HOLY CRAP I'M ON LJ
WOW.
i haven't made a post on this in over a year. god, i'm surprised lj didn't get mad and delete my account or something. and you know what's weird and also PATHETIC? just about the same shit is going on in my life as before. i feel so weird about this i don't know what to do. i feel like i could just pick up where i left off a year ago and no one who reads this (which is maybe like one person) would be lost at all. hahahaha. okay. so, i think when i last posted i wasn't working at pizza hut, but now i'm back, which sucks. i really liked my office job, but business was slow and i guess it had to be only a matter of time before they let me go. i'm hoping to go back and help for tax season. and as much as pizza hut sucks, i have more of a life now than i did when i wasn't there. almost all of my closest friends are there...it's like a family. but it's kinda sick how i see the same customers all the time and they're always like "still here, huh?" it's so insulting. but oh well. someday i'll get up and do something.
so yeah, i'm getting to the reason i actually decided to dig this up again. i needed a place to vent about travis. actually, i just basically want to say how STUPID i feel for wasting so much time (and money) on him. seriously, i pretty much took care of him for what, like 8 months or some shit? what the fuck was i thinking?? i should've caught on when all my family said they didn't like him and he wasn't good for me and all those other things i should've listened to at the time but i didn't because, um, he was hot. and we fucked like rabbits. and it was awesome....for a while. we'd said at the beginning we weren't going to be in a relationship, which was fine with me at first, but then i started to really care about him and it all went downhill from there. i'm too nice not to help someone i care about, so i helped him. ALL the time. i knew it was stupid at the time, because i knew it would all end soon anyway. for those who don't know, he has a looooonng police record. he'd done time in prison. yep. he seemed so nice and so sweet when we started seeing each other, so at first i couldn't believe it. he was so thoughtful and funny and i was such a stupid girl. once i knew the stories behind his felonies and stuff i got scared because he was on "good behavior" for life, which basically means if he gets in trouble again they're taking him back to prison for a good long time. but i was stupid, and i was like well he hasn't been in any more trouble in years, so it's probably okay and maybe he's changed and blah blah blah bullshit. i was obviously wrong. skip ahead to june of this year. we went to virginia beach for a vacation with his roommate and his roommate's girlfriend. everything was okay until travis and his roommate started fighting about some stupid crap, and basically we coupled ourselves off the rest of the trip and had nothing to do with them. travis and i had fun. but a few days later, his roommate decided to kick him out, which I TOLD HIM would happen but he didn't listen. so a few days later he got in a fight with this guy, and the guy pressed charges (obviously), and i cried my eyes out because i knew i'd never see him again. then i screamed at him for stomping on my heart on purpose when he knew he'd go back to prison or have to run away or something. yeah, i was stupid, don't laugh. i was really sad at the time. no, i'll admit, i was hysterical. i knew it had to end sometime, but it was so sudden that it freaked me out, and i was mad at him because he could've prevented it and he didn't because he's a dumbass. the next two weeks were hell. we spent every day trying to figure out what to do, and every night talking about "us" which killed me. he ended up taking a bus to washington state in early july. it was, at the time, the worst day ever. i cried the whole day, and for a little while after that i didn't really know what to do with myself. when he was here we were always together, and we always did things with his friends (who i never really liked all that much), so it was weird without him. my brother broke up with his girlfriend around that same time, and i remember one night he came home all depressed... we just hugged each other and cried for a really long time. after that, i felt so much better. i realized that i'd been so caught up in travis i didn't have time for my brother anymore, and i love my brother so very much. we talked a lot after travis left, and i told him i was sorry and i really missed him. it was like the sun came out, or something. i got to be me again and care about myself for once instead of worrying all the time about travis. it's been such a relief since he's been gone. every now and then i miss the fun times... i know i've been making this whole thing out to be really horrible, but we actually did have fun together. he was like a best friend, which was most of the reason i got so sad when he left. but now i'm so glad he's gone for good. we talk every once in a while to see what's going on, but i'm sure we'll lose touch at some point. i honestly couldn't care either way. i'm over it and i've moved on and so has he so it's all good. i just really needed to say that i was sooooo stupid, and it makes me laugh, because now i'm so happy and i know it's mostly because he's not here.
more tomorrow. i'm sleepy.
i haven't made a post on this in over a year. god, i'm surprised lj didn't get mad and delete my account or something. and you know what's weird and also PATHETIC? just about the same shit is going on in my life as before. i feel so weird about this i don't know what to do. i feel like i could just pick up where i left off a year ago and no one who reads this (which is maybe like one person) would be lost at all. hahahaha. okay. so, i think when i last posted i wasn't working at pizza hut, but now i'm back, which sucks. i really liked my office job, but business was slow and i guess it had to be only a matter of time before they let me go. i'm hoping to go back and help for tax season. and as much as pizza hut sucks, i have more of a life now than i did when i wasn't there. almost all of my closest friends are there...it's like a family. but it's kinda sick how i see the same customers all the time and they're always like "still here, huh?" it's so insulting. but oh well. someday i'll get up and do something.
so yeah, i'm getting to the reason i actually decided to dig this up again. i needed a place to vent about travis. actually, i just basically want to say how STUPID i feel for wasting so much time (and money) on him. seriously, i pretty much took care of him for what, like 8 months or some shit? what the fuck was i thinking?? i should've caught on when all my family said they didn't like him and he wasn't good for me and all those other things i should've listened to at the time but i didn't because, um, he was hot. and we fucked like rabbits. and it was awesome....for a while. we'd said at the beginning we weren't going to be in a relationship, which was fine with me at first, but then i started to really care about him and it all went downhill from there. i'm too nice not to help someone i care about, so i helped him. ALL the time. i knew it was stupid at the time, because i knew it would all end soon anyway. for those who don't know, he has a looooonng police record. he'd done time in prison. yep. he seemed so nice and so sweet when we started seeing each other, so at first i couldn't believe it. he was so thoughtful and funny and i was such a stupid girl. once i knew the stories behind his felonies and stuff i got scared because he was on "good behavior" for life, which basically means if he gets in trouble again they're taking him back to prison for a good long time. but i was stupid, and i was like well he hasn't been in any more trouble in years, so it's probably okay and maybe he's changed and blah blah blah bullshit. i was obviously wrong. skip ahead to june of this year. we went to virginia beach for a vacation with his roommate and his roommate's girlfriend. everything was okay until travis and his roommate started fighting about some stupid crap, and basically we coupled ourselves off the rest of the trip and had nothing to do with them. travis and i had fun. but a few days later, his roommate decided to kick him out, which I TOLD HIM would happen but he didn't listen. so a few days later he got in a fight with this guy, and the guy pressed charges (obviously), and i cried my eyes out because i knew i'd never see him again. then i screamed at him for stomping on my heart on purpose when he knew he'd go back to prison or have to run away or something. yeah, i was stupid, don't laugh. i was really sad at the time. no, i'll admit, i was hysterical. i knew it had to end sometime, but it was so sudden that it freaked me out, and i was mad at him because he could've prevented it and he didn't because he's a dumbass. the next two weeks were hell. we spent every day trying to figure out what to do, and every night talking about "us" which killed me. he ended up taking a bus to washington state in early july. it was, at the time, the worst day ever. i cried the whole day, and for a little while after that i didn't really know what to do with myself. when he was here we were always together, and we always did things with his friends (who i never really liked all that much), so it was weird without him. my brother broke up with his girlfriend around that same time, and i remember one night he came home all depressed... we just hugged each other and cried for a really long time. after that, i felt so much better. i realized that i'd been so caught up in travis i didn't have time for my brother anymore, and i love my brother so very much. we talked a lot after travis left, and i told him i was sorry and i really missed him. it was like the sun came out, or something. i got to be me again and care about myself for once instead of worrying all the time about travis. it's been such a relief since he's been gone. every now and then i miss the fun times... i know i've been making this whole thing out to be really horrible, but we actually did have fun together. he was like a best friend, which was most of the reason i got so sad when he left. but now i'm so glad he's gone for good. we talk every once in a while to see what's going on, but i'm sure we'll lose touch at some point. i honestly couldn't care either way. i'm over it and i've moved on and so has he so it's all good. i just really needed to say that i was sooooo stupid, and it makes me laugh, because now i'm so happy and i know it's mostly because he's not here.
more tomorrow. i'm sleepy.