my heart could use some help
i dont know what's been going on with me these days. i feel like one of those people in those commercials for like zoloft or something. you know that one with the little blob dude that chases around ladybugs. i could go right down that check off list and be like "yup...ahuh...right...oh man thats me...correct" and so on and so forth. i stay up until like 2am and drink coffee like some freak and i've picked up the disgusting habit of smoking too. i dont know whats going on with me but it needs to stop. i never hang out with anyone anymore. here i am, at 10:46 on a friday night sitting online writing in my fucking online journal. im so fucking indecisive when it comes to what i want. i cant even keep up with my fucking self on who i like. fuck. i dont know what the hell is going on with me. i dont have a tux for prom yet. i dont even want to go to prom. im sick of high school. just thinking about how i probably wont see half of those people ever again in my life should be depressing enough, but whats more depressing is that i dont care. i couldnt care right now if i just moved up to vermot and lived in an abandoned cabin on a lake and didnt talk to anyone for a month. i swear im crazy sometimes. i sound like holden. that fucking sucks. holden caufield- the kid that hates everything about life. i never thought i would be -that- person. things will pick up. maybe? i dont know. tomorrow lynds and i are hanging- should be fun. then the emfav scav 2005 part dos a la noche should be sweet. i dont pray anymore. maybe thats it. maybe God has given up on me. tahts not possible i dont know why i would say that. God doesnt give up on people, people give up on God. i think if i played the cello that would probably help. the cello solves everything. its soothing. this entry has been all over the place. i feel like im one of the people that always has to have a girlfriend. (or a boyfriend in the case of one of those people being a girl) i feel depressed when i dont have a girl around. even if i dont like her. im disgusting. if you're a girl, and you're reading this- it'd be in your best interest to stay away from me. because i can see a slut-a-thon coming on. why do i do this to myself guys? eh? pff. bygones. i dont know, so why should you? Quote of the Week: "I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT! Why should you be any different?!?" name that quote guys. ok that made me smile a bit.annnnnnd gone. alright im out. this entry took an entire 6 minutes to write. i dont think i ever stopped typing. alright goodnight everyone, and have a pleasant tomorrow. later kids.