Nothing and nowhere is golden
I'm not ready to go back. I don't think I ever will be. This year sucks. Period. There's way too much pressure. It's like so much is riding on this...and I just want to sleep away the days. Everything I want is compromised and I can't really do anything about it because that's just the way it is. Oh well. Too bad. How much can one person change, really? Desperate and ravenous. So weak and powerless. Will there be a reward at the end of this all or will the unfulfilling bullshit continue until our dying day? If that's the case, why postpone the dying day? Everyone's complying and waiting this out in the hopes that there will be what they really want at the end of the tunnel. Will that even happen? Is this just one of those "grass is greener on the other side" situations? Just look at the weather. It's barren. It ranges from cold to mild. There's no snow. It's been like this since, what, September? Will anything ever change? Will we ever be able to breathe? To actually inhale and exhale without wheezing or gasping or sighing? In grade eleven things were going so well. I had a past I was finally letting go of, a future I was looking forward to, and a present I was enriching. I was comfortable with myself and the way things were. Now I look at the past bitterly and the future hopelessly. And the present...I guess I just wait for it to turn into the past. I don't do tarot cards anymore. I haven't watched Waking Life in ages. I'm lacking spiritual fulfillment and personal reflection. I don't see any promising different path to find solace. Anytime I try to reflect or be spiritual I get bored and fall asleep. I'm truly set to autopilot and apathy prevents me from taking the wheel. I'm so sick of the way things have to be.
I really did not mean to make such a bitter entry. So it goes.
I really did not mean to make such a bitter entry. So it goes.