May 11, 2011 17:42
Are you alright?
I saw the entry, and I didn't know what to think.
You don't have to tell me what happened, but I wanted you to know if you ever need a place to stay, I recently got a house. It's Wes and I, David and Anne who're family. There's an extra room, and it's always open to you should you want it.
[Address inserted here.]
locked to lena,
entry
Leave a comment
"Why is it that you can't do that? Travel, I mean. It's not that-- I would obviously miss you if you left, but... I don't know. It might help to get some space from the city," she says quietly. Then again, she knows why she can't leave whenever she gets that wanderlust urge. Chicago is home. She has people here. She has responsibilities, but more than that, she has people here.
If something were to happen to them while she was traveling around the world, she doesn't know how she'd be able to handle that. "It's normal that they're sad. It's a part of life, yes. It's a part that... it makes the good worth more. If there was only good all the time, only happiness, it wouldn't be as wonderful as it is. I know that's not much of a comfort but... sadness is necessary as painful as it is to see those we love sad."
Martha understands hating it though. She hated how Wes would be sad, would feel like it was a failing on his part when she was broken. It's not the case at all.
There's an ache in her chest at the strained sound of Lena's voice, and she can sense how Lena isn't going to say anything else. Martha won't either. She'll nod because she's listened and she knows, but there's nothing either of them can do to change what's happened or to change the fact that she's a demon.
Martha nods, sliding over the bottle so Lena can pour it for herself. "You can have as much as you like," she says quietly with a small, warm smile. "Think you could clearly use it."
Reply
Things are different now.
Things are so different now, for her and for everyone that's a part of it, for even those that are not but are still close to them. It's so obvious there's been a shift and no one is the same.
She and Sonny are estranged, when once upon a time she thought nothing could ever make that possible. She has the complete inability to even be near the Crowbar, and he probably wouldn't stand the sight of her. Or maybe if just given time, things will fall into a different routine and it's like she was never there at all.
Either way, she could just up and leave.
"We talked about this just a month ago," Lena says in wonderment with the quiet shake of her head. "I was saying the exact same thing to you and I believed it with all my heart. I still do, but I hate that they have to go through anything, even if it means they're going through it with me. I see how worried and hurt they are. I see how they try. And it kills me."
She smiles in gratitude and places the cup back in front of her. "What about you?" she asks. She already asked in the journal entry without getting an answer, but maybe it's different when they're face to face. "Do you know what you need or have you reached at least... some resolution with it all?"
Reply
Not for very long.
The longest she's ever left Chicago since coming to it was maybe a week or a weekend at a time, and she can count on her hand how many times she's done that.
Both times, they were very necessary, very helpful to her to have that space from the city, to be out in the rest of the world though the entire universe is falling apart at the seams. There's something about Chicago. Brando told her it was the epicenter of it all. It was like the seems where the threads of this universe were starting to tear.
It's why it sees most of the damage, more wanderers than any other place in the world, and yet it's home.
It's home.
"Sometimes I feel like life has fantastic timing in some respects," Martha says with a small, sad smile, because they did just talk about it. "You were right, and I am right, but it's another thing trying to convince our hearts of that. We hate to see someone in pain, someone we love in pain especially if it's to do with us. But if positions were reversed, if it was Wes that was hurting, I'd be hurting too. It's... fact, and we can't change it, and we... by feeling badly about them feeling badly, they'll want to do the same for us to take away more pain from us, try as much as they can to hide how hurt or sad that they might be because they'll feel guilty that we feel guilty. It could honestly be an endless circle."
Martha takes a long drink from the cup in front of her, and she's thoughtful as she looks into the coffee.
"I'm... I'm not certain," she admits quietly, and she lets out a long breath. "I feel better with a house of my own separate from the Tower. I still don't quite feel like myself, and I still haven't actually cried about my best friend dying. I should, but I don't know. It's like living in some vacuum, but I'm getting... somewhere with time. Every day's a little easier than the last, some days are harder still. It's strange because a year ago when I lost... all those people, I was getting horrendously drunk nightly, having one night stands, filled with so much rage, and it's so... different this time. But I'm much better than I was. I'm feeling more so I think... I think I just need time and to keep myself open at least to family, friends."
Reply
As opposed to giving into that wanderlust, leaving everything here lying in pieces, and finding out something else has happened and she wasn't here for it. It's not all about her, and what she may want. Chicago's her home, much as she feels out of place within it at the moment. "Besides, the main reason I'd want to go is to not deal with my problems, and I can't do that. They're not going to fix themselves if I run away, and they'll just follow me where I go."
It's not as if she's unfamiliar with the listless, aimless feeling. Wandering around without a compass. And she did get the space she needed. She didn't immediately return to Chicago. She took a whole week for herself and it helped more than if she'd just come straight back into the grind of things. If she feels that suffocation again, she'll go back to the cabin.
But this is home, for better or worse.
"Yeah, that's it," she says softly, her nails scraping against her arm as she scratches at it lightly. She drops her hand back to her side, drumming her fingers against the cool counter thoughtfully. "I don't want us all to be stuck in that endless cycle. It's not good for anybody. I just hate knowing how much everyone has to change their lives to fit this... new development when they'd rather it all be like it was. And it can't be for me."
She's the weak link in this whole thing, and sometimes, just sometimes, she wonders if it's not just best that she up and disappear. They might look for her, but sooner or later they'd start to resent and hate her for it, and they'd stop. Logically, she knows better, but when she's swarmed by the overwhelmingness of it all, it seems like a better option that dragging everyone into the whirlpool of her mistakes and her decisions.
The whirlpool of her life, really.
Lena props her chin on her hand and listens to her. "Time's good to give to yourself," she says, tilting her head and smiling a worn smile at her. "There'll be good days and bad days, and after the bad days outweigh the good ones. It might seem strange to you, but it feels like growth to me. We cope with things in a different way than everyone else, and sometimes we'll cope with things differently than we ourselves have in the past. I'm glad your better. You sound better. Look better."
Reply
And sometimes they makes choices they feel they can't live with. Martha has made those too. Somehow she kept living even with those choices resting on her shoulders, and she doesn't know how people do it but they do. Somehow people do and others don't. They just keep going passed all odds. "They'll follow you and grow," she says with a small smile. "Can't run from your problems though there are plenty who will try."
It's good that she spent that week at the cabin, that space. It's so necessary.
"Have you talked to them about that? Maybe they know it can't go back to the way it was. It can't if it can't for you, how can it for them? And that's... it's not okay but it doesn't rest on your shoulders either," Martha says, and she's certain about it. "It doesn't. This isn't going to be easy. It's going to take time to adjust, but if you start shouldering the blame, it's going to make that more difficult for you, for everyone."
Blame and guilt don't help especially when she firmly believes this wasn't Lena's fault at all. It was a part of her that she was forced to use but it's not all of her. They have no choice at that point.
"That's a nice way of putting it. Growth," Martha says with a small smile. "I'd like to think I've grown or perhaps I'm finally getting old and so that teenage, impulsive, self destructive part of me has been tired out completely." There's a bit of a teasing to her smile. She's obviously not actually very old at all though she's older than Lena. God, but she feels old sometimes. She really does.
The smile widens slightly, becomes warmer and she takes a long drink from the mug in her hand. "Thank you. I feel better. I feel. It's an improvement."
Reply
As long as she doesn't think about it.
"Yeah, I used to be one of the ones who tried," she says with a small, humorless laugh. "It never worked, and soon enough I learned that. I'd like to think I've grown myself."
She definitely doesn't have the coping mechanisms she used to, or she'd have ended up right back in Rick's lap and finding all sorts of ways to self-destruct. There's the tiniest part of her, buried very deep down, that yearns for that kind of destruction, but she doesn't listen to it. Much.
"Baby steps," Lena agrees with a smile, and she takes a long drink from her mug. Once she's done with it, she walks over to the sink to wash the cup, turning back to Martha. "I meant what I said. Thank you, for letting me stay here for a couple of days while I figure it all out."
Martha stayed at the Crowbar, and Lena wanted her there for as long as she needed it, so she knows why she's doing it, but she's still grateful regardless.
She's grateful that no matter how bad it gets, she has somewhere to go.
Reply
It won't be easy. There's still a long way to go.
"I don't think there's anything wrong with trying at first. I knew someone who was... hundreds of years old, and he'd still be running from his problems. He'd swoop in, fix things, and then leave people to handle what remained. Never stuck around for the aftermath," Martha says, shaking her head with the smallest of smiles as she thinks about the Doctor. It's always with mixed emotions that she thinks about him again. "Just kept... running to the next adventure on some distant planet where no one knew him. It sounds to me like you have grown. We do it quite a bit in a short period sometimes, other times it'll be bloody years and we'll still be the same."
It's strange how life works in that sense.
Martha's given up trying to understand it anymore. It's not meant to be understood. You live as best as you can live and you try to do your best, try to do good, try to love even when it hurts to love.
"As long as you're stepping in a direction whether those steps are tiny or not, that's really something," Martha says, and she means that too, taking a sip from her own mug which is nearly gone.
She looks over at her when Lena walks to the sink and turns around to speak. Martha smiles warmly at her. "You're welcome. I meant what I said too. You're more than welcome here for as long as you need and any time you'd like to visit, the door's always open for you."
It hardly seems like much at all in the grand scheme of things, but what little she can offer, she will.
Reply
Leave a comment