(no subject)
i've been at the cricket. i have been drinking beer in the sunlight, which never does me any good anyway. I am sunburnt. A bit.
I have stayed ot drinking a lot later than i should have simply because the company was so good.
I have been mischievous (i don't care how that's spelt). I have been funny.
I have had a massive fucking headache for nearly six hours, and all the drinking and smoking has not helped me. well duh
My eyes hurt, my skin hurts, my back and shoulders itch (i'm probably burnt from Saturday too, i haven't looked). but...
.
i have been thinking. "Archimedes thinking", the sort i do best. Filling up on ideas drawn from everywhere, and I have played with these thoughts, explored them, turned them over, thrown them out at / to people and seen what they have done with them. And then i threw them into the cooking pot in my head and seen what they've made. The last, being not a fabulous analogy because some ideas did not make it into the theory, but i think you'll get my point.
So, the point.
Belief.
I know I'm delusional, so fuck off if you have any criticisms along those lines.
I'm like a ghost, or a fairy, or a demon. I only really exist when i'm believed in. I have nothing, and i am nothing until i am believed in.
I get the feeling that i go through life a lot like a shadow, not alive, not dead. Hardly there sometimes. Influencing the world around me, but not taking a direct and evidencible (evidentiary?) action. I think i made both those words up.
All that changes when i believe in myself. When i believe. I become real. I become strong. I become all those things that i choose to be, all those things that i really am. Or i should be. Or maybe i just fancy myself to be. Perhaps, that last thought is a creation of disbelief, and thus damaging to me, the supernatural creature, that cannot truly exist without belief. Maybe i've killed it right here.
I'm such a heretic at times, and such a disbeliever. Where i got these traits is a different matter, and not important right now, but something that needs to be tracked down in the future.
Being a heretic, and especially about self belief, i hold myself back. I fetter myself, and those chains are heavy, and i cannot shake them off or get free. Then someone comes along.
That someone believes in me. That someone takes those chains and shows me that they are just as string, something that anyone could break. All this time i'm seeing something that could anchor the QEII, and it's really been no more than fairy floss on my sleeve.
Someone shows me that it is possible to believe, and suddenly i believe. I harden, i become solid, real, tangible. I feel. I exist.
They believe in me, and that shows me that it is possible to do so, and that makes me believe. And when i believe in myself, the real, tangible me, walks on the face of this earth. Then others begin to believe, and with each believer, i become stronger, more tangible, more real, hyperreal, to quote my old and much admired English lecturer.
I'm real. It's been a while. I walk the earth, the believers and the acolytes gather.
I thank you. I cannot ever tell you how much i thank you.
Without you, i am nothing.
I love you.
I have stayed ot drinking a lot later than i should have simply because the company was so good.
I have been mischievous (i don't care how that's spelt). I have been funny.
I have had a massive fucking headache for nearly six hours, and all the drinking and smoking has not helped me. well duh
My eyes hurt, my skin hurts, my back and shoulders itch (i'm probably burnt from Saturday too, i haven't looked). but...
.
i have been thinking. "Archimedes thinking", the sort i do best. Filling up on ideas drawn from everywhere, and I have played with these thoughts, explored them, turned them over, thrown them out at / to people and seen what they have done with them. And then i threw them into the cooking pot in my head and seen what they've made. The last, being not a fabulous analogy because some ideas did not make it into the theory, but i think you'll get my point.
So, the point.
Belief.
I know I'm delusional, so fuck off if you have any criticisms along those lines.
I'm like a ghost, or a fairy, or a demon. I only really exist when i'm believed in. I have nothing, and i am nothing until i am believed in.
I get the feeling that i go through life a lot like a shadow, not alive, not dead. Hardly there sometimes. Influencing the world around me, but not taking a direct and evidencible (evidentiary?) action. I think i made both those words up.
All that changes when i believe in myself. When i believe. I become real. I become strong. I become all those things that i choose to be, all those things that i really am. Or i should be. Or maybe i just fancy myself to be. Perhaps, that last thought is a creation of disbelief, and thus damaging to me, the supernatural creature, that cannot truly exist without belief. Maybe i've killed it right here.
I'm such a heretic at times, and such a disbeliever. Where i got these traits is a different matter, and not important right now, but something that needs to be tracked down in the future.
Being a heretic, and especially about self belief, i hold myself back. I fetter myself, and those chains are heavy, and i cannot shake them off or get free. Then someone comes along.
That someone believes in me. That someone takes those chains and shows me that they are just as string, something that anyone could break. All this time i'm seeing something that could anchor the QEII, and it's really been no more than fairy floss on my sleeve.
Someone shows me that it is possible to believe, and suddenly i believe. I harden, i become solid, real, tangible. I feel. I exist.
They believe in me, and that shows me that it is possible to do so, and that makes me believe. And when i believe in myself, the real, tangible me, walks on the face of this earth. Then others begin to believe, and with each believer, i become stronger, more tangible, more real, hyperreal, to quote my old and much admired English lecturer.
I'm real. It's been a while. I walk the earth, the believers and the acolytes gather.
I thank you. I cannot ever tell you how much i thank you.
Without you, i am nothing.
I love you.