Beside Your Mouth [dean/castiel][s/a]
Title: Beside Your Mouth
Pairing/Character(s): Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Cas becomes human. He doesn't handle it well, refusing to eat, scared to sleep, etc. Very depressed. Dean convinces him that, yes, being human sucks compared to being an angel, but that it's not that bad, and he'll always have Dean.
Warning: N/A
Beta: theamberkennedy
Word Count: 2,900
A/N: for the deancastiel Everlasting Birthday Challenge.
I.
The first time Castiel has a nightmare, he wakes up screaming. It’s after everything is over, after the war in Heaven, after Cas being completely distant and almost outwardly ignoring Dean. This doesn’t change the fact that Dean takes the steps up Bobby’s stairs two at a time and throws the guest door open panting, “Cas, are you okay?”
And physically, Cas is fine. He’s sweating a little, and his hands are shaking, but otherwise - no wounds. Nothing. Castiel bolts right up and looks at Dean with clouded eyes. “Dean,” he says breathlessly, and he wraps his arms around his chest in a way that’s so unfamiliar to Dean that it leaves him momentarily startled. “Was that real?”
Dean purses his lips and moves into the room, sitting on the bed next to Cas. “It’s okay,” he says, even though he’s not really sure if that’s the truth. “It wasn’t real. I…I think you just had a nightmare.” Dean smoothes his hand over Cas’ cheek and Cas leans into the touch, shifting closer to Dean. “You’re safe.”
Dean isn’t really happy about the fact that Castiel has been retreating from him, from everybody, but he trusts and hopes that things are going to get better - that with time, Cas will heal and things will improve. “Thank you, Dean,” Castiel murmurs, and his fingers tighten on the sleeve of Dean’s jacket. “I know…I know it’s early, for you, but will you stay? Will you stay here for tonight?”
Normally Dean and Sam switch between the couch and the floor, but Dean nods without hesitation, easily agreeing to Cas’ request. “Of course, Cas. I’ll stay with you tonight.”
He helps Castiel out of the baggy jeans he had fallen asleep in and then tucks him under the covers, crawling in next to him after he strips off his own jeans and jacket. Dean is, by default, not exactly a cuddler, but he drapes an arm over Cas’ shoulders and squeezes him to his chest protectively. “You’re safe,” he whispers, kissing Cas’ temple. “I’m here.”
Castiel hums and leans his head back, kissing Dean softly on the mouth. “I know,” he breathes, and Dean’s grip tightens.
II.
Dean had been convinced that things would improve after the first couple of nights of nightmares. Dean was always there, sometimes even with a damp washcloth to help Cas cool down (he explained to Cas that the dreams he were having were fever dreams), and sometimes he even sang Cas classic rock and hugged him around the waist. Dean wished he knew how to be there every time, how to know when Cas would roll over and fall asleep, but sometimes he just forgot. Dozed off on the couch or next to Sam with the TV on and woke up to Castiel screaming upstairs. And it was getting to the point where it was almost a habit - where Castiel would be crying by the time Dean reached him and would shy away from his touch until he realized that yes it was Dean, and that yes it wasn’t real, and that yes, Cas, everything was going to be okay. It was just a dream.
“But it hurts like it’s real,” Castiel whispers against Dean’s neck, still shaking. Dean is beginning to become fearful of the former angel’s reaction to his nightmares - even when Sammy used to have nightmares regularly, before and after Jess’ death, he never cried or shook, and maybe that was okay because it had been Sam, but this was Cas. And seeing Cas all broken up and scared was terrifying. “I can feel it, and I want to scream but no words come out. And I see him, I see Michael and I see Raphael and I see Lucifer and I…sometimes I think I see God, and he’s so angry, they’re all so angry and I don’t know what I did wrong and I can’t…I can’t even think of what to say to them, how to appease them. Their wrath…what if it is real? What if they’re coming to me in dreams, now that I’m human, and torturing my human soul? Dean, it’s so scary, it feels so real, it hurts so real.” Cas is babbling by then and Dean has to smooth his hands through Cas’ hair, over his face, and kiss him on the mouth to get him to stop talking.
“It isn’t real. They can’t find you, and they cannot hurt you within your dreams. Come on, Cas, you know this. You know this. They cannot touch you. They. Cannot. Hurt you. You are safe. I want to…I wish I could just convince you of this. Please, Cas, you’ve got to believe me. You are safer here, in this bedroom, than you have ever been. Raphael is dead, remember? Balthazar killed him a long time ago. And Michael, and Lucifer? They’re still in the pit, they’re still in Hell and they’re not coming back any time soon. And Cas. Cas, look at me.” Dean grabs Cas’ face, holding him there firmly and staring into his eyes with as much intensity as he can manage, as much honesty as he can muster. “God would never want to hurt you. God chose you, Cas, to save me. And you did exactly what you had to. He brought you back, twice, so that you could stop the apocalypse. And you did, Cas, and he let you live this human life because you wanted it. And I know it’s hard - God, I know it’s so hard, but God would never want to hurt you.” Dean feels breathless and Cas looks exhausted.
They fall against each other in the dark, on the old bed in Bobby’s guest room, and Cas clings and Dean clings and their desperation mirrors the other.
And Dean does this, keeps doing this - he protects Castiel as much as he can, tries to keep him safe from himself with his words, but he doesn’t know how to convince Cas that he can’t be hurt. The nightmares cease but are replaced by other worrisome habits. Castiel stops eating - outwardly refuses food, in fact, even the In And Out burger that Sam gets and offers in a greasy bag that Cas had taken a liking to before he had turned human. But instead of his eyes lighting up when Sam dangles the bag in front of his face at Bobby’s dining room table, Cas recoils. Like a stubborn child he looks down and burrows into himself.
It hurts for Dean to watch, but Sam doesn’t press the issue. Nobody presses the issue.
III.
“Cas?” Dean says, knocking on the bedroom door. He’s not sure what brought upon the impulse but he feels the need to check up on Cas and he waits. When he gets no answer, he pushes the door open and frowns. Cas is sitting on the bed, the light on, staring at the wall. He looks nervous. “Cas? Hey, it’s me.”
Castiel looks up but doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t seem surprised or annoyed to see Dean - simply indifferent. Then his indifference turns to sadness and his body slumps against the headboard of the bed. “Hello, Dean.”
Dean sits on the edge of the bed. “Why aren’t you sleeping? It’s almost eleven o’clock, and you’re always asleep by ten.” Dean lets his tone remain teasing, and he reaches over to clap Cas on the leg. Cas retreats and Dean tries to remember the last time he saw Cas eat. He thinks it was a morning almost a week ago, and it makes his stomach curl. He’s suddenly scared.
“I don’t…want to sleep,” Cas says, and his words are week. “It…I’m afraid.”
Dean blinks. “Afraid of what?” he asks, and then it strikes him. “Are you afraid of your nightmares? Cas. How many times do I have to tell you…?” He trails off due to the desperate expression on Dean’s face.
“They’re so vivid,” Cas explains, and the shaking of his body is completely visible, obvious and scary. Dean crawls over, next to Cas, and wraps an arm around his shoulder, pulling him to his chest. “I know you don’t understand, Dean. I couldn’t expect you to. But I would rather…I would rather die then experience those dreams alone.”
“Oh, Cas,” Dean murmurs, and he presses his lips to Cas’ forehead. “You can’t…you can’t live without sleep. You will die if you don’t do something. You’ve got to sleep.”
“Then stay,” Cas groans, quietly desperately. “Sleep here, with me. Please sleep next to me. It’s the only time I don’t have those dreams. When I’m with you, I sleep so soundly, but you refuse to follow me up the stairs and I become so sad…I’m so sad without you, and I don’t want to be a burden but I feel as if I will crumble and fall into pieces if I do not have you by my side.”
Dean grips Cas tighter and tilts his head up to kiss his lips. Cas pushes up into the kiss hungrily and Dean is surprised by the strength he still has, pushing them over so that Dean is on the bed with Cas straddling him at the hips. Dean lets Cas kiss him and kisses him back with just as much severity, tangling his fingers into Castiel’s coarse hair and letting their tongues battle it out between their mouths. He never knew. Was always so entirely oblivious.
“I’ll stay,” Dean breathes once they break apart, carding his fingers through Cas’ messy hair. “I’ll never leave.”
VI.
Despite Dean’s constant presence, Cas still seems to struggle. He begins to eat more, and he doesn’t wake up screaming, but he still has the nightmares at least once a week and his appetite isn’t exactly healthy. He shies away from Sam’s friendly touches and Bobby’s voice, and leans into Dean like he needs protection. Dean lets him, babies him in ways he knows he shouldn’t because Cas is just so vulnerable. He needs this.
“We should really find somewhere else to live,” Sam says one afternoon when they’re all settled around the TV, watching some mindless show about home decorating, and maybe that’s what brings the conversation about in the first place. “Like, we should move into a house or an apartment. Leave Bobby alone.”
Castiel’s eyes flicker from Dean to Sam nervously and he shrugs when no one else says anything. Dean speaks up, “Probably a good idea. We have been mooching off of him for a while.” Dean wouldn’t be using Bobby except that Cas is bad. Cas is still in that stage where he’s afraid and he’s not used to being human. Dean’s being to get the impression that Cas will never truly be used to being human, and if he ever does get used to it, it won’t be without consequence and major damage.
“You don’t have to worry,” Sam says warmly at Cas, who shrinks back again and watches Sam with guarded eyes. It’s one of the things Dean hates most about this situation - Cas is so far broken that he doesn’t even really trust Sam anymore. Sam had been the one he had started to lean on, towards the end. To believe in. Maybe even more so than Dean, Cas had latched onto Sam and his newfound strength and found inspiration in it. Now that Castiel has fallen, however, he no longer finds inspiration in much of anything. Just desperation.
Dean scoots closer to Cas and wraps an arm tightly around his shoulder, holding him close. Cas leans into the touch and lowers his eyes before tilting his head up and kissing Dean’s neck. Dean watches as the expression on Sam’s face flickers, but it’s too fast for Dean to really notice, back to stoic and calm in seconds. Cas’ eyes are closed now, as if he’s content, but Dean can still feel the restlessness in his muscles. Dean wishes he could just soothe it away. Fix things. He can’t.
They end up renting an apartment, two bedrooms (that Dean and Castiel will be sharing doesn’t even need to be discussed, not after the past couple of weeks), and Sam gets a job at a local library (Dean teases him for being charming to the older ladies, but in reality he’s just glad things are moving smoothly, at least in that respect). For the most part, Dean stays home with Cas and gets him used to the new place. He begins to teach him how to drive and they sleep comfortably on their new queen sized bed in the slightly cramped bedroom with few problems. Cas still sometimes wakes up, the same way Sam used to directly after Jess’ death, but he doesn’t cry or flinch away. He usually just takes a few deep breaths and then kisses Dean a couple of times before folding himself up again and falling asleep. Dean considers this progress.
Yet, Cas’ misery is unbearable.
Dean confronts him, finally. He carefully considers how to get through to Cas, but eventually he gives up, deciding to go with the punches and hope things work out.
“You’re right,” Dean says when they’re lying in bed once night, fingers playing through Cas’ hair. Castiel lifts his head and looks at Dean with dull, questioning eyes and Dean wonders what happened to his angel. He knows - knows what falling did to him - but sometimes it feels like he’s staring at a stranger. Dean’s stomach does an uncomfortable swoop and he kisses Cas’ forehead.
“Right about what?” Cas asks quietly, tongue darting out to wet his dry, cracked lips. Dean’s tempted and kisses those chapped lips. They spend a moment deepening the kiss, Dean pushing gently in Cas’ mouth with his tongue until Cas groans and breaks their lip lock, a smile on his lips. “Right about what, Dean?” he asks, and Dean’s glad that Cas can still be stubborn - still care.
“Being human sucks.” Cas’ expression becomes cautious again, eyes dark and suspicious. Dean presses a kiss to his eyelid before continuing. “But I’m here. And Sam’s here. And Bobby’s here, even. And you’re safe. I know I’ve told you this a thousand times, but I really mean it, Cas. You’re safe. In this little apartment with me, there’s nothing that can hurt you. And Sam will protect you. We’re both going to protect you.”
“Dean,” Castiel says firmly, pulling his arms out of Dean’s grip and rolling away. He turns his face so that he’s no longer looking at Dean and Dean has to hold back on his impulse to grab Cas and kiss him senseless. He resists and Cas flops back over, looking at him. “I know. But what if…when I lose you? I’m scared to lose you.”
Dean feels his heart breaking at the words and he drapes an arm over Cas’ chest protectively, pressing open mouthed kisses over his neck affectionately. Neither of them say anything for a couple of long moments before Dean sits up, hand moving to the nape of Cas’ neck and holding him steadily.
“You’re not going to lose me. We may fight, we may have disagreements and butt heads, but not matter what, Cas - hey, I’m being serious, look at me.” Dean dips his head down and pushes Cas’ chin up gently so blue and green eyes meet again. This time, Dean knows Castiel isn’t going to avert his gaze. “No matter what, I’m going to stick by your side, because you did the same for me. Didn’t you? You believed in me and my efforts and didn’t give up. And I won’t give up on you.”
Castiel lets out a shaky breath that ghosts over Dean’s face. “Dean,” he says again, roughly, and it always leaves Dean a little flustered when he can tell that Cas is about to cry. Cas leans his head back against the pillow and squeezes his eyes shut, biting down hard on his bottom lip. “Dean,” he says again, and then he sobs in that impossible way, actually racking through his body and hitting Dean like a sudden chill. Dean’s name continues to pour from Cas’ lips as he sobs, tears dripping down his face and into his hair and onto the pillow. Dean doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even comfort him with ‘Shh’s and ‘It’s okay’s because he knows that they’re pointless. That Cas just needs to let this out, let himself forgive himself.
“You saved me,” Dean says after Cas’ sobs have died down considerably and he’s just hiccoughing, wiping at his eyes and refusing to look Dean straight on. “Cas.”
“Dean,” Cas says yet again, and the name feels like it’s always belonged on his lips, in his mouth. “You’re the one who saved me.”
Dean would argue, but he realizes that it’s true. And that that is why they slot together, click like a key and lock, fit like two puzzle pieces.
He kisses Cas, ignores the taste of mucus and doesn’t mind the tired way that Cas kisses him, slow and fluid.
He can’t let go, won’t let go - he has to be there, he knows Castiel has faith, that Castiel can grow and that Castiel can change and love and be.
He doesn’t let go. He knows he’s needed.
So, he stays.
Pairing/Character(s): Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Cas becomes human. He doesn't handle it well, refusing to eat, scared to sleep, etc. Very depressed. Dean convinces him that, yes, being human sucks compared to being an angel, but that it's not that bad, and he'll always have Dean.
Warning: N/A
Beta: theamberkennedy
Word Count: 2,900
A/N: for the deancastiel Everlasting Birthday Challenge.
I.
The first time Castiel has a nightmare, he wakes up screaming. It’s after everything is over, after the war in Heaven, after Cas being completely distant and almost outwardly ignoring Dean. This doesn’t change the fact that Dean takes the steps up Bobby’s stairs two at a time and throws the guest door open panting, “Cas, are you okay?”
And physically, Cas is fine. He’s sweating a little, and his hands are shaking, but otherwise - no wounds. Nothing. Castiel bolts right up and looks at Dean with clouded eyes. “Dean,” he says breathlessly, and he wraps his arms around his chest in a way that’s so unfamiliar to Dean that it leaves him momentarily startled. “Was that real?”
Dean purses his lips and moves into the room, sitting on the bed next to Cas. “It’s okay,” he says, even though he’s not really sure if that’s the truth. “It wasn’t real. I…I think you just had a nightmare.” Dean smoothes his hand over Cas’ cheek and Cas leans into the touch, shifting closer to Dean. “You’re safe.”
Dean isn’t really happy about the fact that Castiel has been retreating from him, from everybody, but he trusts and hopes that things are going to get better - that with time, Cas will heal and things will improve. “Thank you, Dean,” Castiel murmurs, and his fingers tighten on the sleeve of Dean’s jacket. “I know…I know it’s early, for you, but will you stay? Will you stay here for tonight?”
Normally Dean and Sam switch between the couch and the floor, but Dean nods without hesitation, easily agreeing to Cas’ request. “Of course, Cas. I’ll stay with you tonight.”
He helps Castiel out of the baggy jeans he had fallen asleep in and then tucks him under the covers, crawling in next to him after he strips off his own jeans and jacket. Dean is, by default, not exactly a cuddler, but he drapes an arm over Cas’ shoulders and squeezes him to his chest protectively. “You’re safe,” he whispers, kissing Cas’ temple. “I’m here.”
Castiel hums and leans his head back, kissing Dean softly on the mouth. “I know,” he breathes, and Dean’s grip tightens.
II.
Dean had been convinced that things would improve after the first couple of nights of nightmares. Dean was always there, sometimes even with a damp washcloth to help Cas cool down (he explained to Cas that the dreams he were having were fever dreams), and sometimes he even sang Cas classic rock and hugged him around the waist. Dean wished he knew how to be there every time, how to know when Cas would roll over and fall asleep, but sometimes he just forgot. Dozed off on the couch or next to Sam with the TV on and woke up to Castiel screaming upstairs. And it was getting to the point where it was almost a habit - where Castiel would be crying by the time Dean reached him and would shy away from his touch until he realized that yes it was Dean, and that yes it wasn’t real, and that yes, Cas, everything was going to be okay. It was just a dream.
“But it hurts like it’s real,” Castiel whispers against Dean’s neck, still shaking. Dean is beginning to become fearful of the former angel’s reaction to his nightmares - even when Sammy used to have nightmares regularly, before and after Jess’ death, he never cried or shook, and maybe that was okay because it had been Sam, but this was Cas. And seeing Cas all broken up and scared was terrifying. “I can feel it, and I want to scream but no words come out. And I see him, I see Michael and I see Raphael and I see Lucifer and I…sometimes I think I see God, and he’s so angry, they’re all so angry and I don’t know what I did wrong and I can’t…I can’t even think of what to say to them, how to appease them. Their wrath…what if it is real? What if they’re coming to me in dreams, now that I’m human, and torturing my human soul? Dean, it’s so scary, it feels so real, it hurts so real.” Cas is babbling by then and Dean has to smooth his hands through Cas’ hair, over his face, and kiss him on the mouth to get him to stop talking.
“It isn’t real. They can’t find you, and they cannot hurt you within your dreams. Come on, Cas, you know this. You know this. They cannot touch you. They. Cannot. Hurt you. You are safe. I want to…I wish I could just convince you of this. Please, Cas, you’ve got to believe me. You are safer here, in this bedroom, than you have ever been. Raphael is dead, remember? Balthazar killed him a long time ago. And Michael, and Lucifer? They’re still in the pit, they’re still in Hell and they’re not coming back any time soon. And Cas. Cas, look at me.” Dean grabs Cas’ face, holding him there firmly and staring into his eyes with as much intensity as he can manage, as much honesty as he can muster. “God would never want to hurt you. God chose you, Cas, to save me. And you did exactly what you had to. He brought you back, twice, so that you could stop the apocalypse. And you did, Cas, and he let you live this human life because you wanted it. And I know it’s hard - God, I know it’s so hard, but God would never want to hurt you.” Dean feels breathless and Cas looks exhausted.
They fall against each other in the dark, on the old bed in Bobby’s guest room, and Cas clings and Dean clings and their desperation mirrors the other.
And Dean does this, keeps doing this - he protects Castiel as much as he can, tries to keep him safe from himself with his words, but he doesn’t know how to convince Cas that he can’t be hurt. The nightmares cease but are replaced by other worrisome habits. Castiel stops eating - outwardly refuses food, in fact, even the In And Out burger that Sam gets and offers in a greasy bag that Cas had taken a liking to before he had turned human. But instead of his eyes lighting up when Sam dangles the bag in front of his face at Bobby’s dining room table, Cas recoils. Like a stubborn child he looks down and burrows into himself.
It hurts for Dean to watch, but Sam doesn’t press the issue. Nobody presses the issue.
III.
“Cas?” Dean says, knocking on the bedroom door. He’s not sure what brought upon the impulse but he feels the need to check up on Cas and he waits. When he gets no answer, he pushes the door open and frowns. Cas is sitting on the bed, the light on, staring at the wall. He looks nervous. “Cas? Hey, it’s me.”
Castiel looks up but doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t seem surprised or annoyed to see Dean - simply indifferent. Then his indifference turns to sadness and his body slumps against the headboard of the bed. “Hello, Dean.”
Dean sits on the edge of the bed. “Why aren’t you sleeping? It’s almost eleven o’clock, and you’re always asleep by ten.” Dean lets his tone remain teasing, and he reaches over to clap Cas on the leg. Cas retreats and Dean tries to remember the last time he saw Cas eat. He thinks it was a morning almost a week ago, and it makes his stomach curl. He’s suddenly scared.
“I don’t…want to sleep,” Cas says, and his words are week. “It…I’m afraid.”
Dean blinks. “Afraid of what?” he asks, and then it strikes him. “Are you afraid of your nightmares? Cas. How many times do I have to tell you…?” He trails off due to the desperate expression on Dean’s face.
“They’re so vivid,” Cas explains, and the shaking of his body is completely visible, obvious and scary. Dean crawls over, next to Cas, and wraps an arm around his shoulder, pulling him to his chest. “I know you don’t understand, Dean. I couldn’t expect you to. But I would rather…I would rather die then experience those dreams alone.”
“Oh, Cas,” Dean murmurs, and he presses his lips to Cas’ forehead. “You can’t…you can’t live without sleep. You will die if you don’t do something. You’ve got to sleep.”
“Then stay,” Cas groans, quietly desperately. “Sleep here, with me. Please sleep next to me. It’s the only time I don’t have those dreams. When I’m with you, I sleep so soundly, but you refuse to follow me up the stairs and I become so sad…I’m so sad without you, and I don’t want to be a burden but I feel as if I will crumble and fall into pieces if I do not have you by my side.”
Dean grips Cas tighter and tilts his head up to kiss his lips. Cas pushes up into the kiss hungrily and Dean is surprised by the strength he still has, pushing them over so that Dean is on the bed with Cas straddling him at the hips. Dean lets Cas kiss him and kisses him back with just as much severity, tangling his fingers into Castiel’s coarse hair and letting their tongues battle it out between their mouths. He never knew. Was always so entirely oblivious.
“I’ll stay,” Dean breathes once they break apart, carding his fingers through Cas’ messy hair. “I’ll never leave.”
VI.
Despite Dean’s constant presence, Cas still seems to struggle. He begins to eat more, and he doesn’t wake up screaming, but he still has the nightmares at least once a week and his appetite isn’t exactly healthy. He shies away from Sam’s friendly touches and Bobby’s voice, and leans into Dean like he needs protection. Dean lets him, babies him in ways he knows he shouldn’t because Cas is just so vulnerable. He needs this.
“We should really find somewhere else to live,” Sam says one afternoon when they’re all settled around the TV, watching some mindless show about home decorating, and maybe that’s what brings the conversation about in the first place. “Like, we should move into a house or an apartment. Leave Bobby alone.”
Castiel’s eyes flicker from Dean to Sam nervously and he shrugs when no one else says anything. Dean speaks up, “Probably a good idea. We have been mooching off of him for a while.” Dean wouldn’t be using Bobby except that Cas is bad. Cas is still in that stage where he’s afraid and he’s not used to being human. Dean’s being to get the impression that Cas will never truly be used to being human, and if he ever does get used to it, it won’t be without consequence and major damage.
“You don’t have to worry,” Sam says warmly at Cas, who shrinks back again and watches Sam with guarded eyes. It’s one of the things Dean hates most about this situation - Cas is so far broken that he doesn’t even really trust Sam anymore. Sam had been the one he had started to lean on, towards the end. To believe in. Maybe even more so than Dean, Cas had latched onto Sam and his newfound strength and found inspiration in it. Now that Castiel has fallen, however, he no longer finds inspiration in much of anything. Just desperation.
Dean scoots closer to Cas and wraps an arm tightly around his shoulder, holding him close. Cas leans into the touch and lowers his eyes before tilting his head up and kissing Dean’s neck. Dean watches as the expression on Sam’s face flickers, but it’s too fast for Dean to really notice, back to stoic and calm in seconds. Cas’ eyes are closed now, as if he’s content, but Dean can still feel the restlessness in his muscles. Dean wishes he could just soothe it away. Fix things. He can’t.
They end up renting an apartment, two bedrooms (that Dean and Castiel will be sharing doesn’t even need to be discussed, not after the past couple of weeks), and Sam gets a job at a local library (Dean teases him for being charming to the older ladies, but in reality he’s just glad things are moving smoothly, at least in that respect). For the most part, Dean stays home with Cas and gets him used to the new place. He begins to teach him how to drive and they sleep comfortably on their new queen sized bed in the slightly cramped bedroom with few problems. Cas still sometimes wakes up, the same way Sam used to directly after Jess’ death, but he doesn’t cry or flinch away. He usually just takes a few deep breaths and then kisses Dean a couple of times before folding himself up again and falling asleep. Dean considers this progress.
Yet, Cas’ misery is unbearable.
Dean confronts him, finally. He carefully considers how to get through to Cas, but eventually he gives up, deciding to go with the punches and hope things work out.
“You’re right,” Dean says when they’re lying in bed once night, fingers playing through Cas’ hair. Castiel lifts his head and looks at Dean with dull, questioning eyes and Dean wonders what happened to his angel. He knows - knows what falling did to him - but sometimes it feels like he’s staring at a stranger. Dean’s stomach does an uncomfortable swoop and he kisses Cas’ forehead.
“Right about what?” Cas asks quietly, tongue darting out to wet his dry, cracked lips. Dean’s tempted and kisses those chapped lips. They spend a moment deepening the kiss, Dean pushing gently in Cas’ mouth with his tongue until Cas groans and breaks their lip lock, a smile on his lips. “Right about what, Dean?” he asks, and Dean’s glad that Cas can still be stubborn - still care.
“Being human sucks.” Cas’ expression becomes cautious again, eyes dark and suspicious. Dean presses a kiss to his eyelid before continuing. “But I’m here. And Sam’s here. And Bobby’s here, even. And you’re safe. I know I’ve told you this a thousand times, but I really mean it, Cas. You’re safe. In this little apartment with me, there’s nothing that can hurt you. And Sam will protect you. We’re both going to protect you.”
“Dean,” Castiel says firmly, pulling his arms out of Dean’s grip and rolling away. He turns his face so that he’s no longer looking at Dean and Dean has to hold back on his impulse to grab Cas and kiss him senseless. He resists and Cas flops back over, looking at him. “I know. But what if…when I lose you? I’m scared to lose you.”
Dean feels his heart breaking at the words and he drapes an arm over Cas’ chest protectively, pressing open mouthed kisses over his neck affectionately. Neither of them say anything for a couple of long moments before Dean sits up, hand moving to the nape of Cas’ neck and holding him steadily.
“You’re not going to lose me. We may fight, we may have disagreements and butt heads, but not matter what, Cas - hey, I’m being serious, look at me.” Dean dips his head down and pushes Cas’ chin up gently so blue and green eyes meet again. This time, Dean knows Castiel isn’t going to avert his gaze. “No matter what, I’m going to stick by your side, because you did the same for me. Didn’t you? You believed in me and my efforts and didn’t give up. And I won’t give up on you.”
Castiel lets out a shaky breath that ghosts over Dean’s face. “Dean,” he says again, roughly, and it always leaves Dean a little flustered when he can tell that Cas is about to cry. Cas leans his head back against the pillow and squeezes his eyes shut, biting down hard on his bottom lip. “Dean,” he says again, and then he sobs in that impossible way, actually racking through his body and hitting Dean like a sudden chill. Dean’s name continues to pour from Cas’ lips as he sobs, tears dripping down his face and into his hair and onto the pillow. Dean doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even comfort him with ‘Shh’s and ‘It’s okay’s because he knows that they’re pointless. That Cas just needs to let this out, let himself forgive himself.
“You saved me,” Dean says after Cas’ sobs have died down considerably and he’s just hiccoughing, wiping at his eyes and refusing to look Dean straight on. “Cas.”
“Dean,” Cas says yet again, and the name feels like it’s always belonged on his lips, in his mouth. “You’re the one who saved me.”
Dean would argue, but he realizes that it’s true. And that that is why they slot together, click like a key and lock, fit like two puzzle pieces.
He kisses Cas, ignores the taste of mucus and doesn’t mind the tired way that Cas kisses him, slow and fluid.
He can’t let go, won’t let go - he has to be there, he knows Castiel has faith, that Castiel can grow and that Castiel can change and love and be.
He doesn’t let go. He knows he’s needed.
So, he stays.