Don't Forget About Carrie
The internal wreckage has been quite hard to conceal in the last few weeks. It has been spilling over into all aspects of my life. I've noticed that I have been quite hostile with people who I don't know, but annoy me. There have been people that I didn't know harass me. In both instances, I wanted to fight them. Not teach them a lesson, or anything silly like that, but to have them absorb all the anger, frustration, fear, and nihilism that is wracking my body. To give you an idea, I have been feeling constrictions in my aorta. Yesterday, I banged the wall with my forearm, and roared. I didn't realize how loud it was, until the cops came over while we were having house church. They thought it was a domestic disturbance, and doug told them what was going on with me. They were very understanding, but I told them of my embarrassment, and that they were right to be out here. I've been paying attention to myself, and there are many red flags coming up. I am seeing to this, because I don't want it to blow up.
My friends, family, and coworkers have been great in showing me patience and leniency. It bothered me at first, because I thought they were giving me a license. I don't sit there, and say "Sorry, I was a jerk, but I'm dealing with my dad dying." No, I simply say, "I'm sorry I was a jerk." Period. Because in my mind anyone can be a saint when the times are good, but it only counts when you can be a saint during the bad times. I understand now that these people are giving me grace and mercy, and not an excuse.
I also appreciate it when my friends let me know that they are praying for me, or doing charms, or whatever my various friends do in their various religious practices. I also appreciate it when they respect me enough to not ask me how my dad is doing. While I appreciate all this support, I do have one thing to say: Don't forget about Carrie. She needs just as much, if not more of the same support as I get. She's walking through this too, and while she may not know what to say sometimes, or even identify with what's happening she feels it because I do. She even has to deal with her stubborn, prideful husband to be who thinks that he has to suck it up, move on, and cry later even though he would rather stop for five minutes. The constant packing winds everything tighter and tighter until a small and insignificant thing lands, and unleashes all the raging hell from within.
Carrie deals with a lot when it comes to this, because she is torn up like I am. So next time you see me, and she's with me: ask her how she's doing also. Let her know that you're praying for her, saying a charm for her, or even sending good wishes her way. She needs support and hugs too.
Don't forget about her.
My friends, family, and coworkers have been great in showing me patience and leniency. It bothered me at first, because I thought they were giving me a license. I don't sit there, and say "Sorry, I was a jerk, but I'm dealing with my dad dying." No, I simply say, "I'm sorry I was a jerk." Period. Because in my mind anyone can be a saint when the times are good, but it only counts when you can be a saint during the bad times. I understand now that these people are giving me grace and mercy, and not an excuse.
I also appreciate it when my friends let me know that they are praying for me, or doing charms, or whatever my various friends do in their various religious practices. I also appreciate it when they respect me enough to not ask me how my dad is doing. While I appreciate all this support, I do have one thing to say: Don't forget about Carrie. She needs just as much, if not more of the same support as I get. She's walking through this too, and while she may not know what to say sometimes, or even identify with what's happening she feels it because I do. She even has to deal with her stubborn, prideful husband to be who thinks that he has to suck it up, move on, and cry later even though he would rather stop for five minutes. The constant packing winds everything tighter and tighter until a small and insignificant thing lands, and unleashes all the raging hell from within.
Carrie deals with a lot when it comes to this, because she is torn up like I am. So next time you see me, and she's with me: ask her how she's doing also. Let her know that you're praying for her, saying a charm for her, or even sending good wishes her way. She needs support and hugs too.
Don't forget about her.