This is who I really am inside?
Christmas is done and gone. Not that I ever really felt that it was here.
It seems as if it was only yesterday I worked my last shift at that store I can't think of its name. I remember how I was feeling, and how I knew I needed to just get away from it.
It's been rather cloudy, within the last 4 months of my time off.
I've dealt with stupid issues, that I shouldn't even be worrying about. People who I care about, shared their problems and their solutions (or escapes) with me, that I couldn't accept. From there it turned me into whatever I am now. I'm still me, just, a far more complicated me.
I struggle daily, trying to do anything around the house. I have random great days, where my head doesn't hurt at all, and that I can pull myself out from where ever my head is, and clean around the basement, do laundry and scrub floors. Not much enjoyment from these certain activities, but it's something to do nonetheless.
I've figured that I need some form of routine for myself, to get back into the swing of things. It's difficult. Not knowing how I am going to feel for things I have planned for the next day to come.
Working at WIS nearly killed me, in a non-literal way. Working morning shifts, to come home for a couple of hours to nap, to wake up and go out to work again for the evening, several days a week, one could imagine not having any form of routine. I would wake, work, come home, sleep, only to do it all again the next day. WIS took so much time out of my life, that I feel I really lost who I was. Now that I haven't had to work in 4 months, I literally have nothing to do. Sure, I have things I could do to occupy my time, but I really haven't had the inspiration to do anything artsy in awhile. My guitar just sits there on the stand, I could pick it up at any time and dive into it, but I haven't. My DSLR camera sits here on my computer desk, which I haven't mucked around with for awhile.
The days have literally been just hiding away here in my basement alone, with my companion Twiggy, who keeps my mind at ease. I really try not to think of what my life has become, but how do I not when I'm living that every single day?
I feel as if I'm dwelling on the fact that I am not who I want to be. Daily I wake up, look in the mirror and hate who I look at. I know I'm a kind hearted person, but I don't see that when I look in the mirror. Maybe I should just get rid of all mirrors.
I know the last few years have been rough on me. I suppose I'm being punished now, for the horrible things that happened in the past. I know I will get better, but when I get to the moment of the severe painful headaches, I feel that nothing can rid them, and the only way to escape the pain, is to die. As much as that would be an easy way out of things, it isn't something I would ever do, even though I do think about it. I know that not only would it be stupid, but I would hurt so many people in my life if I did that.
What I'm going through these last few months, I know I will pull out of for the better. For as we are human, and for every mistake, we learn from it. From every struggle, we grow.
In time I know what I will have to do in order to feel better. For the moment it just really sucks. A lot of the time I can't really deal with it, or even want to think about it. It's at those times that I decide to sleep, to clear my mind of such thoughts.
The medication has helped me. I don't know whether I will need to stay on them, or ween myself off of them. I know that if I stop them cold turkey, I'd get massive withdrawls which I know wouldn't be good for my current condition.
I sit and sometimes think about things I could do to make me feel better. But getting to the point to doing them is beyond what I could do for now.
Come the new year things are going to have to change for me. I sometimes dive into thoughts of something to work towards, a dream perhaps I feel for the time would be great. But when I think of getting to something like this it stresses me out, I get scared, and I pretty much don't even want to think about it. I'm not about to plan out my future within a couple of nights. It's something that will happen along the way, without any planning at all. I will just live, and things will happen. And if I so happen to end up somewhere, so be it. I'm not about to commit myself to anything considering I don't even know what I want.
It's time to live for myself, rather than for everyone else. I will get there, but I have to focus on getting better, and getting myself out of this stupid rut I've been in for the last little while.
Things will be clearer in time, I just wish these headaches would go away simply because they make walking up the stairs a difficult task.
It seems as if it was only yesterday I worked my last shift at that store I can't think of its name. I remember how I was feeling, and how I knew I needed to just get away from it.
It's been rather cloudy, within the last 4 months of my time off.
I've dealt with stupid issues, that I shouldn't even be worrying about. People who I care about, shared their problems and their solutions (or escapes) with me, that I couldn't accept. From there it turned me into whatever I am now. I'm still me, just, a far more complicated me.
I struggle daily, trying to do anything around the house. I have random great days, where my head doesn't hurt at all, and that I can pull myself out from where ever my head is, and clean around the basement, do laundry and scrub floors. Not much enjoyment from these certain activities, but it's something to do nonetheless.
I've figured that I need some form of routine for myself, to get back into the swing of things. It's difficult. Not knowing how I am going to feel for things I have planned for the next day to come.
Working at WIS nearly killed me, in a non-literal way. Working morning shifts, to come home for a couple of hours to nap, to wake up and go out to work again for the evening, several days a week, one could imagine not having any form of routine. I would wake, work, come home, sleep, only to do it all again the next day. WIS took so much time out of my life, that I feel I really lost who I was. Now that I haven't had to work in 4 months, I literally have nothing to do. Sure, I have things I could do to occupy my time, but I really haven't had the inspiration to do anything artsy in awhile. My guitar just sits there on the stand, I could pick it up at any time and dive into it, but I haven't. My DSLR camera sits here on my computer desk, which I haven't mucked around with for awhile.
The days have literally been just hiding away here in my basement alone, with my companion Twiggy, who keeps my mind at ease. I really try not to think of what my life has become, but how do I not when I'm living that every single day?
I feel as if I'm dwelling on the fact that I am not who I want to be. Daily I wake up, look in the mirror and hate who I look at. I know I'm a kind hearted person, but I don't see that when I look in the mirror. Maybe I should just get rid of all mirrors.
I know the last few years have been rough on me. I suppose I'm being punished now, for the horrible things that happened in the past. I know I will get better, but when I get to the moment of the severe painful headaches, I feel that nothing can rid them, and the only way to escape the pain, is to die. As much as that would be an easy way out of things, it isn't something I would ever do, even though I do think about it. I know that not only would it be stupid, but I would hurt so many people in my life if I did that.
What I'm going through these last few months, I know I will pull out of for the better. For as we are human, and for every mistake, we learn from it. From every struggle, we grow.
In time I know what I will have to do in order to feel better. For the moment it just really sucks. A lot of the time I can't really deal with it, or even want to think about it. It's at those times that I decide to sleep, to clear my mind of such thoughts.
The medication has helped me. I don't know whether I will need to stay on them, or ween myself off of them. I know that if I stop them cold turkey, I'd get massive withdrawls which I know wouldn't be good for my current condition.
I sit and sometimes think about things I could do to make me feel better. But getting to the point to doing them is beyond what I could do for now.
Come the new year things are going to have to change for me. I sometimes dive into thoughts of something to work towards, a dream perhaps I feel for the time would be great. But when I think of getting to something like this it stresses me out, I get scared, and I pretty much don't even want to think about it. I'm not about to plan out my future within a couple of nights. It's something that will happen along the way, without any planning at all. I will just live, and things will happen. And if I so happen to end up somewhere, so be it. I'm not about to commit myself to anything considering I don't even know what I want.
It's time to live for myself, rather than for everyone else. I will get there, but I have to focus on getting better, and getting myself out of this stupid rut I've been in for the last little while.
Things will be clearer in time, I just wish these headaches would go away simply because they make walking up the stairs a difficult task.