barf fly
sunday night i won some money playing poker with a guy, his wife, and 3 friends. monday night i lost some money playing poker with a different guy and his different wife and 3 other friends.
later monday night at hole in the wall:
i stopped in to have a drink before coming home. i got my beer, walked out back, and lit up a cigarette. walked to an empty table to sit and shake off the stun gun effect that a cold crisp monday night poker loss gives a guy, but before i can sit down...
bar hag: awww don't sit there with that dirty ash tray!
jake: (puzzled stun gun look) well.... uhhh
bar hag: come on, sit over here
jake: (this should be interesting) *sits down* thanks that was a close one. dirty ash tray. whew.
4 silent minutes of smoking and staring around the patio
bar hag: *sigh* when the young ones start to look young you know you're getting old... that guy looks like he's 20
jake: i'm 21
bar hag: i'm twice that and then some
2 marlas walk by. marlas are those hyde park barista hipster beer fairies that are usually with a guy who has a lot of pins attatched to his clothes and goop in his hair. emo glasses are also a frequent sight. i like marlas. i don't have a band or an eyesight affliction or a lot of money to accessorize though. these 2 are alone. their boys must be at home doing something pretentious like practicing their wispy indie rock singing voices or shopping for messenger bags online or ... blogging.
the marlas approach the table with the dirty ash tray
bar hag: awwww don't sit there with that dirty ash tray!
marlas: (puzzled) well... where should we sit?
bar hag: right over here!
i smile that "help me this bus has been hijacked" smile at them as they walk past to sit at the table behind me. at this point i'm too tired to do anything but stare at the wilted flower in front of me. watching this woman's life happen in front of me is the equivalent of watching the snow channel that you get when your cable isn't hooked up.
i say something clever right here, i don't remember what it is.
bar hag: oh you just said that because you're drunk
i look at my half empty half full glass
jake: first beer of the night actually
bar hag: oh, well i'm drunk. aaaaand stooned!
jake: oh, word
bar hag: whens your birthday?
jake: the 20th of this month actually, coupla weeks
bar hag: ohhh a cappy. capricorn!
jake: (fucking zodiac shit? for real?) its the cusp day actually, right between capricorn and aquarius, thats why i never really got into the whole zodiac thing, i don't really know which i'm supposed to be or whatever. i think i'm technically an aquarius
bar hag: no no honey i can tell you're a capricorn, just like my neice.
jake: well, what are capricorns supposed to be like?
bar hag: well... you're very meticulous, organized (she trails off here)
jake: if i was meticulous and organized i wouldn't have tried to sit over there with the dirty ash tray
bar hag: oh you're just organized on a different level... you're a writer aren't you?
jake: yeah, actually (why the hell not)
-some more boring banter- and then
bar hag: well i'm gonna go meet the rest of my party...
jake: tata
-----------------------------
as she's walking away a friend of mine randomly pops up, walking toward my table.
jake: holy shit man i'm glad i ran into you, i've been listening to this weird bar hag talk about dirty ash trays and zodiac signs and shit for like 20 minutes. you just walked past her, she said she's going to meet the rest of her party.... theres no party
friend: the party is 6 taps behind the bar in there
we're waiting for friend number 2 to show up
jake: (grin) oh shit she's coming back
bar hag sits down and turns to friend
bar hag: are you a writer too?
jake: hey why don't you try and guess his zodiac sign!
friend blows some smoking rings and continues the text conversation he's been having since he sat down
jake: i bet he's a scorpio. he smokes like a scorpio. don't you think he smokes like a scorpio?
bar hag: well i'd say he...-
friend: cancer (takes another puff)
bar hag: ohhh that makes sense because-
friend: have you ever been fucked in the ass, lady?
-----
she tells us all about it.
she goes off to meet her "party" again.
she exits the bar through the back door.
-----
friend number 2 shows up
jake: don't sit there, the ash trays dirty.
later monday night at hole in the wall:
i stopped in to have a drink before coming home. i got my beer, walked out back, and lit up a cigarette. walked to an empty table to sit and shake off the stun gun effect that a cold crisp monday night poker loss gives a guy, but before i can sit down...
bar hag: awww don't sit there with that dirty ash tray!
jake: (puzzled stun gun look) well.... uhhh
bar hag: come on, sit over here
jake: (this should be interesting) *sits down* thanks that was a close one. dirty ash tray. whew.
4 silent minutes of smoking and staring around the patio
bar hag: *sigh* when the young ones start to look young you know you're getting old... that guy looks like he's 20
jake: i'm 21
bar hag: i'm twice that and then some
2 marlas walk by. marlas are those hyde park barista hipster beer fairies that are usually with a guy who has a lot of pins attatched to his clothes and goop in his hair. emo glasses are also a frequent sight. i like marlas. i don't have a band or an eyesight affliction or a lot of money to accessorize though. these 2 are alone. their boys must be at home doing something pretentious like practicing their wispy indie rock singing voices or shopping for messenger bags online or ... blogging.
the marlas approach the table with the dirty ash tray
bar hag: awwww don't sit there with that dirty ash tray!
marlas: (puzzled) well... where should we sit?
bar hag: right over here!
i smile that "help me this bus has been hijacked" smile at them as they walk past to sit at the table behind me. at this point i'm too tired to do anything but stare at the wilted flower in front of me. watching this woman's life happen in front of me is the equivalent of watching the snow channel that you get when your cable isn't hooked up.
i say something clever right here, i don't remember what it is.
bar hag: oh you just said that because you're drunk
i look at my half empty half full glass
jake: first beer of the night actually
bar hag: oh, well i'm drunk. aaaaand stooned!
jake: oh, word
bar hag: whens your birthday?
jake: the 20th of this month actually, coupla weeks
bar hag: ohhh a cappy. capricorn!
jake: (fucking zodiac shit? for real?) its the cusp day actually, right between capricorn and aquarius, thats why i never really got into the whole zodiac thing, i don't really know which i'm supposed to be or whatever. i think i'm technically an aquarius
bar hag: no no honey i can tell you're a capricorn, just like my neice.
jake: well, what are capricorns supposed to be like?
bar hag: well... you're very meticulous, organized (she trails off here)
jake: if i was meticulous and organized i wouldn't have tried to sit over there with the dirty ash tray
bar hag: oh you're just organized on a different level... you're a writer aren't you?
jake: yeah, actually (why the hell not)
-some more boring banter- and then
bar hag: well i'm gonna go meet the rest of my party...
jake: tata
-----------------------------
as she's walking away a friend of mine randomly pops up, walking toward my table.
jake: holy shit man i'm glad i ran into you, i've been listening to this weird bar hag talk about dirty ash trays and zodiac signs and shit for like 20 minutes. you just walked past her, she said she's going to meet the rest of her party.... theres no party
friend: the party is 6 taps behind the bar in there
we're waiting for friend number 2 to show up
jake: (grin) oh shit she's coming back
bar hag sits down and turns to friend
bar hag: are you a writer too?
jake: hey why don't you try and guess his zodiac sign!
friend blows some smoking rings and continues the text conversation he's been having since he sat down
jake: i bet he's a scorpio. he smokes like a scorpio. don't you think he smokes like a scorpio?
bar hag: well i'd say he...-
friend: cancer (takes another puff)
bar hag: ohhh that makes sense because-
friend: have you ever been fucked in the ass, lady?
-----
she tells us all about it.
she goes off to meet her "party" again.
she exits the bar through the back door.
-----
friend number 2 shows up
jake: don't sit there, the ash trays dirty.