wtf.
I rested up this weekend, which was nice.
Got a little wedding planning done. Still overwhelmed.
Depressed. I think the weather is getting to me.
Some times I really sit back and think about life and think that I'm not going to be able to handle it. I think I'm going to make a terrible parent because I'm so selfish and impatient and have a horrible temper. But I know I'm expected to have children. There is a part of me that wants that, and thinks that my mind would completely change if I had one...but I'm scared.
I don't want my life to stop so I can start taking care of someone else's. Someone I will rear only to have them jump the nest. I don't think I understand the love or courage it takes to do this.
I don't know what the fuck I want. All I know is that it's tiresome. I think about the future and I cringe, I just want to lay down and sleep and never wake up. I seriously think I'm going to commit suicide some day. This just feels like a straight up fact to me. I think I've felt this way since I was thirteen.
Morbid, huh?
So maybe I have something wrong with me.. I shouldn't be so tired all the time. I shouldn't feel so anxious all the time either, and I shouldn't have to be obsessed and addicted to something to drive me through the day.
I feel like our system does a shit-tacular job of assessing people's mental problems. So I have no faith in it.
What do I want? Maybe I am one of those people that would do better in a warmer, sunnier climate. And I want to live a humble life, a quiet one, with a lot of good art, music, books, and food. With a few really loving relationships.
sigh. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I think today I'm just really sleepy, cold, hungry, and anxious. Which is equalling depression pretty hardcore.
I'm a very emotionally needy person. I need to be told that I'm loved over and over and over... what the fuck is up with that?? It's annoying! It's not like I forget but it's like I NEED to hear it to make sure it isn't... wearing off? Which is ridiculous because I've never "run out" of love for someone I've come to love. So why I think other people are capable of doing so is beyond me.
I guess I'm masturbatory. I need to hear it because it makes me feel good. I am always doing things that specifically make myself feel good, even over other people. Selfish. But it's part of the human condition, isn't it? we're living organisms, animals, with survival instincts. I guess this is just a part of that.
Ugh this rant has gone cattywompus.
I hope y'all are having a better day then I am!
Got a little wedding planning done. Still overwhelmed.
Depressed. I think the weather is getting to me.
Some times I really sit back and think about life and think that I'm not going to be able to handle it. I think I'm going to make a terrible parent because I'm so selfish and impatient and have a horrible temper. But I know I'm expected to have children. There is a part of me that wants that, and thinks that my mind would completely change if I had one...but I'm scared.
I don't want my life to stop so I can start taking care of someone else's. Someone I will rear only to have them jump the nest. I don't think I understand the love or courage it takes to do this.
I don't know what the fuck I want. All I know is that it's tiresome. I think about the future and I cringe, I just want to lay down and sleep and never wake up. I seriously think I'm going to commit suicide some day. This just feels like a straight up fact to me. I think I've felt this way since I was thirteen.
Morbid, huh?
So maybe I have something wrong with me.. I shouldn't be so tired all the time. I shouldn't feel so anxious all the time either, and I shouldn't have to be obsessed and addicted to something to drive me through the day.
I feel like our system does a shit-tacular job of assessing people's mental problems. So I have no faith in it.
What do I want? Maybe I am one of those people that would do better in a warmer, sunnier climate. And I want to live a humble life, a quiet one, with a lot of good art, music, books, and food. With a few really loving relationships.
sigh. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I think today I'm just really sleepy, cold, hungry, and anxious. Which is equalling depression pretty hardcore.
I'm a very emotionally needy person. I need to be told that I'm loved over and over and over... what the fuck is up with that?? It's annoying! It's not like I forget but it's like I NEED to hear it to make sure it isn't... wearing off? Which is ridiculous because I've never "run out" of love for someone I've come to love. So why I think other people are capable of doing so is beyond me.
I guess I'm masturbatory. I need to hear it because it makes me feel good. I am always doing things that specifically make myself feel good, even over other people. Selfish. But it's part of the human condition, isn't it? we're living organisms, animals, with survival instincts. I guess this is just a part of that.
Ugh this rant has gone cattywompus.
I hope y'all are having a better day then I am!