Well, Okay [jon/ryan][s/a]
Title: Well, Okay
Pairing/Character(s): Jon Walker/Ryan Ross
Rating: PG
Summary: “I know you know - you’ve known since. It happened. I know you didn’t know me very well at the time, and I didn’t…” Ryan trails off and licks his lips - it’s obvious he’s struggling for his words and Jon’s getting nervous, too. “Know you very well, either.”
Warning: Because it's for the child abuse (emotional) square, there's your warning. However, this isn't very serious/decriptive.
Beta: camatie
Word Count: 1,504
A/N: emmyatthedisco actually sort of inspired this when I first posted my hc_bingo card by saying how she'd really like Jon/Ryan to 'child abuse (emotional)' so...here it is! Not very long because I didn't want to get too into it, but I kind of like it. :)
Ryan hesitates.
“Are you okay?”
He blinks and looks down at his beer. “Um. Yes.”
Jon raises an eyebrow and licks his lips but doesn’t say anything, taking a slug of his own drink. “Okay,” he says, easily and slowly, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t really believe Ryan.
Ryan twitches in the seat next to him and then shrugs his shoulders helplessly. “Bad. Memories,” he finally says and Jon grabs a straw from the container next to the napkins and rips off the top, pulling the straw about a fourth of the way out before blowing it sharply at Ryan’s face. Ryan jumps, flinches a bit and then smiles, tossing the paper back at Jon.
Jon just watches.
--
When Ryan shies away from Jon that night Jon can’t help but frown.
“Sorry,” Ryan mutters, rolling his skinny shoulders and then rubbing his elbow like he bruised it or something. Jon looks but doesn’t see anything. “I just. Need to be alone tonight. You know?” Ryan doesn’t meet Jon’s eyes so Jon feels free to bite his lip.
“Yeah. Sure,” he agrees because he can tell that something’s wrong, he’s just not sure what it is and he’s just not sure that Ryan really wants to talk about it. “Hey,” he begins, deciding it can’t hurt to offer, “if you need to talk. You can. To me, I mean. I’ll listen.”
Ryan finally meets Jon’s gaze and he smiles, a minute twitch on the side of his mouth. “Thanks,” he says and he brushes a kiss to the side of Jon’s face, and then he sneaks into the hotel room to where he’ll share a bed with Andy. Something that Jon’s almost used to, because Ryan will do it because they need him to do it, but something that irks him nonetheless.
Jon lets out a long sigh and closes his eyes and decides tonight he’ll just take a shower and sleep.
--
It’s a bad day for Jon, and it’s a bad day for Ryan, and it doesn’t work out very well for the show or for the band, really. Andy ends up being kind of cranky after Ryan snaps at him and Ryan looks like he’s about to cry once they finish playing The Other Girl. Really, what makes Jon notice is his fingers quivering on his guitar.
It doesn’t help that Jon just overall feels like crap, either.
They do, of course, go out and talk to fans and sign things and smile. Ryan smiles a lot, little smiles and he talks to a girl who actually seems to care and Jon talks to a couple of guys who heard of them on the Internet and really, that’s really cool, but when they ask if they can buy him a drink (bother flattering and a little odd), Jon has to decline.
He sticks around until about eleven and people are getting kicked out of the venue before they get too drunk and Jon realizes he hasn’t seen Ryan in a good twenty minutes.
“Have you seen Ryan?” he asks Nick Murray to his ear (one of the girls who had been talking to Nick jumps and her friends laugh, but that’s irrelevant) and Nick twists, shrugging.
“Not for a bit,” he admits, pressing his lips together. “Are you worried…?” Nick hesitates and pushes his hair out of his face. “I think I saw him, like, a half an hour ago. He went towards the bathrooms…maybe? Maybe he’s outside.”
Jon nods and then turns and smiles at the girls who smile back - he recognizes the group, they talked to him earlier, but only for a couple of minutes - and then he steps away and towards the hall that leads to the bathrooms.
He finds the exit and steps outside, and as he expected, Ryan is standing alone on the sidewalk. His hands are stuffed into his pockets and Jon is tempted to sneak up on him and wrap his arms around Ryan’s tiny waist and kiss his neck but he decides against it.
“Hey,” he says instead and Ryan doesn’t jump or flinch or even really react except for picking up his head. He looks at Jon and Jon smiles at him, putting an arm around his shoulders. “It’s kind of chilly out here.”
Neither of them smoke, so he can’t offer that. Jon tries to figure out a way to make this less cliché.
“Do you really want to know why I’ve been avoiding you?”
Jon’s stomach clenches and he swallows. “I don’t know,” he says honestly, but his voice cracks a little. He’s scared. Of rejection, mostly.
Ryan goes quiet.
“But if it’ll help you, you should tell me.”
“It’s nothing about you.” Ryan pauses. “Not really, at least.”
Jon tries not to squirm but squeezes Ryan’s shoulder. He needs him to know that he’s here.
“I know you know - you’ve known since. It happened. I know you didn’t know me very well at the time, and I didn’t…” Ryan trails off and licks his lips - it’s obvious he’s struggling for his words and Jon’s getting nervous, too. “Know you very well, either.”
Jon runs his fingers through Ryan’s hair slowly.
“And my dad died. During tour. And it had been stressful enough, you know? I was kind of fucked up enough as it was. But then he died. And Brendon smothered me, and I know he wasn’t really…he meant well, but it didn’t…” Ryan bites his lip and Jon can hear the quivering in his voice - he’s near tears. Jon’s stomach clenches, hard. “It didn’t help. It just made me more nervous, and I really thought…I was gonna be the one to fuck things up.”
When Ryan rests his face into his hands Jon shuffles closer, pushing his nose against Ryan’s temple and kissing his cheek. He doesn’t say anything yet, though. Ryan’s not finished.
“My dad. You know. He was. He was an alcoholic. An ‘addict’ and. I know that. It still affects me.” Ryan swallows and his voice is choppy. Jon breathes quietly, listening to the things he’s heard Ryan talking to Spencer about, things he wasn’t meant to hear but couldn’t help but hear. “And Spencer’s the reason I’m here today. Which is really sad, because I haven’t talked to Spencer in months. It kind of hurts.” Jon lets out a shuddering sigh. He can understand that. “I wouldn’t be alive today if it weren’t for his sleepovers and his smiles. I’m lucky. To have met him.”
Ryan twists a little then, and his hand touches the side of Jon’s face. Jon looks up. “I’m lucky to have met you, too,” Ryan breathes, and he presses his mouth to Jon’s in the dim lights. “You know? I think you’d be surprised how much you helped me through my father’s death without knowing it. I think that’s when I first started to fall in love with you. We all fell in love with you.”
Jon chuckles and shifts off of Ryan, resting so that just their shoulders are touching. Being outside reminds him of the dark of winter, and how quickly it’s approaching. Maybe Ryan’s sharing his thoughts, because he’s looking desperately into the sky, his eyes wide and scared. Jon always knew that Ryan hated the winter. Being from Nevada made him need summer. He just needed it. He still needs it.
“Let’s just - enjoy life, okay? Enjoy what we have. That’s what we really need.”
Jon’s surprised and tilts his head to smile at Ryan. “Those are good words. Wise words,” he murmurs, and he can taste smoke drifting in the air from around the venue. It’s still quiet. “You’re right.”
“My dad made winters terrible.” Jon wonders if they’ll continue on the subject of Ryan’s father. If maybe he needs to talk about it now. “It really fucked me up. The way he acted. I was a real fuck up, honestly. Smart, maybe. Maybe I’m still smart. Somewhere.” Ryan’s voice is stiff. “Somewhere in my head. But I don’t know. Maybe I made a mistake.”
Ryan barely gets to finish before Jon’s shaking his head. “Believe me when I say you didn’t make a mistake. It hurts, Ryan, I know it hurts and it’s hard and it’s tiring but it always has been. And you’re happier now. I know you’re happier now. I can tell just by looking at you. You’ve got such a smile these days.”
Ryan twitches but then turns and takes a step back so he’s facing Jon but they’re not touching. He’s smiling though and Jon can’t help but smile back. “You know what? You’re right. Thank you.”
Jon just nods.
He’s glad.
“Let’s go back inside, shall we? Say our final farewells.”
Ryan throws back his head and laughs.
“Yeah,” he agrees, his voice breathy as he wipes at the corner of his left eye - maybe something got caught in there, maybe he was about to cry, or maybe he just laughed so hard - and they head inside.
Pairing/Character(s): Jon Walker/Ryan Ross
Rating: PG
Summary: “I know you know - you’ve known since. It happened. I know you didn’t know me very well at the time, and I didn’t…” Ryan trails off and licks his lips - it’s obvious he’s struggling for his words and Jon’s getting nervous, too. “Know you very well, either.”
Warning: Because it's for the child abuse (emotional) square, there's your warning. However, this isn't very serious/decriptive.
Beta: camatie
Word Count: 1,504
A/N: emmyatthedisco actually sort of inspired this when I first posted my hc_bingo card by saying how she'd really like Jon/Ryan to 'child abuse (emotional)' so...here it is! Not very long because I didn't want to get too into it, but I kind of like it. :)
Ryan hesitates.
“Are you okay?”
He blinks and looks down at his beer. “Um. Yes.”
Jon raises an eyebrow and licks his lips but doesn’t say anything, taking a slug of his own drink. “Okay,” he says, easily and slowly, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t really believe Ryan.
Ryan twitches in the seat next to him and then shrugs his shoulders helplessly. “Bad. Memories,” he finally says and Jon grabs a straw from the container next to the napkins and rips off the top, pulling the straw about a fourth of the way out before blowing it sharply at Ryan’s face. Ryan jumps, flinches a bit and then smiles, tossing the paper back at Jon.
Jon just watches.
--
When Ryan shies away from Jon that night Jon can’t help but frown.
“Sorry,” Ryan mutters, rolling his skinny shoulders and then rubbing his elbow like he bruised it or something. Jon looks but doesn’t see anything. “I just. Need to be alone tonight. You know?” Ryan doesn’t meet Jon’s eyes so Jon feels free to bite his lip.
“Yeah. Sure,” he agrees because he can tell that something’s wrong, he’s just not sure what it is and he’s just not sure that Ryan really wants to talk about it. “Hey,” he begins, deciding it can’t hurt to offer, “if you need to talk. You can. To me, I mean. I’ll listen.”
Ryan finally meets Jon’s gaze and he smiles, a minute twitch on the side of his mouth. “Thanks,” he says and he brushes a kiss to the side of Jon’s face, and then he sneaks into the hotel room to where he’ll share a bed with Andy. Something that Jon’s almost used to, because Ryan will do it because they need him to do it, but something that irks him nonetheless.
Jon lets out a long sigh and closes his eyes and decides tonight he’ll just take a shower and sleep.
--
It’s a bad day for Jon, and it’s a bad day for Ryan, and it doesn’t work out very well for the show or for the band, really. Andy ends up being kind of cranky after Ryan snaps at him and Ryan looks like he’s about to cry once they finish playing The Other Girl. Really, what makes Jon notice is his fingers quivering on his guitar.
It doesn’t help that Jon just overall feels like crap, either.
They do, of course, go out and talk to fans and sign things and smile. Ryan smiles a lot, little smiles and he talks to a girl who actually seems to care and Jon talks to a couple of guys who heard of them on the Internet and really, that’s really cool, but when they ask if they can buy him a drink (bother flattering and a little odd), Jon has to decline.
He sticks around until about eleven and people are getting kicked out of the venue before they get too drunk and Jon realizes he hasn’t seen Ryan in a good twenty minutes.
“Have you seen Ryan?” he asks Nick Murray to his ear (one of the girls who had been talking to Nick jumps and her friends laugh, but that’s irrelevant) and Nick twists, shrugging.
“Not for a bit,” he admits, pressing his lips together. “Are you worried…?” Nick hesitates and pushes his hair out of his face. “I think I saw him, like, a half an hour ago. He went towards the bathrooms…maybe? Maybe he’s outside.”
Jon nods and then turns and smiles at the girls who smile back - he recognizes the group, they talked to him earlier, but only for a couple of minutes - and then he steps away and towards the hall that leads to the bathrooms.
He finds the exit and steps outside, and as he expected, Ryan is standing alone on the sidewalk. His hands are stuffed into his pockets and Jon is tempted to sneak up on him and wrap his arms around Ryan’s tiny waist and kiss his neck but he decides against it.
“Hey,” he says instead and Ryan doesn’t jump or flinch or even really react except for picking up his head. He looks at Jon and Jon smiles at him, putting an arm around his shoulders. “It’s kind of chilly out here.”
Neither of them smoke, so he can’t offer that. Jon tries to figure out a way to make this less cliché.
“Do you really want to know why I’ve been avoiding you?”
Jon’s stomach clenches and he swallows. “I don’t know,” he says honestly, but his voice cracks a little. He’s scared. Of rejection, mostly.
Ryan goes quiet.
“But if it’ll help you, you should tell me.”
“It’s nothing about you.” Ryan pauses. “Not really, at least.”
Jon tries not to squirm but squeezes Ryan’s shoulder. He needs him to know that he’s here.
“I know you know - you’ve known since. It happened. I know you didn’t know me very well at the time, and I didn’t…” Ryan trails off and licks his lips - it’s obvious he’s struggling for his words and Jon’s getting nervous, too. “Know you very well, either.”
Jon runs his fingers through Ryan’s hair slowly.
“And my dad died. During tour. And it had been stressful enough, you know? I was kind of fucked up enough as it was. But then he died. And Brendon smothered me, and I know he wasn’t really…he meant well, but it didn’t…” Ryan bites his lip and Jon can hear the quivering in his voice - he’s near tears. Jon’s stomach clenches, hard. “It didn’t help. It just made me more nervous, and I really thought…I was gonna be the one to fuck things up.”
When Ryan rests his face into his hands Jon shuffles closer, pushing his nose against Ryan’s temple and kissing his cheek. He doesn’t say anything yet, though. Ryan’s not finished.
“My dad. You know. He was. He was an alcoholic. An ‘addict’ and. I know that. It still affects me.” Ryan swallows and his voice is choppy. Jon breathes quietly, listening to the things he’s heard Ryan talking to Spencer about, things he wasn’t meant to hear but couldn’t help but hear. “And Spencer’s the reason I’m here today. Which is really sad, because I haven’t talked to Spencer in months. It kind of hurts.” Jon lets out a shuddering sigh. He can understand that. “I wouldn’t be alive today if it weren’t for his sleepovers and his smiles. I’m lucky. To have met him.”
Ryan twists a little then, and his hand touches the side of Jon’s face. Jon looks up. “I’m lucky to have met you, too,” Ryan breathes, and he presses his mouth to Jon’s in the dim lights. “You know? I think you’d be surprised how much you helped me through my father’s death without knowing it. I think that’s when I first started to fall in love with you. We all fell in love with you.”
Jon chuckles and shifts off of Ryan, resting so that just their shoulders are touching. Being outside reminds him of the dark of winter, and how quickly it’s approaching. Maybe Ryan’s sharing his thoughts, because he’s looking desperately into the sky, his eyes wide and scared. Jon always knew that Ryan hated the winter. Being from Nevada made him need summer. He just needed it. He still needs it.
“Let’s just - enjoy life, okay? Enjoy what we have. That’s what we really need.”
Jon’s surprised and tilts his head to smile at Ryan. “Those are good words. Wise words,” he murmurs, and he can taste smoke drifting in the air from around the venue. It’s still quiet. “You’re right.”
“My dad made winters terrible.” Jon wonders if they’ll continue on the subject of Ryan’s father. If maybe he needs to talk about it now. “It really fucked me up. The way he acted. I was a real fuck up, honestly. Smart, maybe. Maybe I’m still smart. Somewhere.” Ryan’s voice is stiff. “Somewhere in my head. But I don’t know. Maybe I made a mistake.”
Ryan barely gets to finish before Jon’s shaking his head. “Believe me when I say you didn’t make a mistake. It hurts, Ryan, I know it hurts and it’s hard and it’s tiring but it always has been. And you’re happier now. I know you’re happier now. I can tell just by looking at you. You’ve got such a smile these days.”
Ryan twitches but then turns and takes a step back so he’s facing Jon but they’re not touching. He’s smiling though and Jon can’t help but smile back. “You know what? You’re right. Thank you.”
Jon just nods.
He’s glad.
“Let’s go back inside, shall we? Say our final farewells.”
Ryan throws back his head and laughs.
“Yeah,” he agrees, his voice breathy as he wipes at the corner of his left eye - maybe something got caught in there, maybe he was about to cry, or maybe he just laughed so hard - and they head inside.