buzzed balcony bullshit
It is breathtaking, in both good and bad ways, to be 22 and have no idea what the hell you're doing with yourself.
I blew a gorgeous shot at college and I'm now stuck in a boring job without challenge despite my intelligence, wondering if I should attempt to continue my education or if that would land me in a worse place, for instance working the same boring job with no shot at a better one, only add a few thousand in debt.
2012. Zombies, OCCUPY!!!, catastrophes, I feel like the entire world is crumbling into tiny pieces and it's taking me with it.
I'm crumbling into pieces, too.
I've battled with depression for years, thinking I'd cured it way back at 15 because I'd stopped cutting myself (a practice I enjoyed privately, only on occasion, for a few months). I was wrong; as soon as I turned 18, all the pent-up buried depression of years exploded with a fury unknown once it combined with current depression. I turned myself to alcohol at first to have a good time and am now in a weird way dependent on the lifestyle of the frequent drinker. I can go days without drinking, but not too many, before I crave that forgetting, that blur of action that comes with a warm pleasant hum resonating away all of your problems deep on the inside.
I'm a pothead.
I'm addicted hopelessly to cigarettes.
Living with someone equally addicted to the first and third aforementioned conditions does not help. I try, oh I try. I went a few days only smoking three or four cigarettes last week compared to my usual pack. It was met with no degree of sympathy, encouragement, or commitment from the person in my life most intertwined with my heart, the person I needed it from most.
I'm at a standstill here in my life, I know at a turning point. In this crazy, fucked up world that is going to hell in a handbasket more quickly every day, I'm lost on the road of life and I don't know where to turn; all I have to really go on is 22 years of skewed experience. I'm completely clueless as to what to do with myself.
SAVE MONEY!!!
Money is the root of all evil in both the world and in my life. I just want to have fun, enjoy my life! I deserve it; I work my 40 hours a week and pay my bills. I'm not on government assistance, I take care of myself, I deserve to live each day to the fullest and have fun!
But the things that I have fun doing are killing me and I can't find any other things to replace them because nothing can numb the ache inside. And heaven forbid I don't save save save for old age, because no matter how old and frail I get, no matter what medical problems I have, no one will care, I will still have to take care of myself until the day I die in this cold, cold world.
I don't know why I'm typing this.
I'm at a standstill for going into either journalism because I love to write, or engineering because I want to design cars, sexy, awesome, Top Gear worthy cars, and maybe find the trick (and the balls to kill the oil companies) to eco-friendly motoring.
I want to accomplish so many things, I'm so smart, I know I can do anything...
But it's so damn hard.
I don't know why I'm typing this.
Maybe someone out there wants to start reading chapters that will never end nor never change of a 22 year old fuck-up.
But I have hope in my heart, for both the world and myself.
I want to make a difference somehow and while I know I'm failing, damn if it ain't every day that I don't still wake up and try with what little strength that I know.
I'm going to go to the bar.
the harder you try, baby, the further you will fall...