Disconnected Thoughts

Dec 03, 2006 19:35

My tour in Germany is almost done. I didn't really get any travel time in, but I had a job to do; that is the most important thing. I have seen Ramstein Village, Kaiserslautern, Heidleberg and the Black Forest. I got to eat authentic German cuisine and see how the culture works here. Like I said, I would have loved to have done more, but time would not permit. I still have a little over a month, and I'll try and make the best of it. However, I fear that my severe depression also played a huge factor as well. It has been a turbulent 2 years, especially the past year. No one really ever know why, due to the fact that I don't like people getting close to me. Some things and emotions are just too painful to discuss I assume, I don't like to burden people with my feelings. Plus, I don't think anyone is too concerned...not that I want pity or people to feel bad' it's just that everyone I know has a lot on their plate, it would be selfish of me to assume that anyone in particular could just "be there" at my disposal 24/7. I think I should start utilizing this journal for getting my thoughts down and out rather than just some update tool. I also realized on this tour that I never have, don't nor will I ever fit in. I'm a loner, and I think I have come to terms with that. I know that people really don't fully accept me, and that's fine. I know I don't judge people or think they're peculiar off the bat, but if they want to do that to me, that's their choice. I do feel lonely sometimes. I haven't really made any true friends in the past 3 years. It's hard to in the military, one minute they're there, the next minute is the last time you'll ever see them again. I have made one great friend, but I have succeeded in shutting her out. I'm sure if I called and explained things to her, she would understand; I'm just not ready yet. I need to fully take in all that has happened, process and then accept. I'm not ready to really let anyone in. It makes me sad to hear or read about my friends from life before the military talk about how scary it is to be on the brink of adulthood, that's when it hit me. I've been out of my childhood for years now. On March 16, 2004, the moments before I stepped on the bus to go to the airport for basic were my last moments of my childhood. That last moment where I turned around and waved good-bye to my parents was really the moment I turned around and waved goody-bye to my adolescence. From that moment on, I became an adult with much responsibility that no one will ever comprehend. Experiences that many people will not go through. I no longer was allowed ot lead a carefree, whatever whenever I want lifestyle. I don't even know how that makes me feel. I do know that somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I feel that anyone who grew up with me would be disappointed. Selfishly, I sometimes get jealous seeing pictures of my old friends still hanging out and connecting. Some of which I haven't seen in almost 3 years. All I have are memories. One really good thing has come from this four month seclusion, I have found my calling. I will be going to school to become a vet tech. I know that this will be something that drives me to get up in the mornings. Something that'll I'll enjoy doing day in and day out. I know you can't ever know for sure, but somehow I do. I guess I'll see.
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