(no subject)
On the bright side… camp was wonderful. On the negative side… Mike wasn’t.
Let me start with camp. The kids are wonderful. I have about 20 kids in grades K-3 that I do activities with and then twice a week I teach music and songs for an hour. It’s really great. I have a few rambunctious boys, but they are still young enough that they respect me, which is why it works out.
Mike’s job is probably the easiest and most fun job at camp. He is not responsible for any individual kids, or for having a program together really. He plays games like red light green light and stuff with 3 other leaders, and the other counselors are there and responsible for their own kids.
In any case.. he was in a good mood because of his job this year.
So we get to his house and he starts playing wow with his brother. I asked if we could go get my laptop so I wasn’t dying of boredom… his brother’s response… “well, we won’t play for long today.” Okay… so I’m supposed to fucking sit there and do absolutely nothing for an hour or two while you raid?
So Mike knew I was pissed so he drove me to my apartment. As I was getting my stuff ready he made it clear he wanted to hook up. Now for anyone who knows me, Mike is the first guy I’ve really been intimate with.. so this is always a big deal with me. So since I haven’t been feeling so great about us, I really haven’t felt like anything for myself, and I usually just do things for him now. Apparently, after a solid 5 or 6 times of this happening, he’s too dense to pick up on anything. Many times, he doesn't even bother to ask now. So in any case, I took care of him and then we fell asleep together.
So I had a bad dream and in my sleep I jumped out of bed freaked out. Instead of asking me if I was okay, Mike then decided to get mad at me. He got out of bed, told me to grab my shit and come with him to his house or he was leaving without me. I tried to be cute and a bit whiney and said “wait… come cuddle a bit.” And he said “No, I’m awake now,” and through his tone I knew he was blaming me for what happened. I goofed around a bit and he just got angrier and angrier. Eventually, he just left.
Now, I’m sitting in my bed, that still smells like him, by myself. I have no car, no friends, and he knows that. I feel cheap, and at this point I don’t think I ever want him to touch me again.
My boyfriend snaps at me randomly, tells me I’m stupid, and makes fun of my passion for music and theater. He doesn’t understand me, and he doesn’t try to. The only time he’s nice to me is when he knows he’s treated me like shit, or when he wants me to touch his penis. And right now, rather than cuddle his girlfriend… he chose World of Warcraft.
I am officially giving up. The ball is in his court now.
If there is no change come August 14th when I move to MA, we are finished. I deserve to be loved and I am not stupid. I also deserve to be with someone who isn’t obsessed with a video game and who doesn’t yell at me when I interrupt him and his game.
I hate being alone, but maybe I need to be. I’m not any happier right now than I was when I was single.
My best friend had a little situation
At the end of our senior year
And like a shot, she and Mitchell got married that summer
Carolann getting bigger every minute
Thinking, "What am I doing here?"
While Mitchell's out every night
Being a heavy-metal drummer
They got a little cute house on a little cute street
With a crucifix on the door
Mitchell got a job at the record store in the mall
Just the typical facts of a typical life in a town on the Eastern Shore
I thought about what I wanted
It wasn't like that at all
Made Carolann a cute baby sweater
Thinking "I can do better than that"
In a year or so, I moved to the city
Thinking "What have I got to lose?"
Got a room, got a cat, and got twenty pounds thinner
Met a guy in a class I was taking who you might say
Looked like Tom Cruise
He wouldn't leave me alone 'less I went with him to dinner
And I guess he was cute
And I guess he was sweet
ANd I guess he was good in bed
I gave up my life for a better part of a year
And so I'm starting to think that this maybe might work
And the second it entered my head
He needed to take some time off
Focus on his "career"
He blew me off with a heartfelt letter
I thought "I can do better than that"
You don't have to get a haircute
You don't have to change your shoes
You don't have to like Duran Duran
Just love me
You don't have to put the seat down
You don't have to watch the news
You dont' have to learn to tango
You don't have to eat prosciutto
You don't have to change a thing
Just stay with me
I want you and you and nothing but you
Miles and piles of you
Finally I'll have something worthwhile
To think about each morning
You and you and nothing but you
No substitution will do
Nothing but fresh, undiluted and pure
Top of the line and totally mine!
I don't need any lifetime commitments
I don't need to get hitched tonight
I don't want to throw up your walls and defenses
I don't mean to put on any pressure
But I know what a thing is right
And I spend every day reconfiguring my sense
When we get to my house, take a look at that town
Take a look at how far I've gone
I will never go back
Never look back anymoure
And it feels like my life led right to your side
And will keep me there from now on
Think about what you wanted
Think about what could be
THink about how I love you
Say you'll move in with me
Think of what's great about me and you
Think of the bullshit we've both been through
Think of what's past because we can do better!
We can do better!
We can do better than that!
We can do better than that!