On the bright side, if this is rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up!
I'm so afriad to admit all this, for it may tarnish my "happy-cheery-positive thinking!" reputation, but I've been working on changing things in my life that make me unhappy, but I still feel that for every step forward I take 10 back. I'm still disgusted with myself for various things; gluttony and materialism (I am not really materialistic, but dangle craft supplies, books, earrings, or pretty pretty dresses in my face and I melt like butter) being the top reasons. I've been walking everyday, and i LOVE it. But i'm always sooo hungry! I eat healthy stuff, like relaly healthy stuff, but it doesn't work. I always go back for ice cream. I make wise choices when out to dinner, but I blow it at home. Thing is, I know my patterns. I SHOULD anticipate things, but I don't. I know that eating junk makes me feel like junk when I try to walk/jog/run in the mornings, but somehow... I still eat it. I KNOW that I'm just barely fitting into my size 10 H&M jeans (and have size 7 jeans as my goal), but i still eat the junk. I've been working out religiously... everyday this week for an hour... (hell, i even got up at 7:30 for one workout!) and I know that if I combined that with healthy eating, i'd lose weight. But no. I give in too easlity because i can rationalize anything.
I'm so disgusted. I hate the tight feeling of my jeans. I hate feeling to big. I thought i was normal, but i feel liek I'm huge. I don't know what to do. I hate being to.. obsessed. It feels like I'm obsessed.
I don't get it. Some days, everything makes sense. It's easy for me to do what I should. Then the next day, I ignore everythign I know I should do and do instead what I know I shouldn't. Granted, the next day I can pick up where I left off, but its not the point. I have to be consistent.
For example, materialism. I've been reading this book called "Affluenza", and I realized just how materialistic our society is. In short, we work long hours at jobs we hate... why? To have money... to buy "stuff" that we think will make us happy. Only it doesn't. Thsi "stuff" only pollutes our air, tarnishes our land, makes our children sicker, fatter, greedier,and leaves us with pangs of guilt. The book discusses how stores like Wal-mart are bad for our neighborhoods (we should patronize local businesses instead) and our world neighbors (most likely to use severely underpaid workers from other contries). I realized how i contribute to this problem. So what did i do the VERY same day that I read those first few chapters (last Thursday)? Went to the new Wal-Mart that opened near my house and bought stuff to make s'mores and 2 t-shirts for friends. My thoughts? I felt bad for going there, but then again, it's not as if we have a local market to but the s'mores stuff... and I'd never see those -shirts in another store, so I might as well. And tonight my parents and I stopped in. As I stood in the craft aisle while visions of making my own dress danced in my head, I contemplated coming back when i had more time to buy some patterns and fabric. Jigga-WHAT? Me, "save-the-world" Patti contemplated buying a pattern from a store that violates so many unfair practices?
"Save-the-world." Yes, indeed; that's what I want to do. Seriously. But I feel so tangled up in my own "stuff" that I don't even know where to begin. I'm tryign to help others in my life as best as I can. But right now, I feel like I need someone. It's hard to find nowadays. I don't feel liek anyone listens to me. Or they do, followed by a "hey that's great- oh, how would you like to take out the garbage?" or "Oh, your aunt did the same thing last night" or "Well, that's good that you ______[mirror of what I just said]." Actually, there is one person who really listens to me in my family- my aunt. She always asks me questions about what i do, and I know she's genuinely interested. At different times different people are supportive, but in general, they're driving me nuts. I love them, but they are. I have to tiptoe around everything I say or do; I have to do things at a certain time, etc. I don't think they realize how much of each of them and their problems that i take in. I always think about my aunt and her chronic back pain; my mom's unfair spot of being put in hte middle of EVERYTHING; my aunt and her 50,000 responsibilities; my dad's dreams of car repairs/renovations that are always defered; his health; the fact that no one seems to remember what happened to my sister and the way my cousin the lawyer is forever on a pedastal anyways; my grandmothers' health; my great aunt's unhappiness; health of everyone in my family; my aunt's chronic neck pain; in general the fact that everyone is frazzled, angry at each other, complaining, talking about one another, unhappy and unhealthy. I try and make their lives as easier as I can, but i'm overwhelemed. All my friends have major things going on , too. I empathize with their troubles in the same way, too. My friends are my family, so it almost feels as if my boyfriend is going into the service or my parents are splitting up and so on. I feel liek I want to save them all, but I don't knwo where to begin. After spending a few days w/ them in Michigan City (and a few days of orientation w/ Evelyn), I feel so much closer to htem. I want to keep that up, but I'm so overwhelmed that i'm very inconsistent.
I think that's about it. Sorry this is so random, but i wrote stuff as I thought of it.
I'm so disgusted. I hate the tight feeling of my jeans. I hate feeling to big. I thought i was normal, but i feel liek I'm huge. I don't know what to do. I hate being to.. obsessed. It feels like I'm obsessed.
I don't get it. Some days, everything makes sense. It's easy for me to do what I should. Then the next day, I ignore everythign I know I should do and do instead what I know I shouldn't. Granted, the next day I can pick up where I left off, but its not the point. I have to be consistent.
For example, materialism. I've been reading this book called "Affluenza", and I realized just how materialistic our society is. In short, we work long hours at jobs we hate... why? To have money... to buy "stuff" that we think will make us happy. Only it doesn't. Thsi "stuff" only pollutes our air, tarnishes our land, makes our children sicker, fatter, greedier,and leaves us with pangs of guilt. The book discusses how stores like Wal-mart are bad for our neighborhoods (we should patronize local businesses instead) and our world neighbors (most likely to use severely underpaid workers from other contries). I realized how i contribute to this problem. So what did i do the VERY same day that I read those first few chapters (last Thursday)? Went to the new Wal-Mart that opened near my house and bought stuff to make s'mores and 2 t-shirts for friends. My thoughts? I felt bad for going there, but then again, it's not as if we have a local market to but the s'mores stuff... and I'd never see those -shirts in another store, so I might as well. And tonight my parents and I stopped in. As I stood in the craft aisle while visions of making my own dress danced in my head, I contemplated coming back when i had more time to buy some patterns and fabric. Jigga-WHAT? Me, "save-the-world" Patti contemplated buying a pattern from a store that violates so many unfair practices?
"Save-the-world." Yes, indeed; that's what I want to do. Seriously. But I feel so tangled up in my own "stuff" that I don't even know where to begin. I'm tryign to help others in my life as best as I can. But right now, I feel like I need someone. It's hard to find nowadays. I don't feel liek anyone listens to me. Or they do, followed by a "hey that's great- oh, how would you like to take out the garbage?" or "Oh, your aunt did the same thing last night" or "Well, that's good that you ______[mirror of what I just said]." Actually, there is one person who really listens to me in my family- my aunt. She always asks me questions about what i do, and I know she's genuinely interested. At different times different people are supportive, but in general, they're driving me nuts. I love them, but they are. I have to tiptoe around everything I say or do; I have to do things at a certain time, etc. I don't think they realize how much of each of them and their problems that i take in. I always think about my aunt and her chronic back pain; my mom's unfair spot of being put in hte middle of EVERYTHING; my aunt and her 50,000 responsibilities; my dad's dreams of car repairs/renovations that are always defered; his health; the fact that no one seems to remember what happened to my sister and the way my cousin the lawyer is forever on a pedastal anyways; my grandmothers' health; my great aunt's unhappiness; health of everyone in my family; my aunt's chronic neck pain; in general the fact that everyone is frazzled, angry at each other, complaining, talking about one another, unhappy and unhealthy. I try and make their lives as easier as I can, but i'm overwhelemed. All my friends have major things going on , too. I empathize with their troubles in the same way, too. My friends are my family, so it almost feels as if my boyfriend is going into the service or my parents are splitting up and so on. I feel liek I want to save them all, but I don't knwo where to begin. After spending a few days w/ them in Michigan City (and a few days of orientation w/ Evelyn), I feel so much closer to htem. I want to keep that up, but I'm so overwhelmed that i'm very inconsistent.
I think that's about it. Sorry this is so random, but i wrote stuff as I thought of it.