The good kind of holding on:
Today I shuffled through my archives and read all of the posts about my Great Grandma. As much as it still pulls at my heart strings to think about the rest of my life without her, it was nice to re-read what I had written. I'm glad that I at least kept up with my LiveJournal through my Grandmother's final months. I can now go back to that place I was in when I would lie in bed with her, read to her or feed her dinner. I can smile for the long list of warm memories that cling to me the way her smile always clutched my heart. And I couldn't be more grateful for the time she and I spent alone together before her passing. I have moved on from her death and no longer dwell on the pain of her absence.
In the last few weeks, my Great Grandma has appeared in two of my dreams. Each time I woke feeling so thankful for merely the sight of her face or the sound of her voice. It helps to fill the void in the air around our recent family gatherings. The thought that maybe we all have seen her in our dreams, and it's enough to unlock a smile at the arousal of her name. She invariably brought so much joy to my family.
My mother must have been thinking about her, too because a couple days ago she asked me if I ever wear my Great Grandma's engagement ring. My Grandmother gave it to me after my Great Grandma's funeral saying, "You should have this... YOU were with her." I do not even remove the ring from my jewelry box because the band has worn down so much from nearly seventy years of hugging my Great Grandmother's finger (If only that ring could talk...). I would be absolutely devastated if I ever lost or broke it. I do, however plan to wear my Great Grandma's engagement ring on my wedding day. I cannot imagine a better way to carry her with me through such a meaningful and intimate impasse of my life.
It is trying to absorb that she left us only about four months ago. Making the transition from seeing her every day to not at all makes it seem as though she parted years before. Regardless, missing her is missing her. The only difference is that I can miss her without paining her now; and that makes her memory all the greater.