Dimwit? Wha... ?
Readers of my LiveJounal, I would like to start off my entry by telling you the definition of a dimwit. Merriam-Webster defines it as "a stupid or mentally slow person ". I would also like to tell you the definition of nincompoop. Merriam-Webster defines it as "fool, simpleton". What is a simpleton? It is a person lacking in common sense. Now if you have not figured out the subject of tonights entry, let me inform you. Jennifer, a.k.a. Neck Pains. So how do my definitions and Jennifer connect? Let me inform you.
(In my entry, Neck Pains is the person and neck pains are the pains in my neck.)
The grand String Cheese incident. What happened you ask? Well, it was a beautiful day. More lovely than the smell of grandma's cookies. Yum! It was an uneventful day at work. Here I was scanning a customers items. Neck Pains was "bagging" for me. I soon established in the middle of the order that this customer was her mother. I get to Kroger Cow Pals String cheese. Yum! I scan it and lay it down on the conveyer belt and send it down. Neck Pains then assumed she was funny and told me that the string cheese (without doubt) looks like a dildo. If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Here was a new bagger that has worked for a week and told me that string cheese looks like a dildo. Not only to me, but her mom heard her! Holy shit, if I was her parental unit, I would take a Butternut Squash and slap her with it. So here I am dumbfounded, flabergasted! I was speechless. I seriously just wanted to take the "didlo" and slap her and tell her "Don't play with toys you'll never be able to play with until you get a man. Wait, you can't get one. TOO FUCKING STUPID!"
Let us think about the many uses for tape. Hanging up posters, taping homework after "our dog ate it", and many other useful things. So how can tape make Neck Pains an idiot? Simple. She took a roll of Scotch® tape, pulled out some tape, and taped her nose! Through my mind ran two things: "Don't bother taping your nose, there is no brain to be able to fall out" and "Holy fucking shit, what have I done to see this?!" Being a nice guy I am, I ignore this and ask her what is she doing. She responds with, "I'm cleaning out my pores." Wow, and to think Jessica Simpson is an idiot...
So I am enjoying a day at work without neck pains. I miss those days. It was a slow day. As ussual, all the cashier and baggers go and huddle around register 11. We get to a point in our conversation that we start talking about all the stupid things that Jennifer said. My friend, Laura, then tells me one day when she was working with Neck Pains she had asked if Laura had seen Scary Movie 2(?) where that guy in the wheel chair gives himself a blowjob. She then proceeds to ask what that white stuff was. As much as that would be a good thing for her not knowing what that is, but her knowing what a dildo was and not knowing what "that white stuff" was, I became... I do not know. How the hell does a person not know what that white stuff is?! I knew all about sex when I was in like 2nd grade. There is always that kid with the porn mags in your classes. I personally have not seen those mags, but friends of mine who have seen them from those kids told me about them. I mean, imagine her getting laid (I know that will never happen, but the guy was strongly intoxicated by Neck Pains) and the guy unloads. She'll then proceed to ask him what the hell he just put on her. Now guys, if the girl you are making magic with asked you what that white stuff was, how would you feel? What the fuck ARE you supposed to say? Or perhaps this guy is heavily intoxicated, and she proceeds to give him a BJ. After the job, she will probably yell at the guy for spitting at her this white, sticky stuff. Serioulsy, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE GUY GOING TO THINK?!
Plastic bags. We use them for many uses also. Well, I concluded what Neck Pains likes to do with them. She likes to whiff them. This is one of my proofs on why she is such an idiot. It was yet another day with Neck Pains and neck pains. I was on register 11 looking around because I did not have any customers. I look at her and she gives me that fucking smile again and then procceds to tell me, "I like the smell of plastic bags." I did not know if I should be scared or worried. All I knew was that I wanted to take a bag and choke myself and spare myself of future encounters of such remarks. How does somebody reply to that kind of comment?!
Today, I was enjoying a nice rest on register 11. To the side of me is Neck Pains. Kill me now. She then takes out a quarter. She looks at the Keypad for the credit/debit thing (Fuckers, damn debits!). She then claims, "I'm going to slide my quarter." Wow. After that, she asks, "Why won't it scan?" I think it is self explanatory what I was thinking and what I wanted to do...
Asses. Something guys love. If somebody asked me, "Paul, would you want a girl to have a perfect ass or a perfect chest?" I would reply with a perfect ass (but I would go with both). So today, once again, screwing around not doing anything at work. Max was up in the front end. Jennifer then asked Max if she had a nice ass. Thankfully she did not ask me, because this is what I would have replied with, "FUCK NO! If an ass is round it would recieve action, like a wheel would roll because it is round. Your ass is flat, it will NOT recieve any action. NO!" Now she asked Max. When you yourself know you do not have something, why bother asking if it is nice? It is practically asking for rejection and making yourself sound/look stupid.
Another day at work with Neck Pains and neck pains. Once again, no fucking customers around. I was minding my business, fiddling with a pen. Then out of nowhere, Neck pains then decided to tell me, "Paul, you should shave your unibrow." Being the suave guy I am, I replied with, "Jennifer, when you yourself do not look attractive nor appealing, do not give me any tips on how to make myself better looking." Ouch, that shut her up for a good 5 minutes (that is a fucking lot...) Now what I said was really a soft verison as what I was thinking. I was thinking of saying, "Holy shit, Jennifer you look a hell of a lot worse than I do. I frankly do not need your pathetic advice on how to make myself look better simply because you ARE ugly, you have THE worst simle, you deserve to swallow a acorn squash whole and suffer the pain and agony, you are fat, I do not blame your friends for being assholes to you, I have no pity for your mom taking YOUR paycheck, so I hope you die on an overdose of Atlantic Ocean Plankton... BURN!" I might have thrown in some "fucks' here and there, some with the suffix -ing also. Minor details.
She never shuts up. She says stupid things in front of customers. Like once, she was arguing with herself on how to pronounce "Malboro", the cigarettes, in front of a customer. Argh, I just want to stuff a peanut in her eye!
As a person, I like to tell the truth. Even if I verbally say a lie, people know the truth and what I really mean and I acknowledge it the truth even though I said a lie. But at times, I like to things that cause pain in the neck region Fucked up, I know. So one day, with Neck Pains and neck pains, she asked me if she was pretty. Quickly in my mind, I knew if I took too long to think of an answer, she would know I would lie. So, I then proceed to inform, "Yes, you are." In reality, her looks could not even win over a rock. In fact, it could roll over a rock over a hill that would roll down and destroy a village because the rock would be too afraid of being related to Jennifer. Really, I think she knew I was lying. Wow, why does she even bother asking for an answer she knows?
What is my solution to the problem? Simple. Kroger not only should do a drug test, but try to get the results back. Not only that, but require to give an IQ Test. This will root out all imbeciles, Jennifer, from Kroger. I mean tihnk about how easy it would be. Paint a black line down the center or a paper and ask the people what do they think it is. Jennifer will say it looks like a burnt dildo and she would not get hired. Problem solved! Yay! Hoorah! But NO! They do not do it! FUCKERS! Same as those fuckers that created debit cards!
Here is even better idea! Customers should be qualified by IQ to shop at ANY store. That way, we do not have stupid fucks sueing Mickey Dees because his fucking 23rd burger made his sorry ass fat. Yeah, that is right fat fucker!
In conclusion, I would like to give a few words of wisdom. When people tell you safe sex is better than unprotected sex, they are right. With safe sex, you do not have to worry about getting the chick pregnant with a child. If you have unprotected sex, you might get her pregnant. If she does get pregnant, she might produce a child like Jennifer. Thus, save humanity by having safe sex from now on so people like Jennifer do not get produced as an "accident". Better yet, don't try to make a "souvenir" on vacation because you might make a child that will torment many people in the area it grows up in.
-Paul
(In my entry, Neck Pains is the person and neck pains are the pains in my neck.)
The grand String Cheese incident. What happened you ask? Well, it was a beautiful day. More lovely than the smell of grandma's cookies. Yum! It was an uneventful day at work. Here I was scanning a customers items. Neck Pains was "bagging" for me. I soon established in the middle of the order that this customer was her mother. I get to Kroger Cow Pals String cheese. Yum! I scan it and lay it down on the conveyer belt and send it down. Neck Pains then assumed she was funny and told me that the string cheese (without doubt) looks like a dildo. If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Here was a new bagger that has worked for a week and told me that string cheese looks like a dildo. Not only to me, but her mom heard her! Holy shit, if I was her parental unit, I would take a Butternut Squash and slap her with it. So here I am dumbfounded, flabergasted! I was speechless. I seriously just wanted to take the "didlo" and slap her and tell her "Don't play with toys you'll never be able to play with until you get a man. Wait, you can't get one. TOO FUCKING STUPID!"
Let us think about the many uses for tape. Hanging up posters, taping homework after "our dog ate it", and many other useful things. So how can tape make Neck Pains an idiot? Simple. She took a roll of Scotch® tape, pulled out some tape, and taped her nose! Through my mind ran two things: "Don't bother taping your nose, there is no brain to be able to fall out" and "Holy fucking shit, what have I done to see this?!" Being a nice guy I am, I ignore this and ask her what is she doing. She responds with, "I'm cleaning out my pores." Wow, and to think Jessica Simpson is an idiot...
So I am enjoying a day at work without neck pains. I miss those days. It was a slow day. As ussual, all the cashier and baggers go and huddle around register 11. We get to a point in our conversation that we start talking about all the stupid things that Jennifer said. My friend, Laura, then tells me one day when she was working with Neck Pains she had asked if Laura had seen Scary Movie 2(?) where that guy in the wheel chair gives himself a blowjob. She then proceeds to ask what that white stuff was. As much as that would be a good thing for her not knowing what that is, but her knowing what a dildo was and not knowing what "that white stuff" was, I became... I do not know. How the hell does a person not know what that white stuff is?! I knew all about sex when I was in like 2nd grade. There is always that kid with the porn mags in your classes. I personally have not seen those mags, but friends of mine who have seen them from those kids told me about them. I mean, imagine her getting laid (I know that will never happen, but the guy was strongly intoxicated by Neck Pains) and the guy unloads. She'll then proceed to ask him what the hell he just put on her. Now guys, if the girl you are making magic with asked you what that white stuff was, how would you feel? What the fuck ARE you supposed to say? Or perhaps this guy is heavily intoxicated, and she proceeds to give him a BJ. After the job, she will probably yell at the guy for spitting at her this white, sticky stuff. Serioulsy, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE GUY GOING TO THINK?!
Plastic bags. We use them for many uses also. Well, I concluded what Neck Pains likes to do with them. She likes to whiff them. This is one of my proofs on why she is such an idiot. It was yet another day with Neck Pains and neck pains. I was on register 11 looking around because I did not have any customers. I look at her and she gives me that fucking smile again and then procceds to tell me, "I like the smell of plastic bags." I did not know if I should be scared or worried. All I knew was that I wanted to take a bag and choke myself and spare myself of future encounters of such remarks. How does somebody reply to that kind of comment?!
Today, I was enjoying a nice rest on register 11. To the side of me is Neck Pains. Kill me now. She then takes out a quarter. She looks at the Keypad for the credit/debit thing (Fuckers, damn debits!). She then claims, "I'm going to slide my quarter." Wow. After that, she asks, "Why won't it scan?" I think it is self explanatory what I was thinking and what I wanted to do...
Asses. Something guys love. If somebody asked me, "Paul, would you want a girl to have a perfect ass or a perfect chest?" I would reply with a perfect ass (but I would go with both). So today, once again, screwing around not doing anything at work. Max was up in the front end. Jennifer then asked Max if she had a nice ass. Thankfully she did not ask me, because this is what I would have replied with, "FUCK NO! If an ass is round it would recieve action, like a wheel would roll because it is round. Your ass is flat, it will NOT recieve any action. NO!" Now she asked Max. When you yourself know you do not have something, why bother asking if it is nice? It is practically asking for rejection and making yourself sound/look stupid.
Another day at work with Neck Pains and neck pains. Once again, no fucking customers around. I was minding my business, fiddling with a pen. Then out of nowhere, Neck pains then decided to tell me, "Paul, you should shave your unibrow." Being the suave guy I am, I replied with, "Jennifer, when you yourself do not look attractive nor appealing, do not give me any tips on how to make myself better looking." Ouch, that shut her up for a good 5 minutes (that is a fucking lot...) Now what I said was really a soft verison as what I was thinking. I was thinking of saying, "Holy shit, Jennifer you look a hell of a lot worse than I do. I frankly do not need your pathetic advice on how to make myself look better simply because you ARE ugly, you have THE worst simle, you deserve to swallow a acorn squash whole and suffer the pain and agony, you are fat, I do not blame your friends for being assholes to you, I have no pity for your mom taking YOUR paycheck, so I hope you die on an overdose of Atlantic Ocean Plankton... BURN!" I might have thrown in some "fucks' here and there, some with the suffix -ing also. Minor details.
She never shuts up. She says stupid things in front of customers. Like once, she was arguing with herself on how to pronounce "Malboro", the cigarettes, in front of a customer. Argh, I just want to stuff a peanut in her eye!
As a person, I like to tell the truth. Even if I verbally say a lie, people know the truth and what I really mean and I acknowledge it the truth even though I said a lie. But at times, I like to things that cause pain in the neck region Fucked up, I know. So one day, with Neck Pains and neck pains, she asked me if she was pretty. Quickly in my mind, I knew if I took too long to think of an answer, she would know I would lie. So, I then proceed to inform, "Yes, you are." In reality, her looks could not even win over a rock. In fact, it could roll over a rock over a hill that would roll down and destroy a village because the rock would be too afraid of being related to Jennifer. Really, I think she knew I was lying. Wow, why does she even bother asking for an answer she knows?
What is my solution to the problem? Simple. Kroger not only should do a drug test, but try to get the results back. Not only that, but require to give an IQ Test. This will root out all imbeciles, Jennifer, from Kroger. I mean tihnk about how easy it would be. Paint a black line down the center or a paper and ask the people what do they think it is. Jennifer will say it looks like a burnt dildo and she would not get hired. Problem solved! Yay! Hoorah! But NO! They do not do it! FUCKERS! Same as those fuckers that created debit cards!
Here is even better idea! Customers should be qualified by IQ to shop at ANY store. That way, we do not have stupid fucks sueing Mickey Dees because his fucking 23rd burger made his sorry ass fat. Yeah, that is right fat fucker!
In conclusion, I would like to give a few words of wisdom. When people tell you safe sex is better than unprotected sex, they are right. With safe sex, you do not have to worry about getting the chick pregnant with a child. If you have unprotected sex, you might get her pregnant. If she does get pregnant, she might produce a child like Jennifer. Thus, save humanity by having safe sex from now on so people like Jennifer do not get produced as an "accident". Better yet, don't try to make a "souvenir" on vacation because you might make a child that will torment many people in the area it grows up in.
-Paul