VAG's 13 step guide to not being a chode
my run-down on how to lead your life, by popular demand...(see ..3&4 first to gauge whether you're going to be able to read this...)
1. when you have a very close bossom friend and she tells you that she will "make a fairy tale for you" at 7 a.m. believe that, because soon you will be giggling with thoughts of misfit elefantes that could never quite "make it in life" sipping chocolate milks at the soda shop with mealworms blessed with beautiful flowing long hair...love, you smell it? alexandrandradapoopie, projecting a touch? i hope not...
2. Little girls intent on screaming on the streets of williamsburg at your roomates about your computer a junkie probably stole, throwing accusations about...don't do that. this is a delicate integrity testing situation..the cops will tell you it's your roomate so that they don't have to look for a junkie with a laptop. your asshole boyfriend will tell you it is too because he is an alcoholic and beats you, so you should be aware of his alienation plots already...the only way to deal with this truly is oh i don't know, go, "my b", perhaps I should have locked the window in my room that leads to the fire escape in south williamsburg...locked my door, not left brand new 1200 $ laptop unnatended for two weeks and handle it instead of blaming everyone else because it is so fucking easy like justifying trying to screw one of your "best friends" out of 800 $, also stop refering to junkies as "the tooth fairy", because they're real and Meghan had to personally instruct me not to throw a rock in your face...just a thought.
3. When you see a crackhead on the st, do ask him how he fell into this predicament. when he responds "just curious bout it...got anymore champagne?" that's a sufficient answer and do spray more champagne into his mouth with your super soaker...
4. Smoke crack. Cook crack. Refer to it as a cookies when you do so, refer to your friends as world renowned chefs. Fervently talk about how much "realer" you are than everyone else and how no one can see to handle your realness. But the most important part is do smoke crack because crackheads get tired after they're high and they go to sleep, and no one wants to be that asshole who'se still up at 10 a.m. having a truthie conversation about your past love and how your parents were "so fucked up".
HA HA
5. Attempting to urinate on the floors of a hassidic jewish function halls will bring you cool friends that want to talk to you about punk rock, art-school, and sport yarmlukes...yes! If I ever plan on getting married I am going straight to Michael Han to host the event, what a doll!
6. Although skinny dipping in pools is top priority..always, especially when they are pristine freshly installed inground pools in the backyards of well to do pollack families in greenpoint, and you basically took the underground railroad to get there, understand that beer is and will always be more important. I just want you to think about that for a minute while you're naked in that pool, refusing to remove yourself. We've all been there, and I would hate to see YOU be the loser in this situation.
7. Any beer will do after 4 a.m.
8. Plastic designer bottle openers are not kazoos...i hate to burst your bubble Meghan but I felt like a dick keeping you in the dark this way...
9. Don't fucking buy those little ice-cubes in nice cute widdle shapes wike hearts, staws, and appoos...Seriously, go buy some maturity or get over irony..it's really cute when i cool my two day old 40 over your widdle kitschy ice-cube hearts. The only novelty ice-cubes I currently endorse are my penis pops becaues everyone likes to get t-bagged first thing in the morning, whilst sipping their first hung-over cup of icey water. It also takes me fucking forever to knife your little dot shaped ice-cubes out of the tray which 6 of constitutes one regular person ice-cube making me want to throw that many more rocks at your face Williamsburg girl, seriously, you're skating on thin ice here.
10. When your friend asks you if you'd go take a dip in the east river and this applies at any point, in any location, do agree even if you're hoping and basically dead set against it coming to fruition..because no one wants to be friends with a pussy, even if one day you'll be a pussy with aids and a syringe stuck to the sole of your foot because all you have is your word and be damned if you break it. I honestly screen every Cancer I let into my life, for this reason (yeah, the astrology sign), and I know they will take this personally so I'll give them a cooling period in which they can crawl back into their shells and marinate on how they're totally not pussies and i'm an asshole. Sowwy.
11. Indian man at the store tells you "you just want to be dangarus", put your ciggarette out on him, end of story. Also listen to Salmon Pate, "you can't go around talking to people you don't know like that.
12. Farting. I'm into it. Try if you can to not really talk about it or even say anything related to doing so whilst expeling your flatus. Regardless of it's audability, when people say something pertaining to it just look at them as you would Angelina Jolie, a non-human flatulence hating fourth dimension alien...yeah, I said it
13. Adopt abandoned cats and kittens. Dudes are secretly into it, crazy cat lady is the latest dolo craze. Before he finds out you used to finger kittens in heat and hold satanic rituals with them in the alley behind your old house in Boston it's all cute like aww look at her, what a nurturer, this is proven to dispell the noting the over-powering smell of theit shit-box. Plus it's totally like oohh sorry I downloaded porn on to your computer and gave you a virus baby but look at this really cute gif. of a kitten firing a machine gun, isn't it darling? Aww, all better.
extras...
Looks, $, Love? What takes presidence? Who cares, I like foot massages, let's get faced.
Pisces rule, and I write this so late in the game because I know the majority of them will not have the attention span necesitated to even get to read this, or they're too busy hating on themselves and pursuing some lost cause endeavor. They're all "that's not true..", quit being mad cryptic and allow me to see straight through your pain...Sorry Salmon Pattay, you know I got mad love for you. Also the anytime tasted amazing, why have I NOT been putting salsa and sour cream in my mashed potatoes all these years..damn.
When you meet someone named Patty, refer to her only as Salmon Pate, because she is just that good.
Bite the shit of varsity cheer-leaders in Ohios myspaces...and change your name to ~Oh Snap! it's VAG~:-d...because Whyyy not?
More to come...
VAG
1. when you have a very close bossom friend and she tells you that she will "make a fairy tale for you" at 7 a.m. believe that, because soon you will be giggling with thoughts of misfit elefantes that could never quite "make it in life" sipping chocolate milks at the soda shop with mealworms blessed with beautiful flowing long hair...love, you smell it? alexandrandradapoopie, projecting a touch? i hope not...
2. Little girls intent on screaming on the streets of williamsburg at your roomates about your computer a junkie probably stole, throwing accusations about...don't do that. this is a delicate integrity testing situation..the cops will tell you it's your roomate so that they don't have to look for a junkie with a laptop. your asshole boyfriend will tell you it is too because he is an alcoholic and beats you, so you should be aware of his alienation plots already...the only way to deal with this truly is oh i don't know, go, "my b", perhaps I should have locked the window in my room that leads to the fire escape in south williamsburg...locked my door, not left brand new 1200 $ laptop unnatended for two weeks and handle it instead of blaming everyone else because it is so fucking easy like justifying trying to screw one of your "best friends" out of 800 $, also stop refering to junkies as "the tooth fairy", because they're real and Meghan had to personally instruct me not to throw a rock in your face...just a thought.
3. When you see a crackhead on the st, do ask him how he fell into this predicament. when he responds "just curious bout it...got anymore champagne?" that's a sufficient answer and do spray more champagne into his mouth with your super soaker...
4. Smoke crack. Cook crack. Refer to it as a cookies when you do so, refer to your friends as world renowned chefs. Fervently talk about how much "realer" you are than everyone else and how no one can see to handle your realness. But the most important part is do smoke crack because crackheads get tired after they're high and they go to sleep, and no one wants to be that asshole who'se still up at 10 a.m. having a truthie conversation about your past love and how your parents were "so fucked up".
HA HA
5. Attempting to urinate on the floors of a hassidic jewish function halls will bring you cool friends that want to talk to you about punk rock, art-school, and sport yarmlukes...yes! If I ever plan on getting married I am going straight to Michael Han to host the event, what a doll!
6. Although skinny dipping in pools is top priority..always, especially when they are pristine freshly installed inground pools in the backyards of well to do pollack families in greenpoint, and you basically took the underground railroad to get there, understand that beer is and will always be more important. I just want you to think about that for a minute while you're naked in that pool, refusing to remove yourself. We've all been there, and I would hate to see YOU be the loser in this situation.
7. Any beer will do after 4 a.m.
8. Plastic designer bottle openers are not kazoos...i hate to burst your bubble Meghan but I felt like a dick keeping you in the dark this way...
9. Don't fucking buy those little ice-cubes in nice cute widdle shapes wike hearts, staws, and appoos...Seriously, go buy some maturity or get over irony..it's really cute when i cool my two day old 40 over your widdle kitschy ice-cube hearts. The only novelty ice-cubes I currently endorse are my penis pops becaues everyone likes to get t-bagged first thing in the morning, whilst sipping their first hung-over cup of icey water. It also takes me fucking forever to knife your little dot shaped ice-cubes out of the tray which 6 of constitutes one regular person ice-cube making me want to throw that many more rocks at your face Williamsburg girl, seriously, you're skating on thin ice here.
10. When your friend asks you if you'd go take a dip in the east river and this applies at any point, in any location, do agree even if you're hoping and basically dead set against it coming to fruition..because no one wants to be friends with a pussy, even if one day you'll be a pussy with aids and a syringe stuck to the sole of your foot because all you have is your word and be damned if you break it. I honestly screen every Cancer I let into my life, for this reason (yeah, the astrology sign), and I know they will take this personally so I'll give them a cooling period in which they can crawl back into their shells and marinate on how they're totally not pussies and i'm an asshole. Sowwy.
11. Indian man at the store tells you "you just want to be dangarus", put your ciggarette out on him, end of story. Also listen to Salmon Pate, "you can't go around talking to people you don't know like that.
12. Farting. I'm into it. Try if you can to not really talk about it or even say anything related to doing so whilst expeling your flatus. Regardless of it's audability, when people say something pertaining to it just look at them as you would Angelina Jolie, a non-human flatulence hating fourth dimension alien...yeah, I said it
13. Adopt abandoned cats and kittens. Dudes are secretly into it, crazy cat lady is the latest dolo craze. Before he finds out you used to finger kittens in heat and hold satanic rituals with them in the alley behind your old house in Boston it's all cute like aww look at her, what a nurturer, this is proven to dispell the noting the over-powering smell of theit shit-box. Plus it's totally like oohh sorry I downloaded porn on to your computer and gave you a virus baby but look at this really cute gif. of a kitten firing a machine gun, isn't it darling? Aww, all better.
extras...
Looks, $, Love? What takes presidence? Who cares, I like foot massages, let's get faced.
Pisces rule, and I write this so late in the game because I know the majority of them will not have the attention span necesitated to even get to read this, or they're too busy hating on themselves and pursuing some lost cause endeavor. They're all "that's not true..", quit being mad cryptic and allow me to see straight through your pain...Sorry Salmon Pattay, you know I got mad love for you. Also the anytime tasted amazing, why have I NOT been putting salsa and sour cream in my mashed potatoes all these years..damn.
When you meet someone named Patty, refer to her only as Salmon Pate, because she is just that good.
Bite the shit of varsity cheer-leaders in Ohios myspaces...and change your name to ~Oh Snap! it's VAG~:-d...because Whyyy not?
More to come...
VAG