fuck this life
men
the men in my life are a representation of all the shortcomings of my personality.. my progress as an individual sporatically lapsing into some mindless self- indulgence to pass the time. pass time so i dont have to deal right away. or letting myself fall into complete infatuation for the toxicity of a person. i can think of some dance steps to that one. ah my vice, my only healthy vice. dancing to the pounding pulse of loud music long into the heat of the night. what a satisfaction. too bad im still looking to the opposite sex to take me there. my *happy place*.
i've been wasting my time. searching for things that were inside of me the whole time, answers i already knew. why would i look for answers in him. it proved it wasn't worth it after the first three times. fuck man. i really need to get a grip on myself. i know who i am, but i let myself get used. ugh what a feeling to be left with. i feel so cheap, and thats not very nice. just let go.
i guess it's time to just say fuck it. fuck it all. time for a new job so i can survive, at least. and time to be with my closest friends of whom i have been a stranger to as of lately.
life is so fucking weird, and im losing track of where the drugs stand in it all. thats gotta get a grip too. i wouldnt mind enjoy being an old had some day.
i miss someone. and its not a forbiden person either. he's someone that i never introduced to many, we were private about our comings and goings. i dont think anything more will come of me and him intimately because of distance. i would like to see him again, even be drinking buddies or something like that.
life is such a fucking bitch.