i feel about you now.
Is it possible to know someone without really knowing them? As if there is some instantaneous connection pulling you together, like two strands of a cord wrapped up in a coil shade of gold. I’ve experienced this only once, in a different shade, and from a different place and time when my heart was floundering in uncertainty. This could easily be a drunken moment, the endorphins of a fit of dancing till my body urged with pain getting their kick on. It doesn’t feel that way though. Isn’t it all about feeling - everything, anything? The music is loud, drowning my ears, and since my body isn’t moving I’m in for a shocking moment of truth when the pain is more fierce than anything else - except her who sticks in my mind. I touch her face. I can’t remember if I’ve seen her all night, not that I’ve been paying attention to faces. They’ve all blurred together in the spiral of my body, and hair. Her skin is soft beneath my palm and I pull away as she looks up at me in surprise - satisfaction maybe. Later she tells me she couldn’t keep her eyes off me, as if they’d perched a spot on my flesh she couldn’t wipe clean. I tell her she looks like someone, some so special I’m not sure which one of them I want more the ghost from the past, or the flesh that is real and lingering in front of me. A smile so wide, and eyes so dark with anticipation I’m pulling out my card before my fingers can do anything else. She repeats her name over and over again. I laugh, telling her I’ll remember because I will.
She stays close in my mind, after it focuses on walking to the subway, down the steps and into a car. (I wait with Paula who reminds me all night of how precious my friendships are and how lucky I am to have women in my life who I love, and who love me. Even if a thousand strands of time pass between us our closeness and easiness never fades like riding a bike after years of not having one.) This woman is stuck, Jae. Jae. Jae. Jae. Maybe it is all about timing, luck - when you open yourself up to possibilities the universe throws you a bone. I worry the rest of the morning whether she’ll lose my card. I don’t believe in secrets or stalling. I give anyone interested my card, better they know I’m a gypsy and have a revolving life that spawns emotional outbreaks then for them to learn later. I am what I am. I don’t sleep as the sun comes up, and lay my eyes across the high ceiling and hear someone walking their dog outside talking, loudly. I am still worrying then. The anticipation is enough to entwine a thousand needles of caterpillars in my stomach that quickly merge to butterflies. She doesn’t wait long, on the train my phone lights up and there she is telling me I’ve got her curious, and the conversation runs into the next day. I take it back, we never know anyone our minds and hearts just wander over them in some recognition of mindfulness or soulfulness either one. She’s struck a cord, a tender openness in my heart that was awaiting the plucking so I guess that’s luck or heartbreak.
She stays close in my mind, after it focuses on walking to the subway, down the steps and into a car. (I wait with Paula who reminds me all night of how precious my friendships are and how lucky I am to have women in my life who I love, and who love me. Even if a thousand strands of time pass between us our closeness and easiness never fades like riding a bike after years of not having one.) This woman is stuck, Jae. Jae. Jae. Jae. Maybe it is all about timing, luck - when you open yourself up to possibilities the universe throws you a bone. I worry the rest of the morning whether she’ll lose my card. I don’t believe in secrets or stalling. I give anyone interested my card, better they know I’m a gypsy and have a revolving life that spawns emotional outbreaks then for them to learn later. I am what I am. I don’t sleep as the sun comes up, and lay my eyes across the high ceiling and hear someone walking their dog outside talking, loudly. I am still worrying then. The anticipation is enough to entwine a thousand needles of caterpillars in my stomach that quickly merge to butterflies. She doesn’t wait long, on the train my phone lights up and there she is telling me I’ve got her curious, and the conversation runs into the next day. I take it back, we never know anyone our minds and hearts just wander over them in some recognition of mindfulness or soulfulness either one. She’s struck a cord, a tender openness in my heart that was awaiting the plucking so I guess that’s luck or heartbreak.