The College Board Monopoly
Hey, everyone!
I'm pretty hyper right now because I've just finished working on my latest English paper. The assignment was to write a speech in the style of John Edwards ("Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God") about something that you feel needs to change. Of course I had to write about the sadistic nature of College Board, and since I'm really proud of my paper I've decided to post it for you!
A few rules: since I wrote this paper for school, I'd appreciate it if you'd read for enjoyment. It's fine to take the idea of my paper and file it away for future reference for YOUR papers, but do not copy. Do not paraphrase, either! I'm giving you guys a lot of trust by posting my paper, so please don't blow it. It's actually quite remarkable that I feel like posting this paper.
Anyway, I hope I don't sound to evil-teacher-y. Have fun reading the paper, and let me know what you think!
The College Board Monopoly
As it happens, the process of getting into college has fallen into the sole hands of the omnipotent College Board. This sadistic company finds sport in creating countless tests that students must take to get into a “good” college. If you haven’t signed up for an AP class, you should start crying now because you won’t be getting into Harvard. If you haven’t taken the SAT test, you’re not going to be able to apply to any colleges and you should definitely start crying. College Board has successfully- although not decently- created a monopoly on pre-college assessments, and by doing so the company contrives to torture scholarly students.
Not only does College Board own the tests that students must take to get into college, but they own the study guides for the tests. And while the study guides are meant to appease nervous and stressed students, they actually create more stress. Suddenly there is an entire book that the student must learn and understand in order to achieve a high score on the test. And here, on pages x to x-hundred, are your practice exams! Make sure to take the test according to the College Board rules! Pace yourself so you don’t miss any information! However, don’t go too slow or you’ll run out of time! Leave questions that you don’t know the answer to blank! But don’t leave too many unanswered, or you’ll fail!
The study guides, while trying to calm students and give them confidence, only provoke them. Is this the goal of College Board? Is the company punishing students for trying to achieve academically? Evidence in the form of the AP exams suggests so.
AP exams are the highest form of College Board torture. The exam writers are sadists, coming up with the most difficult questions simply because they can. Students fall into the position of mice being stalked by a cat, a cat which comes up silently and often in a friendly manner. And then, just as the mouse thinks that it’s home free, the cat pounces. The constitution of AP students suffers most terribly from this form of torture.
The most abominable AP exam is U.S. History, as some abhorred staff member of College Board decided that the students should be tested on “everything”. How can it be possible that one person can know “everything” about a country’s history? Even if one studied for years, it would not be possible to learn “everything”. Yet the AP students are expected to learn “everything” in a single year, two if you happen to be lucky. To exact such cruel punishment on someone is inconceivable.
College Board is a carrion bird, a vulture with broken feathers but a sharp and powerful beak. And the students are poor animals, dying a slow and painful death. The carrion bird circles overhead slowly, wheeling in the sky and screeching. Perhaps it is telling the hurt animal to hurry up and die, for the bird is hungry. But the animal lumbers on, weak and without hope, but trying to survive nonetheless. The injuries sustained by the animal can only be ascribed to College Board tests. Perhaps one could escape the tests by taking a different kind, but this idea can only remain hypothetical. There is only one test in existence that lives outside of College Board’s dominion, and this is the ACT. However, it may very well be that this test is just as terrible as the others, capable of inducing hot tears of built-up stress.
It is a shame that such a monopoly on exams exists in this world. There is no escape; if one is to succeed, they are to suffer from College Board. In the process of applying to college, one is a fish out of water, a Canadian goose separated from its flock, a dust bunny in a vacuum. There is no hope of avoiding the dizzying world of College Board; year after year, there is at least one test that’s going to get you. If not in the fall, it will meet you in the spring. There is no escape. There is no helpful study guide. There is no way to get through a College Board test without suffering in some way. The assessments work just as they were designed- they force knowledge into you, out of you, around you, and wherever you turn there is a question waiting to be answered, an essay waiting to be written.
Why would a person allow themselves to create such an evil punishment for students who have done no wrong? For students are innocent; learning is not a crime. But College Board seems to ignore this, and they have exacted the perfect penalty for academic overachievers. To learn means to be tested and to be tested means to purchase an exam from College Board.
This horrid monopoly was born of sadists, and it will always be run by sadists. There is no hope for salvation for students. They will be punished by College Board for simply wanting to achieve some level of success in their life.