consistently dissapointed
why everytime i start loving ny again it comes back with the tour de force and makes me remember why i want to fucking rip it's sagging souless eye-balls out?
obnoxious alcoholics wanna gimme some coke sucking each-others dicks now your own dick. feel your own shit so hard but it's only because you can't feel anything at all think youre really getting somewhere fucking talking in the basement of a bar too old try to make plans to leave break break break
till youre about to get on the F home at like 3 am and a gangster cabbie orders you to let him drive you home and then takes a digital picture of you crying and says he enjoys your company and would like to show his friends a picture of the hott girl and asks your measurements.
i said 6" at least, haha. Someone give me a reason...just one.
"i love myself more than you could ever love me"
not so funny when satire becomes your reality. i think i may stop going out at night. I drank and it only high-lighted everyones desperation and lies...if youre a liar, crackhead, junkie (which really just means youre a lot of all three) don't talk to me. the fact that i'm still attracted to harboring people like this in my life i think says a lot about my progress and what i really want subconsciously which I am trying to change (if such a thing is possible?). Just remember you could always be in rehab making out in a rock quarry with a tattooed 15 yr old crip in Utah....true fucking story
charles bronson t-shirt
big black hoodie
gold doorknockers
matching eye make up
black red sox cap
black aa mini-skort
gold stilettos
.............................well at least my out-fit was tight.
and can someone suggest a new book to me? pref. non fiction, philosophy or creepy psychological life tale? that would be word
laterskater
p.s. rudy huxtable asked to get dropped off at the pool in like 5 minutes....is that cool? hahaha....in all seriousness can someone also teach me how to communicate my feelings effectively, when does the fall come so i can go to school and fugedaboutit all? words just haven't been coming very easily lately unless it's nothing of importance or liner conversation. i used to throw everything out there and somehow knew it would just work out all of a sudden it's work and i expect the worst so i take the safe road usually it takes longer with less sights on the way. i think i've been hurt too many times before now so i just try to accomodate the transience of my relationships without ever giving them a real chance to develop because i refuse to show myself. pretty little girl behind the china-doll face what's goin down..ha i guess it's just easier to pretend you don't know anything because then people expect so much less from you but it's hard to play the role when you know more than they ever will. and by hard i mean it hurts worse than a million heartbreaks because it's the ultimate fake-out, full-time actress pro bono no big deal probably never know how i feel. i revert back to the remnants of my childish imagination and hope that people can read my thoughts through touch or looking straight into my eyes but to no avail i've perfected the act so well i'm sure it's about as futile as staring into two magic 8's simultaneously one reads "not" the other "here".
i still have my dreams my mind is the last playground left. some old syringes on the ground and all the kids went home but sometimes you go to sleep doing something and dream youre doing the same thing yet it is that much better and wake up still doing that one thing and it makes it all worth it.
things i could stand doing right now:
get my nails did
make some fucking music
make out
things i could stand never doing again:
talk in the rain
ride the train
change kitty litter...maybe i am about to get my period because i don't know what all this is about. still funny to see us all diverge in just about as opposite directions as possible but we're all together still like fam because we are and we're all we got. and that's why boston will always be my home.
in other news i am selling some old designer crap i don't like anymore, like 3 chanel bags i am over, ones gold with the chain strap, the other one is vintage pale blue denim long fabric strap, gold double c's. i might hold on to my black quilted with gold chain strap even though i never wear it. they're all just too small for me, they don't even fit my make-up. i get over shit so quick, maybe after i get the louis vuitton canvas tote cleaned i will feel it again, i feel like it's too picnic most of the time though. the pink green gucci belt with bamboo/gold buckle, i rocked that like once and was over it two years ago, i don't wear colors really aside from red and occasionally pale pink so bing bang boom...oh and alexandrade (<3) if youre reading this you can still give me 2 bags of morphine generation clothes because i "like that cheezy shit" and am cleansing/ refurbishing my wardrobe. iloveyou, i also have more shit of that nature that i'd like to get rid of. oh and it's pretty cool when you find out your ex pawned your hot pink/gold baby phat coat for drugs....ahahahhah oh well. who wants to ride bikes i think i am gonna get my green lowrider tuned up and put all the gold hook-ups i bought for it tommorow so i can bring it up this weekend. hopefully nobody in my hood shanks me for it. btw i think i wil entitle my journal the bed-stuy blog from here on in, because i don't really fucking want to leave much. i think i will be painting the room red or black with red carpets for sure. oh ya and i can't find my television i got for christmas...who loses a TV? i do
a.d.d.?
-this kitten hair is getting to me. i just had a moment with them though, the really shy one even let me hold him and they were all purring at the same time while i pet them all because googie was biting the shit out of them and i shooed him away. am i really going to become a crayz cat lady?
-i think i will finally get my hair done platinum blonde...it would be sick to walk down the st. and have no one recognize me. last night mike at annex (door dude) pretended not to know me and iw as like wtfff because he usually walks up and gives me a hug so i took off my hat and then after like 2 minutes of being like umm ok. i guess i'll show you my fake mike, he was like sike, way to walk up and not hug me vag..i was like YOU BITCH!! i guess that's the beauty of working the door you get to fuck with people hard. love him
-lisas mama is driving us into boston tonight..hmm, i slept for like four hours. hanging out with austin and hopefully justin if he's not trifling hopefully this cheers me up but there are often opposite effects back home, backwards town.
-seeing flaxy lady and jay last night was <3 tripod, nicky took pictures of us bird feeding one another whiskey i believe? jay said he would be dissapointed if i didn't and would just drip it on my face otherwise which you can't put past him so i had to even though i didn't want to haha. i tried to pee on his bed but it didn't really work out for some reason i guess i can only piss on people i like or when i'm heavily intoxicated, none of which i was in the presence of or really interested in doing.
i could go on and on about mundane bull-shit but it mostly just feels good to write, for myself to look back on so although this is long, fuck off.
ok two songs i've been listening to too much
i feel like letting you know how much i love you today i feel like letting it show showing you rightly now then never going away i know youre feeling real low..i wanna make it ok. i wanna show you i know and it'll feel fine i wanna take it away take it away i thought i'd write you this song maybe i'd make you smile and take your sadness away i wanna show you i love love love you a long time i'm never going away..
hate to sleep alone. surprises always help, so i take somebody home to find out how i feel. i feel like just a...portrait of a lady, poster of a girl. satisfy myself, avoid beginners, who long to shut my mouth till i take one of them home, cause i know how it feels, filling in the blanks. looking on the bright side, when there is no bright side. coming in your pants for the off-chance with a poster of a girl, poster of a girl..
guess, although i handed you the last one on a platter.
c u l8er
VAG
obnoxious alcoholics wanna gimme some coke sucking each-others dicks now your own dick. feel your own shit so hard but it's only because you can't feel anything at all think youre really getting somewhere fucking talking in the basement of a bar too old try to make plans to leave break break break
till youre about to get on the F home at like 3 am and a gangster cabbie orders you to let him drive you home and then takes a digital picture of you crying and says he enjoys your company and would like to show his friends a picture of the hott girl and asks your measurements.
i said 6" at least, haha. Someone give me a reason...just one.
"i love myself more than you could ever love me"
not so funny when satire becomes your reality. i think i may stop going out at night. I drank and it only high-lighted everyones desperation and lies...if youre a liar, crackhead, junkie (which really just means youre a lot of all three) don't talk to me. the fact that i'm still attracted to harboring people like this in my life i think says a lot about my progress and what i really want subconsciously which I am trying to change (if such a thing is possible?). Just remember you could always be in rehab making out in a rock quarry with a tattooed 15 yr old crip in Utah....true fucking story
charles bronson t-shirt
big black hoodie
gold doorknockers
matching eye make up
black red sox cap
black aa mini-skort
gold stilettos
.............................well at least my out-fit was tight.
and can someone suggest a new book to me? pref. non fiction, philosophy or creepy psychological life tale? that would be word
laterskater
p.s. rudy huxtable asked to get dropped off at the pool in like 5 minutes....is that cool? hahaha....in all seriousness can someone also teach me how to communicate my feelings effectively, when does the fall come so i can go to school and fugedaboutit all? words just haven't been coming very easily lately unless it's nothing of importance or liner conversation. i used to throw everything out there and somehow knew it would just work out all of a sudden it's work and i expect the worst so i take the safe road usually it takes longer with less sights on the way. i think i've been hurt too many times before now so i just try to accomodate the transience of my relationships without ever giving them a real chance to develop because i refuse to show myself. pretty little girl behind the china-doll face what's goin down..ha i guess it's just easier to pretend you don't know anything because then people expect so much less from you but it's hard to play the role when you know more than they ever will. and by hard i mean it hurts worse than a million heartbreaks because it's the ultimate fake-out, full-time actress pro bono no big deal probably never know how i feel. i revert back to the remnants of my childish imagination and hope that people can read my thoughts through touch or looking straight into my eyes but to no avail i've perfected the act so well i'm sure it's about as futile as staring into two magic 8's simultaneously one reads "not" the other "here".
i still have my dreams my mind is the last playground left. some old syringes on the ground and all the kids went home but sometimes you go to sleep doing something and dream youre doing the same thing yet it is that much better and wake up still doing that one thing and it makes it all worth it.
things i could stand doing right now:
get my nails did
make some fucking music
make out
things i could stand never doing again:
talk in the rain
ride the train
change kitty litter...maybe i am about to get my period because i don't know what all this is about. still funny to see us all diverge in just about as opposite directions as possible but we're all together still like fam because we are and we're all we got. and that's why boston will always be my home.
in other news i am selling some old designer crap i don't like anymore, like 3 chanel bags i am over, ones gold with the chain strap, the other one is vintage pale blue denim long fabric strap, gold double c's. i might hold on to my black quilted with gold chain strap even though i never wear it. they're all just too small for me, they don't even fit my make-up. i get over shit so quick, maybe after i get the louis vuitton canvas tote cleaned i will feel it again, i feel like it's too picnic most of the time though. the pink green gucci belt with bamboo/gold buckle, i rocked that like once and was over it two years ago, i don't wear colors really aside from red and occasionally pale pink so bing bang boom...oh and alexandrade (<3) if youre reading this you can still give me 2 bags of morphine generation clothes because i "like that cheezy shit" and am cleansing/ refurbishing my wardrobe. iloveyou, i also have more shit of that nature that i'd like to get rid of. oh and it's pretty cool when you find out your ex pawned your hot pink/gold baby phat coat for drugs....ahahahhah oh well. who wants to ride bikes i think i am gonna get my green lowrider tuned up and put all the gold hook-ups i bought for it tommorow so i can bring it up this weekend. hopefully nobody in my hood shanks me for it. btw i think i wil entitle my journal the bed-stuy blog from here on in, because i don't really fucking want to leave much. i think i will be painting the room red or black with red carpets for sure. oh ya and i can't find my television i got for christmas...who loses a TV? i do
a.d.d.?
-this kitten hair is getting to me. i just had a moment with them though, the really shy one even let me hold him and they were all purring at the same time while i pet them all because googie was biting the shit out of them and i shooed him away. am i really going to become a crayz cat lady?
-i think i will finally get my hair done platinum blonde...it would be sick to walk down the st. and have no one recognize me. last night mike at annex (door dude) pretended not to know me and iw as like wtfff because he usually walks up and gives me a hug so i took off my hat and then after like 2 minutes of being like umm ok. i guess i'll show you my fake mike, he was like sike, way to walk up and not hug me vag..i was like YOU BITCH!! i guess that's the beauty of working the door you get to fuck with people hard. love him
-lisas mama is driving us into boston tonight..hmm, i slept for like four hours. hanging out with austin and hopefully justin if he's not trifling hopefully this cheers me up but there are often opposite effects back home, backwards town.
-seeing flaxy lady and jay last night was <3 tripod, nicky took pictures of us bird feeding one another whiskey i believe? jay said he would be dissapointed if i didn't and would just drip it on my face otherwise which you can't put past him so i had to even though i didn't want to haha. i tried to pee on his bed but it didn't really work out for some reason i guess i can only piss on people i like or when i'm heavily intoxicated, none of which i was in the presence of or really interested in doing.
i could go on and on about mundane bull-shit but it mostly just feels good to write, for myself to look back on so although this is long, fuck off.
ok two songs i've been listening to too much
i feel like letting you know how much i love you today i feel like letting it show showing you rightly now then never going away i know youre feeling real low..i wanna make it ok. i wanna show you i know and it'll feel fine i wanna take it away take it away i thought i'd write you this song maybe i'd make you smile and take your sadness away i wanna show you i love love love you a long time i'm never going away..
hate to sleep alone. surprises always help, so i take somebody home to find out how i feel. i feel like just a...portrait of a lady, poster of a girl. satisfy myself, avoid beginners, who long to shut my mouth till i take one of them home, cause i know how it feels, filling in the blanks. looking on the bright side, when there is no bright side. coming in your pants for the off-chance with a poster of a girl, poster of a girl..
guess, although i handed you the last one on a platter.
c u l8er
VAG