Really? wtf.
What do you do, when you have no clue?
There are those you can understand, and those you can't.
Why do they choose to act the way they do? They never change.
Where I feel I need to connect with them, it doesn't happen.
I'm here always for anyone, yet, for some it seems that's my only reason. Never just a "Hey how's it going?" No, when you need something just ask me. Yeah well fuck that. I'm sick of being there for someone who never is in return. I don't really "need' anyone anyways.
Open my heart only for it to get shit on and taken advantage of? Yeah fuck that shit too.
I've changed a lot in the last 5 years. Leaving the one place I felt most attached to, confused me. I tried to grow up too quickly, and in turn that just fucked me again. I admit I did wrong, I know what I did wrong. And the time is now for me to change that.
Well I'm trying to change... it's just... I constantly feel as if I'm getting nowhere. That I'm stuck where I am. I was the first to leave, only to do it all wrong and end up back here. Now the other 2 are gone, and I'm the last one here. I feel I can never leave. That I am needed here always. Yes, they are grown up, but I don't think I could ever leave them alone with each other. As nice as it was to get away from them for 2 years, they need me now more than ever. I try to take my independence seriously. But they don't seem to understand it.
My social life has gone to Hell. I have no one other to blame than myself. But it doesn't really bother me all that much. Aside from the fact that I believe I'm slowly losing my mind, it's nice.... nice not having to worry about anyone other than myself. I've cared too much in my life, about everything, that it was wasted on those that didn't even deserve it. I do keep a few close to me, that know me better than even my own parents these days. Family comes first, I know this. But, they are dearest to me, so much that I could consider them family and I could never let them go. They mean the world, and I would be even crazier without them.
I've been trying to do this whole money management thing. Paid off my debts and such and trying to build some form of bank account. But I'm having difficulties. Yeah I have now what I need, but for some reason I have to give my money away. Here, put food on your table. Here, go to school for the next month. Here, buy some medicine for yourself so you can feel better. A good deed doesn't go unnoticed? Well, those examples sure have. I get a good feeling of doing something good for someone, yet they don't understand that perhaps what I gave them left me with little til next pay? Perhaps I shouldn't have done it, but how can I let someone go without? It's because I care. I want to stop giving a fuck about everyone else, and pay more attention to myself. But selfishness has always scared me... Why? Why am I like this? What can I do to change, and actually start helping me? Am I going crazy? There is probably a little truth to that. I wonder how many brain cells I killed in the last few years. (a lot) But I'm still here, still functioning, for now.
My emotions are completely fucked as they always have been. But I mask them pretty well in the world. I vent them through random song lyrics. Sometimes some I make up myself. It's usually pretty random. I think I have an issue with music... I think it's controlling my emotions and my feelings. How can I change this? How can I drop something in my life that means a lot to me, and lets me be the creative person I am?
Life I struggle with so much, and it's hard for others to really understand the way I am inside. I could write a book about myself, and I'm sure I could blow your mind away with it. But when it comes to reading an actual book? I could get through 5 chapters and then forget about it completely the next day. I would have to read it all in one sitting to even understand what the hell is going on.
My motto used to always be, I'm MeL - I care. I think I may have to change it to, I'm MeL - I'm crazy.