Get busy living instead of get busy dyin'
For a really long time I've semi-consciously waited for the next really bad thing to happen. Either personally or on a global level. It just seemed to me that every time I started to gain some kind of footing in my life that something would come out of nowhere to smack me down either physically or emotionally. So I just stopped trying to do anything. I've just been languishing, kind of waiting to die, because I just felt so hopeless.
I know I have depression and PTSD but I am so non-functioning that it is truly mortifying to admit. I am still not capable of expressing to the world how truly fucked up my personal situation is...but I'm admitting it to myself and I think that's a good step. I'm crying as I write this and they are bitter, stinging tears. I don't feel like beating myself up anymore for my dysfunction. I know how messed up it is but if it was a person that I loved that wasn't me I would try to forgive them and be understanding so I'm going to try to extend that kindness to myself.
I realize that by acknowledging the problem I haven't actually fixed anything and If I start working on trying to live my life again I am likely to be shot down again in the future. I will be depressed again, I will be discouraged again. Bad things happen. Good things happen though too, and I've been missing out on a lot of them. I'm going to try to dip my toes back in the water again and have a swim. Hopefully the next time I'm feeling so much like giving up I'll remember this feeling of 'fuck it, I'm going to struggle to survive anyway'.
I know I have depression and PTSD but I am so non-functioning that it is truly mortifying to admit. I am still not capable of expressing to the world how truly fucked up my personal situation is...but I'm admitting it to myself and I think that's a good step. I'm crying as I write this and they are bitter, stinging tears. I don't feel like beating myself up anymore for my dysfunction. I know how messed up it is but if it was a person that I loved that wasn't me I would try to forgive them and be understanding so I'm going to try to extend that kindness to myself.
I realize that by acknowledging the problem I haven't actually fixed anything and If I start working on trying to live my life again I am likely to be shot down again in the future. I will be depressed again, I will be discouraged again. Bad things happen. Good things happen though too, and I've been missing out on a lot of them. I'm going to try to dip my toes back in the water again and have a swim. Hopefully the next time I'm feeling so much like giving up I'll remember this feeling of 'fuck it, I'm going to struggle to survive anyway'.