species the flower is, just take it and absorb it. I can almost guarantee that that sorta thinking will lead to other thinking and make things easier to understand. And if i'm wrong, then i have fulfilled my goal anyways...cause you learned something.
I just hope that i have spurred some sort of thought either way so that you can indeed become a better person. Not saying that im the guru of all things happy and how to go about it, but people always tell me that im one of the happiest people they know...which i find peculiar because i go thru all the same shit as everyone else. If it doesn't make them happy, how do i still keep it on the straight and narrow? That might require another look into my psyche and analysis of things i've learned compared to things i haven't. Or, i could just be one hell of an actor.
But take it from me, the grass isn't greener on the other side, they just have the means to take care of it. Rich people, poor people, black, white, male and female all go thru similar situations. Like my man tricky says, it's how we deal with it that defines us as a person.
Ok, damn...that shit is kinda long. If you read through the whole thing, i'll give you a pack of sweetarts!