Did I Update about AZ Winter Missions?
Hmm.. It seems like I go so often to AZ and I update my journal so little that every other LJ entry seems like it's about Arizona. Hahah. Dang, I realize how much I love those kids though. I even went through a short post-partum depression being away from them. This trip was PARTICULARLY hard to say goodbye though. I have SOOO many deep thoughts on this issue though I don't think I could talk about it right now... ehh.. but I'll try. =)
I've always considered short term mission trips questionable because it's hard to make an impact in a community when you're only there a couple days out of the year. It feels like such a selfish experience cause when you leave, you're garanteed a spiritual high, but like the kids are still stuck in poverty sad situations. But wow, at Whiteriver (the site our church comes back to every summer/winter) we're building and growing real relationships. Partially cause of the church's commitment to the site and because of commited youths that come back regularly. Anyways, it's heart breaking EVERY TIME. =( It feels worse then breaking up with someone. =( Sigh... for them and for us. But you know what that tells me? Our relationship is REAL and our impact in these kids lives are REAL. You know? Or else it wouldn't get HARDER and HARDER to say goodbye everytime. The sad part is that it hurts more and more. I guess you can't really invest in these kids without being vulnerable. But it HURTS SO BAD. I got to some team members.. We all feel like our hearts seriously can't take the pain.. it almost feels burdensome to initiate this relationship with them.. and when they fall away from God or get mixed into bad situations it hurts too.. It was good to all share our selfish thoughts. It's like, if I knew how much pain it would cause me, I wouldn't have signed up. That's seriously what we were feeling.. If I knew I was gonna cause this much heartbreak to these kids, I wish I never knew them. Dang, who knew such nice people could have such selfish thoughts.. But it was the truth of what we were feeling.
It kind of reveals to me how God initiates a relationship with us though.. God knows there are gonna be people who fall away, who disobey, who turn, who stray, and even betray. But STILL He initiates this love relationship with us. Wow God, it's not easy to love me huh? =) I'm sad to say, but I think this chapter with AZ is closing. =( I'm not sure how long, but I do feel like God is leading me away from AZ and toward Japan. I'm gonna try hard, REALLY I'll try, to remain in contact through letters with these kids. Yeah, and I will definately continue to keep these kids in my prayers.
Bleh... This is where I abruptly stop.
I've always considered short term mission trips questionable because it's hard to make an impact in a community when you're only there a couple days out of the year. It feels like such a selfish experience cause when you leave, you're garanteed a spiritual high, but like the kids are still stuck in poverty sad situations. But wow, at Whiteriver (the site our church comes back to every summer/winter) we're building and growing real relationships. Partially cause of the church's commitment to the site and because of commited youths that come back regularly. Anyways, it's heart breaking EVERY TIME. =( It feels worse then breaking up with someone. =( Sigh... for them and for us. But you know what that tells me? Our relationship is REAL and our impact in these kids lives are REAL. You know? Or else it wouldn't get HARDER and HARDER to say goodbye everytime. The sad part is that it hurts more and more. I guess you can't really invest in these kids without being vulnerable. But it HURTS SO BAD. I got to some team members.. We all feel like our hearts seriously can't take the pain.. it almost feels burdensome to initiate this relationship with them.. and when they fall away from God or get mixed into bad situations it hurts too.. It was good to all share our selfish thoughts. It's like, if I knew how much pain it would cause me, I wouldn't have signed up. That's seriously what we were feeling.. If I knew I was gonna cause this much heartbreak to these kids, I wish I never knew them. Dang, who knew such nice people could have such selfish thoughts.. But it was the truth of what we were feeling.
It kind of reveals to me how God initiates a relationship with us though.. God knows there are gonna be people who fall away, who disobey, who turn, who stray, and even betray. But STILL He initiates this love relationship with us. Wow God, it's not easy to love me huh? =) I'm sad to say, but I think this chapter with AZ is closing. =( I'm not sure how long, but I do feel like God is leading me away from AZ and toward Japan. I'm gonna try hard, REALLY I'll try, to remain in contact through letters with these kids. Yeah, and I will definately continue to keep these kids in my prayers.
Bleh... This is where I abruptly stop.