Simple Rule for Multi-Partner Exploration
More people need to read this. It could apply in essence to any scenario of negotiated compromise.
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Sometimes, a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sets ground rules for an inaugural threesome that seem arbitrary, because they are arbitrary. (Don’t use tongue when you kiss the other person, don’t use my favorite tit clamps on the other person, you can put your penis in the hole in the other person’s face but not in the hole[s] in the other person’s swimsuit area.) When your partner declares a particular kiss/toy/orifice out of bounds, he or she isn’t just holding something back because it’s special. They are also measuring your ability to respect their boundaries. Respecting your partner’s boundaries-honoring those ground rules-sends a message: “I may be messing around with someone else with your okay, but I love you, and your emotional and sexual needs still come first.”
And once a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sees with their own eyes that their ground rules are going to be respected-once they see that their partners can mess around with someone else without forgetting who matters to them most-those ground rules tend to become less restrictive.
--Dan Savage
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Sometimes, a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sets ground rules for an inaugural threesome that seem arbitrary, because they are arbitrary. (Don’t use tongue when you kiss the other person, don’t use my favorite tit clamps on the other person, you can put your penis in the hole in the other person’s face but not in the hole[s] in the other person’s swimsuit area.) When your partner declares a particular kiss/toy/orifice out of bounds, he or she isn’t just holding something back because it’s special. They are also measuring your ability to respect their boundaries. Respecting your partner’s boundaries-honoring those ground rules-sends a message: “I may be messing around with someone else with your okay, but I love you, and your emotional and sexual needs still come first.”
And once a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sees with their own eyes that their ground rules are going to be respected-once they see that their partners can mess around with someone else without forgetting who matters to them most-those ground rules tend to become less restrictive.
--Dan Savage