Aunt Vagina, my uterus leaked all over my Henry Winkler video!!
Often I joke about how I grew up with a "Planned Parenthood Mom." My mother worked for Planned Parenthood for thirteen years. Somewhere in that thirteen years she planned and parented me; and then taught me everything she knew at a much too young age. As a result I, an eager sponge for new information and completely oblivious to appropriate times at which I could repeat that information, have some funny childhood stories to cherish for the rest of my life.
One of the many jobs my mother managed at Planned Parenthood was a children's class. She taught specific groups of children about their bodies, what was and was not appropriate touching, the good and bad names for their privates, etc. Before she taught her classes she used me as her guinea pig. The most famous of her experiments was a Henry Winkler video she had me preview, Strong Kids, Safe Kids. Some quotes you would hear in the video: "Penis! Is what boys have down in front. Penis! Is the word, and it seems blunt!" And then, "Vulva! Is what girls have down below. Vulva! When she's naked it will show." And let's not leave out, "our anus! Is a useful thing indeed. The anus, gives relief in times of need." I really should track this video down and get myself a copy. With song lyrics like that, how could I not?! So one of the songs in the video talks about your "private parts." What are they? Where are they? Who is allowed to touch and see them? I must have paid very close attention to this part because after the movie had ended my mother asked me, "Lindsey, did you know where your private parts are?" I nodded very knowingly and exclaimed, "Yes mommy, I do!" I was surely going to be rewarded for my answer because I knew where all of my special, private things were safely kept. "And where are they," she asked me enthusiastically. And with a big grin I shouted, "In my room!" I don't think I had quite grasped what my vulva was at that point and as far as I was concerned, any Joe Schmo could have it; but if you laid one finger on my My Little Ponies you'd have gotten your head chewed off! Many years later Henry Winkler spoke to a women's group in Houston and my mother stood up and relayed that story to him. He thought it was so hysterical that he signed a program for me, "Lindsey, party much and have a great life. Love, Henry Winkler." Come to think of it, I should have that framed.
Then there was this one day my mother picked me up from preschool (yes, preschool) and as we were driving home I began shrieking, "Mom! Mom! My uterus is leaking! MY UTERUS IS LEAAAAKIIIIIIINNNG!!!" My mother could not look at what was going on in the back seat as we were driving down the freeway, so she instantly began going through a mental checklist: "Did she wet her pants? She's in preschool, she can't be on her period. Did I leave something wet back there?" She had no clue as to what I was screaming about as my shrills continued, "Mom! It's all over the back seat! It's getting everywhere! My UTERUS. IS. LEA-KING!" My mother finally got to a place where she could pull off the road and turn around to find me exasperated and holding up my thermos. I had gotten the words confused. This is what happens when you teach your kids words like "uterus" when they're as young as in preschool and still developing a basic vocabulary.
Another word I loved to use in abundance as a child was, "vagina." I used "vagina" every chance I got (and that's why I'm gay). I was pretty good about using the word, "vagina" in correct context until I saw my Great Aunt Janice changing one time. As if I didn't already know, I pointed to her "special area" and innocently asked, "what's that??" My Aunt calmly replied, "That's my vagina, honey." I don't remember the exact thought process that shot through my brain at that moment but I'm sure it went something like this: "Vagina. Aunt Janice. Aunt Janice's vagina. 'Gina. Janice. 'Gina. Janice." And before the poor woman knew what hit her, I was calling her "Aunt Vagina" very loudly, in a room packed full of all of our family. Apparently I called her "Aunt Vagina" for quite some time after that; and instead of correcting me the family just laughed. Thank God I finally grew out of it!