Truth in Advertising
I am so sick of people saying one thing in their personal ad, but actually meaning something else altogether. It's a waste of my time, and it pisses me off. If you are a heavy drinker, that's fine, that's your choice and you are welcome to it. However, I will be mightily pissed off if you hide behind the label of "social drinker" but then reveal to me on our third date that you "socially drink" every evening, and sometimes at lunch. So here is an analysis of the most common mis-statements by guys in internet dating:
Funny Guy: Watching Will Ferrel movies does not make you a funny guy any more than me watching two dudes fucking each other makes me a gay man. Unfortunately for you, your exposure to something does not mean that you will necessarily be endowed with the qualities of that which you were exposed to. Watching lots of comedy without actually being funny yourself will usually mean that you are still using a Borat accent as your comedic crutch, and thinking that it is damn hilarious. Let me assure you, it is not.
No Drama: I call bullshit on this. Dudes say this all the time, but what they really mean is, "I don't want to listen to you bitch. Ever." There is a huge difference between drama and non-drama stuff that sucks, and guys need to learn it. If I come home from work and say, "Crap, work sucked so much today. I had to skip lunch to get everything done, plus my boss was in such a bad mood," this does not qualify as drama. It qualifies as telling you about my day, and expressing my unhappiness with the way it went. Drama is completely different, and believe you me when I tell you that you will definitely know when you are dealing with it. Until then, shut the fuck up and have some empathy for the person you want to put your dick into.
Cuddly/Teddy Bear: Just say that you are fat. Or overweight. Or whatever. Unless you are actually covered in fur and full of polyester plush filling, you are not a teddy bear, you are a fat man. Guys* hate hate HATE it when fat girls hide behind the labels of "curvy" and "voluptuous." So please, don't be stupid and try to pull the same bullshit on us. Just be honest, because we already know what these labels mean, you aren't fooling anyone.
Looking for a woman who is as comfortable in jeans as a cocktail dress: This generally means that you want everything, and that usually you don't know what you want until you aren't getting it. You want a woman who is laid back enough and tom-boyish enough to drink beer and watch football with your buddies. But you also want that same woman to be the sort who spends a lot of time doing her hair, putting on makeup and wearing impractical shoes. And you want her to know before you do which version of her you want to wake up to each morning. Grow up, figure out what you want, and then ask for it.
Looking for a woman with an athletic build: You are actually looking for a skinny girl, but have convinced yourself that you aren't that shallow. Let me clue you in on something guys: I have known a lot of girls who are/were very athletic. Swimmers, weight lifters, runners, gymnasts, tennis players and many others. Swimmers have huge shoulders. Runners and gymnasts have legs so toned they are kind of alien looking. Guys aren't looking for these things when they use the term athletic. What they mean to say is: Looking for a girl who goes to the gym. Going to the gym is much different than being athletic.
I want to make it clear that I do not think that men are the only ones who lie in their personal ads. Women are devious, lying little minxes who can not be trusted. But that isn't what this entry was about, so please don't start a fight about it. Perhaps later I will post a lies-girls-tell version, but not tonight.
*For the record, girls who actually have curves (breasts, hips, etc) hate it too, because it means they can't use the label for fear that other people will assume they are fat.
Funny Guy: Watching Will Ferrel movies does not make you a funny guy any more than me watching two dudes fucking each other makes me a gay man. Unfortunately for you, your exposure to something does not mean that you will necessarily be endowed with the qualities of that which you were exposed to. Watching lots of comedy without actually being funny yourself will usually mean that you are still using a Borat accent as your comedic crutch, and thinking that it is damn hilarious. Let me assure you, it is not.
No Drama: I call bullshit on this. Dudes say this all the time, but what they really mean is, "I don't want to listen to you bitch. Ever." There is a huge difference between drama and non-drama stuff that sucks, and guys need to learn it. If I come home from work and say, "Crap, work sucked so much today. I had to skip lunch to get everything done, plus my boss was in such a bad mood," this does not qualify as drama. It qualifies as telling you about my day, and expressing my unhappiness with the way it went. Drama is completely different, and believe you me when I tell you that you will definitely know when you are dealing with it. Until then, shut the fuck up and have some empathy for the person you want to put your dick into.
Cuddly/Teddy Bear: Just say that you are fat. Or overweight. Or whatever. Unless you are actually covered in fur and full of polyester plush filling, you are not a teddy bear, you are a fat man. Guys* hate hate HATE it when fat girls hide behind the labels of "curvy" and "voluptuous." So please, don't be stupid and try to pull the same bullshit on us. Just be honest, because we already know what these labels mean, you aren't fooling anyone.
Looking for a woman who is as comfortable in jeans as a cocktail dress: This generally means that you want everything, and that usually you don't know what you want until you aren't getting it. You want a woman who is laid back enough and tom-boyish enough to drink beer and watch football with your buddies. But you also want that same woman to be the sort who spends a lot of time doing her hair, putting on makeup and wearing impractical shoes. And you want her to know before you do which version of her you want to wake up to each morning. Grow up, figure out what you want, and then ask for it.
Looking for a woman with an athletic build: You are actually looking for a skinny girl, but have convinced yourself that you aren't that shallow. Let me clue you in on something guys: I have known a lot of girls who are/were very athletic. Swimmers, weight lifters, runners, gymnasts, tennis players and many others. Swimmers have huge shoulders. Runners and gymnasts have legs so toned they are kind of alien looking. Guys aren't looking for these things when they use the term athletic. What they mean to say is: Looking for a girl who goes to the gym. Going to the gym is much different than being athletic.
I want to make it clear that I do not think that men are the only ones who lie in their personal ads. Women are devious, lying little minxes who can not be trusted. But that isn't what this entry was about, so please don't start a fight about it. Perhaps later I will post a lies-girls-tell version, but not tonight.
*For the record, girls who actually have curves (breasts, hips, etc) hate it too, because it means they can't use the label for fear that other people will assume they are fat.